


Human Condition

by fencingfox



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Aliens Made Them Do It, Episode: s03e14 Alter Ego, Episode: s03e16 Blood Fever, Eventual Smut, F/M, Loneliness, Multi, NaNoWriMo, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Slow Burn, what happened between the luau and BF, when/how did Vorik get so attached to B'Elanna
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:08:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 63,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22253176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fencingfox/pseuds/fencingfox
Summary: Begin Chief Engineer's personal log.Poor Harry. Not everyday your holographic crush gets swiped from under your nose by the strictest Vulcan on board....I wonder if Tom thought something similar when Vorik offered me that table. *sigh* He was staring at me the whole night! Tom, not Vorik. Vorik did his best to entertain me but I didn't pay attention. I couldn't focus. I told him I had to check on Harry and left. Then, I couldn't even check on Harry because he was with Tom already!Ugh. This is a terrible log. The luau isn't worth mentioning because I don't even care! Right.Computer. Delete log.
Relationships: Chakotay & B'Elanna Torres, Kathryn Janeway & B'Elanna Torres, Tom Paris/B'Elanna Torres
Comments: 46
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I don't own Paramount, related characters, or Klingons. This is all for fun.
> 
> “The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and to a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence.”  
> — Tom Wolfe, 1930-2018

"Come in." I looked up. The door revealed Ensign Jor. She waved a PADD in the air with an easy smile. The sounds of Engineering filtered through the door into my office and dulled once the door closed behind her.

"I brought you the report on Communications."

I smiled back graciously at Ensign Jor like I should. My hand stretched across my desk to let her place the PADD in it with what I recognized as my own impatience. I wanted to get back to the warp modifications.

"I was wondering when I'd see these." I hadn't, but I felt the need to keep her on her toes. Sometimes Jor submitted reports late and I didn't get this job by being lenient. In fact, I actually punched Carey for the job. Jor made herself a little smaller. Wow. How many of my engineers still worry I might punch them? It wasn’t like I made a habit of it; just the one time! I hadn’t even punched Carey that hard. I stilled the thoughts to listen to Jor.

"I wanted to make sure the report was up to standards. I know how much you care for them." Despite her professional posture, there was a challenging glimmer in her eyes. I quirked my eyebrow at her in a motion I was sure she’ll think was familiar. Jor laughed as she continued, "Nah, I just had a late night with someone tall and handsome." I stiffened for a moment before glancing down at the PADD in my hand. Distantly, I heard Jor leave. The tall and handsome person that came to my mind without my permission flashed his blue eyes at me and smiled. I closed my eyes and shook my head of the image. An exasperated sigh was the loudest sound in my office. If only I could go for a few more minutes without interruption, I'll finish synthesizing the necessary equations for my modifications.

Jor's interruption was more unsettling than usual, but I _really_ didn’t want to think about why. The door slid open before I could even read the first paragraph on my PADD. With a sigh, I looked up reluctantly. My automatic smile, the one that conveys, "I'm a senior officer and should be pleased to see my staff reporting to me even if I can't get a damn thing done," fell when one "tall and handsome" Tom Paris sauntered in. The thought of Jor spending time with Tom outside of work bothered me.

Jealous. Great. Just like when Seska started dating Chakotay. I did _not_ need this. He’s my friend and he gets himself in so much trouble most of the time I hardly understood why the Captain still kept him around. He cleared a space on the corner of my desk and I was reminded by seeing his long fingers: he’s a good pilot if Voyager has anything to say about it. I’ve been watching his hands for too long. Work, I was at work. Focus on work.

"Submitting your conn report on time for once?"

"Nope." He looked up with the kind of grin he gets when he has a bad idea and wants someone to share it with. Any other time I’d want to know, maybe, but not now. I knew somehow that he was back for round two. We flirted at the luau—the voice that reminded me of my mother disapproved the way my hands suddenly felt like they needed to be busy—it wasn’t a good idea. Good thing Vorik came by. He’s harmless.

"Why are you here?" Was he sauntering due to his latest conquest or for wanting to seduce me now after missing his chance at the luau yesterday?

"I have a question." As he spoke, Tom sat on the edge of my table, the one he cleared near the stack of PADDS and opposite my thermos.

"You couldn't have commed it?" I asked. He frowned and then tapped his badge.

"Paris to Torres." When my badge chirped, I held it a moment to refuse the call. "See?"

I pointed out, "I didn't answer because you're right here." He shrugged.

"Same difference."

"Get to the point, Paris," I warned, forcing an anger I didn’t feel at the moment but knew I will if he decided to press it any further. How can I trust a guy with his reputation? I won't be another "Paris Conquest." Ack.

He asked his question, "Dinner?" I didn’t believe him. Well, that wasn’t true. I did believe him. Maybe that was the problem. My head pushed forward as if I hadn't heard anyway. No doubt that my eyebrows knitted together as they rose with the gesture.

"What?" I'd expected another request to "unwind," or "let it all out," or simply a straight to the point "let's have sex tonight twenty hundred hours"! Of course, he'd never actually said anything along those lines. These were just the subtexts I picked up from his staring on the holodeck at the luau yesterday. That all he was asking for was dinner seemed decidedly out of character and it made me instantly suspicious given that one, he didn't just comm me, and two, he's Tom. One doesn't have Tom without a generous helping of suspicion.

"Dinner." Tom pulled off innocent a little too well. "You, me, mess hall." The mess hall wasn’t a date. We’ve done that before. Except, he tilted his head, regaining the bad-idea grin, adding a challenging eyebrow to the whole expression. "Or, if you'd rather, we can eat in my quarters." An involuntary rush of air eked past my teeth sharply. A non-date wasn’t what he was suggesting. He wanted a real date. In private. With me.

"No." I shook my head incredulously. "No," I repeated. "Isn't being friends enough, Tom?" When I stopped shaking my head, Tom opened his mouth to speak. I didn’t want to know what argument he’d drummed up for this. Thankfully, before he could say anything, my badge chirped again.

" _Chakotay to Torres._ " He paused to allow for the link to be made and for that fact to be relayed back to him. " _Why aren't you in Transporter Room One?_ "

"Why Transporter Room One?"

" _Your away mission?_ " He sounded surprised. " _It's Stardate 50461.77 today._ " I looked at the time on the PADD in my hand. I forgot I was supposed to report ten minutes ago.

"Sorry Chakotay, I got caught up in modifications and forgot. I'll be there in a moment."

" _Bring your away team when you do. Remember, the Ehlu asked for representatives from differing species._ " It was the strangest request. They additionally didn't want anyone ranked above Lieutenant Junior Grade. With the excitement of yesterday, I never did decide on my away team. I was too busy helping Harry out after I insisted to Vorik that Harry needed a friend. Surprisingly, it seemed like Vorik understood. Did Vulcans have friends? " _Chakotay out._ " The line went silent. I stood quickly to organize my desk before leaving. When Tom didn’t budge, I paused to look at him. I didn't realize how close we were until my chin became parallel with my desk. There was probably only fifteen centimeters between us. I straightened to give us space before he could see how warm my face was.

"Why are you still here? I already said no and I have to leave," I explained in case he hadn't understood the conversation. I wouldn't put it past him. He might have zoned out the whole time like I see him do at morning briefings sometimes. It was hard not to notice when he made it a point to zone out while looking in my direction and wearing a small smile that never matched the serious conversation occuring. It was like he had a secret—or knew one. Impossible. There was no way he knew anything.

"Who are you picking for your team?" He countered. I frowned and crossed my arms.

I snorted, "Not you." Tom smiled anyway as he stood from my desk.

"Alright, but you know where to find me anytime you want me." He gestured dramatically to his combadge to remind me that I could call him. I didn’t budge. Once he left, I released the breath I'd been holding and dropped my arms. I really hate that man. Tom, the man who's my friend, was fine. I had no issue with _him_. But Tom, the man who's _actually_ a pig, was horrible.

I sighed as I stepped out onto the catwalk and looked around for Vorik. I spotted him within hearing range, not that anywhere in Engineering wasn’t in hearing range of those astute Vulcan ears. Tabor and I used to mess with Tuvok on the _Val Jean_ , calling for his help all over the ship to see if he'd respond.

"Ensign," half of my staff looked up and I had to stifle a laugh at the sight; that sight never would have happened on the _Val Jean_ , "Vorik." His eyes remained on mine while all others turned away. I gestured for him to come to the upper level. I turned my back to the railing as Vorik approached me. He stood at attention, a gleam I recognized as tempered Vulcan curiosity played in his eyes. I leaned on the railing.

"Yes, Sir?"

"Grab a kit, you're coming with me down to the surface. I need to round up two more people and then we can leave."

"Should I report to the transporters?"

"Yes," I nodded. "Go to Transporter Room One. Inform the Commander that the rest of us will be there shortly."

"Is the Commander beaming to the surface as well?" he asked. I shook my head. This was to be my mission. It only made sense with the requests the Ehlu had and the supplies we needed. 

"No." Vorik didn’t need to know that we were ten minutes behind schedule. The punctual Vulcan might just faint. I smirked softly at the thought. If he noticed the change, he didn’t show it. "That's all," I nodded as I dismissed him before turning away to check duty rosters in the terminal against the wall near my office.

I took a look at the science officers on duty. Samantha was fun to be around. I felt a little bad about tearing her away from Naomi. She's a Starfleet native. The promise of first contact probably still excited her. I didn’t need to worry.

I looked for a familiar name on the security rotation and was happy to see Ayala, but I needed to have a diverse group and I already decided on Samantha. Did I want a different science officer or a different security officer? No one else in science stood out to me. There wasn’t anyone in security that I got along with and wasn’t human or Vulcan. What should I do now? I ran through operations personnel next. Maybe it was because I never finished at the Academy but I really didn’t see the difference between operations and security. Seemed like people picked one or the other on a coin flip half the time.

Tabor came to mind. He’s good at avoiding trouble; perfect for a necessary and strange away mission. With him on board that made two former Maquis and two Starfleet. Diverse in more than one way. Everyone will be happy. I was doing a great job. Anyone with another opinion can shove it. I tapped my combadge.

"Torres to Wildman." I waited for her to acknowledge the call. "Would you like to come with me to meet the Ehlu?"

" _An away mission? When?_ " She sounded excited I thought.

"Now actually."

" _Oh._ "

"If you don't want to come that's fine. I would like a science officer to monitor our environment."

" _I'll go. I just wasn't expecting. I'll need to tell Neelix._ " I smiled. Scrounging up an away team at the last minute wasn’t so bad. It reminded me of my Maquis days when we’d get a call for a mission less than twenty-four hours in advance.

"Good. Meet in Transporter Room One when you're ready. Torres out." I tapped my combadge again.

"Torres to Tabor." He acknowledged me quickly. "Want to come on an away mission with me?"

" _Sounds fun. When do we leave?_ "

"Now."

" _Did you get caught up in something interesting?_ " There was a tease to his question. I shook my head, amused.

"Just engine modifications."

He laughed into the link. " _And I was hoping for the juicy details._ "

"Sorry," I laughed. I'd never share even if I had anything to share. Tabor knew that, but he still liked to tease. He’s untouchable physically and I’m untouchable romantically. That was the joke. Maybe it was a little sad, but it still beat getting involved with Tom. I made myself serious again. "Meet in Transporter Room One as soon as possible. Vorik and Chakotay should be there now. Wildman and I will be along soon. Chakotay's not coming." Huh. Why had Vorik asked about Chakotay? I smirked. What devious thing did Chakotay do to spook the Vulcan? I'll have to remember to ask him for the next time Vorik hovered too much. "Torres out."

I glanced around Engineering to confirm that Vorik had left already. Then I went into my office to find my engineering kit. I couldn’t remember where I put it. While looking around my desk, I placed a hand on the edge of the table. It was still warm from Tom. I drew back my hand sharply. That must've been his intention all along because my kit rested just under my desk against that side. How did he know it was there? Did Jor—? In here? Ugh. Gross!

I needed to leave.

When I entered Transporter Room One, Tabor, Vorik, Samantha, and Chakotay were all in attendance. Chakotay and Tabor chatted amicably across the transporter console when I walked in. Samantha smiled at a PADD in her hand. Vorik observed Chakotay and Tabor. They all turned to me when I walked in.

"Finally decided to show up?" Chakotay teased.

"You know me, I like to make an entrance." I commented quickly. It made me pause. It kind of sounded like something Tom would say. Did I like to make an entrance? I wouldn’t describe myself that way. I should ask Harry. _Tom would do the same thing._ ghay’cha’, I needed my own friends. That didn’t work out so well the last time....

"Like the time you made the engines explode?" Tabor jived, drawing my attention. What were we talking about?

I stepped onto the closest transporter pad to buy time, "That'd been an escape. Remember, Tabor?" Samantha looked up at me curiously. Vorik observed all of us silently.

"Well excuse me," Tabor teased with a smile. Him and Chakotay exchanged an amused look.

"What happened?" Samantha asked. I looked over at her. What had she been smiling at on her PADD? Naomi related? It was refreshing seeing someone happy to be a mother. At least, I imagined that’s what one looks like. I gave her a quiet smile. She didn’t notice.

"I _had_ ordered it," Chakotay emphasized, drawing me out of my assessment of Wildman.

"Some Cardi vessel was tailing us," I started, turning to Tabor to continue in the way that we did for an audience.

"We had no weapons to speak of," Tabor said with suspense. "Their last fight drained us." Tabor stepped up to the transporter pad on my right. Samantha and Vorik joined as well. I smiled fondly at the memory. We had good times. We had tough ones too, like the time we lost two engineers in a plasma fire. Joti Blaye, a young Bajoran who lost her two brothers to Cardassians already. Akahl Krax, an older Klingon than myself that I—no surprise there—didn't get along with. I shook off the memories of their faces. I couldn’t help but think that if we'd had the Doctor then, they'd still be around.

"Chakotay deadpanned something like 'we'll have to let them shoot us out of the sky.'" I paused to force a laugh as the faces faded. "He looked so _serious_." Chakotay grinned at me. It lifted my spirits some. The plasma fire happened in the fight that had drained us. He was beat up about their deaths as much as I had been.

"Well, I was serious!" Samantha looked surprised.

"He then ordered me to make the engines look like they'd fallen apart the next time we got hit," I continued, carefully guarding against the memory of stepping over Akahl's body. "If we were lucky, the sight would prevail over their sensor readings."

"We had some mines that we'd traded for, but hadn't figured out how to deploy them normally." Tabor looked proud. I was glad. He and Joti had a thing, at least when Joti wasn’t hellbent on making some Cardassian pay. I directed a grin his way to share his pride. "I got to be the one to set them out when B'Elanna and Mike surprised those lowlifes by kicking us into near warp."

"That was a good getaway," Chakotay nodded appreciatively. He looked down at the transporter controls. "Ready?"

"Ready," I confirmed. Talking about past heroics had me excited to go be a hero again. _Voyager_ needed the triadium badly. It’s what allowed the neuro gelpaks to communicate. Without them, we’ll lose most systems. Only a few have backups that didn’t use the gelpaks at all.

I felt the familiar tingle of the transporter beam wrap around me. When my molecules coalesced again, I was on another transporter pad. It was brightly lit like the one on _Voyager_. The colors were different: muted browns and greens. I assumed that was to align with the lush greenery outside the window which spanned the full wall to my right. As the leader of this away mission, I stepped off the pad first.

The Ehlu looked similar enough to humans to be mistaken if the lights were dimmed. The most notable differences were their horns. There were a variety of sizes ranging between three and five centimeters. Their noses were all upturned with a longer horn on the end. Their horns were lighter than their skin but from those, I guessed that their skin, horns, and hair came in the same pigments that human skin, nails, and hair do. The male Ehlu who approached me additionally had two sharp points peaking above his fair hair. We shook hands. Was this custom native to them or particular to our visit? Knowing someone like Chakotay tended to generate these kinds of thoughts. I ignored myself to focus on the Ehlu who approached.

The male Ehlu, at least, have an additional large, curved horn at their elbows and a smaller one at the last of their thumb joints. The elbow horn was at least twenty centimeters. It could be a weapon. The thumb horn was only about two and didn’t get in the way of the handshake. What did Samantha think of all those horns? Maybe she was glad Naomi didn’t have as many.

I didn’t glance back at Samantha since I was playing the role of grateful visitor. I bobbed my head slightly at the Ehlu. To me, it was an involuntary and nearly universal signal of appreciation and acceptance. As I processed the placement of the nose horn, however, I hoped the gesture wasn’t hostile after the fact.

"Thank you for having us with you." I was glad to see that he didn’t seem put off by my head bob. Maybe without horns myself—though my ridges could almost pass as some in low light hah!—I wasn’t threatening. I _should_ be threatening. I knew it as much as I knew I should breathe.

"Thank you for coming yourself, Chief Engineer..."

"B'Elanna," I provided. The Ehlu bobbed his head to me in gratitude. Seemed head bobs were safe. I smiled, purposely showing my teeth, because some species found that aggressive and I knew from experience that if I could give a semblance of threat, I’ll feel more comfortable. The Ehlu responded with a toothy grin that showed off the sharp edges of his pointed teeth. We’re on the same page then. "They call me Tatan. I will serve as your host for the evening."

"Thank you, Tatan," I responded. He gestured to those behind him as he named them.

He pointed to a coffee-brown Ehlu with chocolate colored horns and bright eyes first. "She is Milna, my wife and incidentally, your merchant."

Milna smiled a toothy grin as she bowed lightly. "I look forward to our negotiations."

Tatan gestured to the second individual. He was taller than Tatan and of a different species: one with thick, tanned skin and large eyes. I got the feeling he wasn’t someone to mess with. "That is Nuran. Our guard." Nuran didn’t smile. He grunted instead, flicking his eyes up to assess our level of threat. I stood straighter as I heard the rest of my away party step down from the transporter pad. Nuran’s eyes lingered on mine last. Once he straightened—postured really—I gestured to my away team one at a time.

"Ensign Vorik, engineering." He bobbed his head like everyone but Nuran had so far. "Ensign Wildman, xenobiology." Samantha smiled and bobbed her head with natural grace. I didn’t know Ktarean culture norms. Was there any similarity between them and the Ehlu's? The only thing spurring that thought were little Naomi's horns. Finally, I gestured to Tabor. "Ensign Tabor," I hesitated. Technically, he's operations, but Nuran’s posturing made me wish I could have brought Ayala instead. Since I already have Samantha—human—it wouldn't have worked to pick him. "Security," I finished. Tabor didn’t make any overt threat, nor did he seem surprised. He didn’t smile as broadly as the others nor did he bob his head. For all his joking and bravado earlier, his expression was schooled, stern, and perfectly cold. I turned back to study the face of Tatan. So far, no one seemed to have upset him or his party. Nuran actually looked amused now that I’d marked Tabor as my security.

"It is our custom to offer food and drink during negotiations. Do you have any objections?" Tatan asked. I shook my head. One of the best perks of a trade-oriented away mission was the food and drink.

"No. Food and drink are fine. Would you mind if I had Ensign Wildman scan the offerings to ensure they're safe for us?

"Please do. We wouldn't want to harm you." Tatan smiled a toothy grin that made me briefly question his statement. Exactly _why_ did he request no one above Lieutenant Junior Grade? Tatan led the way beside me. Milna fell in step with Samantha. Vorik walked behind them alone. Tabor and Nuran took up the rear. I was pleased with the peace so far. I could hear Samantha and Milna chatting right behind me. Tabor and Nuran were also speaking together. I heard a few terms I didn’t recognize. They sounded medical or scientific in nature. Curious, I listened in enough to hear that Nuran was explaining the planet's fascinating life cycle to Tabor. Ha! Tabor was anything but a science officer. What prompted that explanation?

"Tell me about your planet," I requested.

"It is one of several in this system. Though it is the only one capable of supporting our civilization." I recalled from the briefing before the luau that the other planets in this system were gas giants or small rocky dwarfs outside the habitable zone. I nodded politely at the knowledge I already knew. "What species are you? You look similar to Ensign Wildman but not entirely." His tone sounds accusatory, like he thought we didn’t obey the request for diversity. He should have been able to see the transporter data on our genetic make-ups. I swallowed my annoyance.

"I'm half-Klingon and half-human. Ensign Wildman is human. Ensign Vorik is Vulcan. Ensign Tabor is Bajoran. We have Human, Bajoran, Vulcan, Bolian, an Ocampan, and a Talaxian on board." I forgot one. "Oh, and Ensign Wildman is the new mother of a half-Ktarean." He paused and gained a look like he was listening to someone speak. I didn’t hear any communication notification but I also didn’t know the Ehlu. Maybe they had better hearing than I did. He didn’t seem to like what he heard, but he continued our conversation regardless.

"So many species," he remarked. "Is this usual to be traveling in mixed groups like you are on _Voyager_?" I nodded, curious about his interest, the odd request they made about the make-up of our away team, and now what he heard that he didn’t like. The sounds of easy conversation haven’t changed behind me. That was good.

"Yes. Do you have many neighbors?" I knew the answer already from the briefing, but I was curious about Nuran. He definitely wasn’t Ehlu. I glanced back at him. He wouldn’t look human even in dim light. His face had the wrong angles: like Neelix, but much sharper. The short but pronounced bone protrusions at his temple and jaw were almost tusk-like. He stopped talking to glare. I turned forward.

"We did a long time ago. Before even we found the usefulness of fire. It's theorized that we either killed them all or mated them into our genetic pool." Tatan shrugged. That didn’t make sense considering Nuran.

"What about your guard?"

"Indentured servant of a primitive species. Don't remind him and he won't dissect you." That's all he said on the matter before stopping outside a door. How could he trust Nuran as their bodyguard if he had such a low opinion of his species? A glimpse of an insufferable human boy from grammar school flashed across my mind. He insisted I was some primitive myself before I got fed up and punched him. He left me alone after that. Hmm. That worked for me a lot. Maybe it was time to give punching another chance. I could already hear the Captain’s reprimand. I’ll just have to save it for the holodeck then.

Tatan pressed his thumb beside the door. The wall switch depressed under his hand and the door opened to reveal a large room with a circular table in the center. The table was a beautiful, rosy wood. Chakotay would love it. How did they still have so many trees and greenery with artwork like this?

I waited for Tatan to direct the seating. He took a seat at the closest chair. I noted that Milna also has elbow horns as she stepped past me. They were a bit smaller than Tatan's. Whether that was from her being shorter or being female, I couldn’t tell. Milna swiped her hand across Tatan's head around his horns in what must be an intimate gesture as she took her seat next to him. Tatan hummed when her fingers swept through his hair. Nuran sat lithely on Tatan's other side, watching the pair with what I could only judge as longing. That explained a few things about the trust Tatan placed on him. Clearly Nuran wouldn’t hurt either of them if it meant hurting Milna...or Tatan? Honestly, I didn’t know who he favored.

I walked around the table to sit across from Milna. The others filed in around me. Samantha to my right. Vorik to my left. Tabor on Samantha's right. Samantha diligently drew out a tricorder to scan the drink in front of her and the communal food in the center of the table. I hoped the food was edible at least. It looked tasty. The main dish looked like cass-air-role? Cass-air-oil? That couldn’t be it. What had Tom called it? Cass-something. It looked warm and cheesy. That will be the first thing I sampled. Another bowl had what resembled ripe plums but as large as a big apple. There was a third oversized tray of what looked like a desert: either pudding or ice cream. It was brown and I hoped it was chocolate flavored.

"The food is fine, but I'm worried about the drinks. They have too many unknown ingredients for me to be sure of its safety," Samantha concluded. She shook her tricorder to try to get a better reading. From her silence, I guessed that the attempt wasn’t successful.

"Would you mind terribly if we don't drink?" I asked. It seemed silly, but the Ehlu could be particular. Tatan and Milna both looked wary. Nuran looked indifferent but I could tell he only wanted to appear that way. He had an eye on my team discreetly. I sat a little higher in my seat. Under the table, my fingers curled around the handle of my phaser.

"The drinks are the most important part. Our tradition to offer them to guests has begun negotiations for eons," Milna stated firmly. She made it clear that there was no getting around it. "We cannot continue if you don't drink." It occured to me how difficult early explorers had it when encountering new customs. I released my phaser. Tatan crossed his arms. My stomach twisted. We needed that triadium.

"Drink," Tatan jovially said, nodding his head toward the goblets. "Live, love, die as one," Tatan stated like the non-toast wasn’t disturbingly melodramatic. I didn’t see any cups in front of our _gracious_ hosts.

Tabor asked what I was thinking, "What kind of toast is that?"

Tatan spread his arms out in front of him invitingly. "Our ritual demands it. We offer the drink to you in good faith. You decide whether you live and love or die."

"What happened to not wanting to harm us?" Tabor asked.

"You determine if you are harmed," Tatan held up a hand then. "Please, I have answered all the questions I can. Drink." What to do? They didn’t seem willing to trade the triadium _Voyager_ needed without completing their ritual. What a headache! I wished I hadn't volunteered for this away mission.

I asked, "Would you trade if only one of us drink?" Tatan and Milna turned to each other in silent conference. Huh, maybe it was Milna who Tatan heard before. Milna turned to me after a moment.

"This is acceptable. Who is willing to barter their lives for love?" Milna said as she turned to Tatan and placed a hand on his hand.

“What?” I asked. Did I hear that right?

“Who is willing to drink?” Milna rephrased, looking at me.

“So you’re saying this thing will kill us if we don’t love someone?” Tabor asked.

“No,” Tatan squeezed Milna’s hand in what I imagined was a warning. She looked over to him and smiled. “It’s alright. They should know enough to make a fair decision.” Then she turned back to me. “It will kill you if you do not fall in love.” She wore a smile. A smile! We should leave, but damn, we needed the triadium. There wasn’t another planet we could get it from in this whole sector. Milna prompted, “Who will drink?” I had no idea though I wasn’t about to admit that. Who could I condemn to death? There was no way anyone could fall in love from a drink. Love potions didn’t exist outside of fairy tales.

"I could drink it, B'Elanna." Tabor grinned as he leaned closer to the table to peer around Samantha at me. "I'm quite popular on _Voyager_."

"I've been pretty surprised by everyone being so supportive of me and Naomi. I think I could drink it too," Samantha said.

I asked as a joke as I turned to look at Vorik, "Are you lining up?" I really can't picture Vorik romancing anyone ever.

"I do, indeed, offer to be the drinker. Perhaps my Vulcan physiology will provide me with an advantage as this would be most unusual for a Vulcan." He turned away. Embarrassed? When did Vulcans start letting themselves get embarrassed? The set of choices I had pushed out the rest of my musing on Vulcans.

I could plainly refuse, return to _Voyager_ empty-handed, and explain to the Captain why we'll be crash landing on the nearest rock in a few weeks time. That will go over well. So well in fact, I could probably exclude my oxygen usage when I calculated how much air we’ll have.

I could force one of my party members to risk their lives. I didn’t think the Captain would be pleased with that choice either. She's protective of her crew, even her Maquis crewmates. I went over my options for drinker again: myself, my friend, a new mother, and a Vulcan. It was laughable.

"I'll drink it." Before anyone could protest, I picked up my goblet and downed the liquid quickly. It tasted like something I had as a kid once. I recognized it as pomegranate: sweet and fruity. It wasn’t as thick as the _granizados_ my father made me as a kid, but the flavor was undeniably pomegranate. I set the glass down shakily and took a moment to steady myself before I resolutely placed my eyes on Milna's. "Let's begin." I didn’t want to give my away team time to protest or delay our negotiations. I was glad they followed my lead.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ghay’cha’ - damn  
> lugh’a’bogh quvvetlh - (sarcastically) that righteous fool  
> QI'yaH - terrible terrible swear  
> Hu'tegh - stronger then ghay’cha’, closer to "fuck"  
> petaQvetlh - what you expect but with a "that" tacked onto it  
> nuch - coward  
> ’IwmeQghach - blood fever, we remember that (I've just been spelling it wrong who knew capitalization was important, now you do too)
> 
> Thank you tortitudette for the language help and the beta! You're so wonderful. <3

It wasn’t until I was standing on the transporter pad to go back did I start thinking about my rash decision and its consequences. Before Nuran could transport us, I turned to my companions.

"Don't tell anyone about the drink. I'll inform the Doctor myself." Tabor and Vorik nodded once, though Tabor looked a little worried. Samantha nodded when I looked at her. She seemed more worried than Tabor. I turned back to face forward and waited for the familiar tingle to deposit me in _Voyager_ 's transporter room.

Chakotay wasn’t at the console like before. I was glad because he'd be able to spot my unease. I shook my shoulders and left, trusting the others to know I was done with them. Sickbay was my next stop. But I stopped and turned around after a few paces. Should tell the Captain about the arrangement since she hadn't been permitted to beam to the surface? Why hadn’t she? It was another unanswered mystery about the Ehlu. I huffed. I couldn’t have actually drank a love potion? Poison? Could I?

"Torres to Captain Janeway," I paused to wait for the acknowledging click. "The Ehlu have agreed to trade with us for tier one and tier two items. Would you like to discuss them?"

" _In a moment, Lieutenant. I have other matters to attend to right now._ " I nodded to no one in particular.

"Let me know when you're ready for me. I'll be in Engineering." The response came automatically, but I was glad telling her I'll be in Engineering means I have an excuse not to face the Doctor just yet. I glided to Engineering: down one corridor, onto a turbolift, down one more corridor. I placed my kit back under my desk and slid into my chair. Looking down at my palms, I didn’t think they looked different. I rested them on my cheeks. I didn’t feel different. I slid my hands together to cover the left and right halves of my mouth. It was probably a joke. It had to be.

My door slid open. I dropped my hands quickly.

"B'Elanna," Vorik started. I felt myself grow annoyed. I didn’t want to see anyone now. I also never gave him permission to ignore protocol and call me by my first name. "I am willing to help you." That was all he said. _What?_ My face definitely covered a wide range of emotions: confusion, shock, more annoyance. I settled on anger.

"Get out," I growled. Vorik stepped out at a leisurely pace. I found myself glad that he wasn’t persistent like Tom. The name drew me to look at the corner of my desk where he'd sat earlier. He was obviously interested. I shook my head at the thought to ask him to dinner. I'd have to explain the situation! He'd never let me live it down. Even if he (and Vorik— _ghay’cha’_ —and Bristow) seemed to be the only options available, I didn’t want to embarrass myself by pursuing any of them. I wondered if Chakotay would be an option. I dismissed it with a shake of my head. My crush on him had finally settled into an easy friendship after I'd taken over as chief engineer here. Maybe all I needed was more to occupy myself. My badge chirped. I tapped it, expecting the Captain's request to meet in her Ready Room.

" _Captain to Torres. Sickbay. Now._ " Ouch. I felt smaller under the Captain's command voice. I didn’t hear it often for being in Engineering and a responsible officer most days, but Harry claimed the tone could stop a warhead in its tracks. I didn’t have any opposition to the claim.

"Aye, Captain."

" _Captain out._ " Even her sign off was stern. I stood from my desk and wondered what the issue was. A sinking feeling that someone told the Captain precisely what I asked everyone not to say invaded my awareness. Tabor and Samantha looked concerned. Vorik might have gotten concerned after I dismissed him. Or vengeful; he's young enough that sometimes his control slipped. It could be any of them.

Maybe even the Ehlu contacted _Voyager_ to tell them to expect their chief engineer to drop dead soon! I laughed at the absurdity in the empty room. I never asked how long I had. I was not frightened; Klingons embraced death. I will too. _Even if it kills me_. I laughed again at the Tom-esque thought. At least he was good for lightening the mood.

And really? Die over this? There was no way that was real. The translator must have been acting up. We haven't had a shipwide checkup for them in a while. In fact, a trip to the Doctor would be a good idea. He was bound to have a non-death, non-love solution. He’d pulled miracles before. Tom and the Captain mutated into lizards and he still put them back together again! Tom didn’t even do that god-awful lizard-snake thing with his tongue when he felt particularly annoying anymore.

It nagged at me that maybe this was one time I've gone too far. Samantha was adamant about it being a bad idea. What did I do? I drank it anyway. I admit—and perhaps it wasn’t a sentiment my mother would approve of—that I'm worried about not knowing when death will arrive yet sharply aware that it must be soon. I huffed. Not that I expected the Doctor to fail but at least if he did she’d be happy! She’d see it as dying honorably to secure the resources needed to protect the lives of everyone on _Voyager_. Look at me, the warrior! Ha!

I stopped wasting time and headed for Sickbay, aware of how every second ticked by. I just needed the time to finish laying the groundwork for the warp modifications so I could leave _some_ sort of mark on the Delta Quadrant. My life has to mean more than the Academy dropout who joined the Maquis on a hero's crush, got herself practically captured by Starfleet because of it, and now might die because of some ridiculous love potion!

When I stepped inside Sickbay, I assumed an exemplary Starfleet stance by my understanding. The Captain looked less than impressed. She looked murderous actually.

"Were you planning on hiding this from us?" The Captain gestured to herself and the Doctor. The Doctor had that look he gets when I tell him adding anything more to his program will be a hindrance and not an asset: mildly bewildered and greatly disappointed. What speech did the Captain give him to bring out that look?

"No."

"Why did you take their drink after Ensign Wildman told you it was dubious?"

"They demanded it for trade negotiations. Was I supposed to forget about the supplies?" I crossed my arms in front of me. I shouldn't be doing this, but maybe I had a death wish beyond _love_ poison. What a ridiculous concept!

"Why did you bother to bring a science officer if you weren't going to listen to her?" The Captain's mouth formed a tight line.

"I did listen and I made a decision"—an impulsive decision—"while knowing her warning."

"That wasn't a decision for you to make. _I_ am responsible for you." This was just like her! I remembered why I despised her so much in the beginning. She thought Starfleet held _all_ the answers. We did just _fine_ on the _Val Jean_ before she and the Caretaker wrecked everything!

"It wasn't _my_ decision? I was the commanding officer." Maybe Starfleet terms will convince her.

"You want to quote protocol?" Her eyes hardened and she put her hands on her hips like a battlecry. "Let's quote protocol, _Lieutenant_ : Starfleet protocol dictates an away team contacts their CMO and their CO when entertaining possible health risks." I knew my glare faltered. I forgot.

"There wasn't any time for that!"

"So you risk the health of _Voyager_ 's Chief Engineer over it?"

"It would have looked bad if we backed out."

"That sounds like a _question_ , Lieutenant." It did sound like one. I growled. This was pointless. I didn’t have any firm ground to stand on. Everytime I thought I had something, she’d set it on fire. "Doctor, see what you can do," she added firmly when I looked away.

" _Voyager_ needs the triadium," I muttered, "unless you _want_ to stay in the Delta Quadrant indefinitely." I glanced at her face as I heard the Doctor move closer. A flash of uncertainty crossed her expression. Hah. Not so certain now! She schooled her expression quickly, looking firmer than it had when I walked in. I clenched my fists. I did her a _favor_! I didn’t have anyone she'll have to write home to about. She dropped her arms.

"The Ehlu are not the only species in this quadrant, B'Elanna." _Great_ , first names meant she was taking pity.

"Mr. Paris," I froze my request for her to save her pity for someone who cared to look around the room for Tom, "will you set up the microscope for a blood scan?" He was in the back cleaning tools, but he set the one in his hand down with a soft clatter when he answered the Doctor.

"Sure, no thing, Doc." I felt embarrassed as my cheeks warmed. Oh, how I hope he hadn’t heard whatever explanation the Captain gave the Doctor! I reluctantly moved to the biobed that the Doctor indicated. The Captain hovered. Ugh, I understood what Harry meant about her _look_. I felt like I've just committed high treason. I still felt her gaze when I focused on the far wall, counting the light blips on the display next to the main door so I didn’t wring my hands instead.

Tom came to the Doctor's side with two halves of a microscope slide in each hand. The Doctor drew my blood from the inside of my elbow. I shook it out while he took and prepared the slides. Tom leaned on my biobed, taking the Captain’s place when she followed the Doctor to the microscope.

"So I hear you're looking for someone to romance you?" I snapped my head to look at him. I was angry—no, furious—that someone betrayed me and now I wanted a fight. I didn't win the one with the Captain, but I could beat Tom with my eyes closed! I glared and crossed my arms protectively—for him. He was lucky I didn’t shove him; I really wanted to.

"Don't even try, Flyboy," I snarled. "I wouldn't date you if my life depended on it." The truth to those words wasn’t lost on me. It was entirely why I said them. Funny wasn’t I?

"Ouch. And it looks like it is."

"I don’t want any romancing."

"Want the boys to come crawling to your feet, begging then?" I had no such notion. I didn't believe that kind of happiness was for me. I'd be the first to know that looking for doting relationships was not worth any of the trouble. Besides, I didn’t even want that!

"I _want_ them to leave me alone." Tom's eyes rose toward his hairline.

"The girls then?" I snarled. He had no right to insinuate anything between me and anyone!

"Hate to interrupt," the Doctor didn’t sound all that upset at interrupting: smug hologram. He liked to talk too much. I turned my glare on him where he was peering into a microscope nearby. He looked up to address me. "I don't think I can counteract the effects of the drug." His statement threw me off a moment. What was I here for again? The narrow-minded fog lifted long enough for me to remember what brought me here in the first place. It wasn't to chew out Tom— _or chew on him_. No, no, no! Drop that thought! I never thought that.

This drug certainly messed with my judgement.

"From the rate of your cell deterioration, I'd say you have a month from today: Stardate 50537.19." I blinked several times, impressed that he got down to the minute. Tom's hand went to my shoulder, sending goosebumps down my whole left side. I shifted away jerkily without looking toward him.

It was clear that the Doctor had more to say. He took a long look at Tom, then turned back to me. "I suggest you do as the Ehlu prescribed." My upper lip curled into a snarl. A low growl erupted as I stormed past the Tom, brushing roughly against his shoulder when he didn’t move out of the damn way.

When there are no witnesses, I am going to dismantle the EMH! Line. By. Line! It will be an exhilarating exercise! With my back turned and my foot out the door, I heard the Captain quietly behind me.

"Tom, keep an eye on her."

"Me? Seems to me like she's in no mood for company." I couldn’t hear the Captain's response, but I could guess that she was ordering Tom to go get me anyway. _lugh’a’bogh quvvetlh._ How dare she think she had all the answers! She had no right! _QI'yaH_! All five foot five inches of myself angrily stomped down the corridor. It satisfied me that several ensigns pressed themselves to the bulkheads as I went past. Too soon, I heard footsteps gaining on me. Before I could slip into the turbolift alone, Tom, with his longer legs, caught up to my side. He was a little winded, but not nearly enough to satisfy me. I didn’t know why that bothered me. I won't touch the thought. Finally, I gave in to the urge to shove him away.

"Leave me alone, Paris." Tom stumbled back a few paces, but still managed to join me in the turbolift before the door slid closed, turning sideways to fit. Seemed I was not the only one with a death wish. Angry half-Klingon plus fatally annoying pilot times small space won't turn out well. To his credit, he stayed faaar out of my space.

"Sorry, Torres, Captain's orders." He gave me half a smile. Ha! Like using my last name is some sort of peace offering?

"What?" I crossed my arms to prevent myself from throttling him for aggravating me. _That might be fun._ Okay no! That was not my thought either. Except that it was and I can't forget that with him near me. An uncomfortable silence descended. I took a breath. "Deck nine," I barked, having forgotten to a moment ago. I huffed as I turned to focus on the turbolift doors. If he moved one muscle, I'll break him in two. The knowledge that I could do so easily comforted me. "She ordered you to _romance_ me?" I said with a sneer to convey my disapproval.

"Sorta." I impatiently waited for him to expand. "She asked me not to let you get into any trouble." His voice took a softer tone: almost sad and equally longing. I drew a breath to dispel the flutter it caused in my chest. "Can't lose our best engineer." I expelled the breath forcefully as cover.

"And I _can't_ date the pilot." I didn’t say best because his head was bloated enough as it was, even if…. Even if he was one of the best pilots I've ever met, including Mike and he was pretty good considering he never went to the Academy. I had an urge to push Tom away, maybe pin his smug shoulders—no. What was wrong with me? "You're a pig, Paris," I said, surprisingly myself with how even I sounded. The turbolift seemed to take forever since I'd not called for the deck immediately. It'd better open soon. I was getting irritated.

"What about the field medic? Dinner?"

I heard the whisper of clothing shift before I felt his hand on my arm. I whirled on him. Without thinking, I grasped his hand and wrenched it back, hearing the bones in his wrist protest. Tom yelped. "Fuck!" His brow creased as he bent unnaturally to ease the pressure on his wrist, anger and pain clear in his eyes. _Broke him in two, huh._ I released his most likely broken wrist with satisfaction shadowed by a guilt that I didn’t want to acknowledge.

"Go be a field medic," I snapped.

"Go _what_?" Tom stood up straight, cradling his hurt arm against his chest, but he looked no less furious. "I'm trying to help, B'Elanna!" I stepped closer. He does not scare me!

"This is _not_ helping," I growled. He was unfazed. Damn him.

"Oh, and here I thought shouting matches are required elements of Klingon foreplay," he stated smartly. I stepped back as he stepped closer. I could feel the warmth of his breath and I could feel the turbolift walls at my shoulders and butt. I took a sharp breath. Fifteen centimeters away he was not—more like _five_. Four. Three. Two.

The turbolift doors opened and he hesitated to draw back, smirking. I tore my eyes away once he did to see who— _who got in the damn way_. Vorik's gaze flitted between the two of us. My lip twitched. What the hell was he doing on my deck? He lived on deck ten. "Move." I was sick of people. I didn’t even bother to be polite. Vorik stepped aside without hesitation, frustratingly calm and wearing that mask of Vulcan superiority when I passed quickly. I'd like to punch it off his face and then go about my day.

"Do you require assistance?"

"Not from you," I muttered, embarrassed before I realized he was talking to Tom.

"No. Just hurts like a son of a bitch." That gave me a shiver. _I_ did that to him and he _still_ wanted to kiss me? "Deck five." I glanced behind me to see an empty corridor. Irked, but somewhat satisfied, I closed the distance between my quarters and where I stood in record time. The doors closed with a soft, infuriating breeze.

"Arrrg!" I grabbed my throwing pillow, a gag gift from Chakotay that's proved more useful than gag. It sailed from my hand near the door to the bulkhead near my bed. The beads inside _thumped_ gratifyingly against the metal. I crossed the room to retrieve it again. "Damn aliens!" _Thump._ "Tom, _petaQvetlh_ !" _Thump._ "Arrrg! And the Captain!" _Thump. Thump._ Feeling the edges of my temper melt away, I collapsed onto my bed and lay back, breathing too heavily. Tom was all I could think of. He was going to kiss me right there in the turbolift! And—ugh— _why_ did I wish he had? He was such a horrible idea!

I was still on duty. Swearing, I pulled myself up and made the trip to Engineering where I could hopefully, finally, immerse myself in warp core modifications. I was close to the answer; I could feel it.

When I reached Engineering, no one gave me any untoward looks, not even Vorik who saw me break Tom's wrist and then Tom's _stunt_. I felt a pang of guilt spring up now that I wasn’t as angry. I didn't have to break his wrist. I did think I'd break him in two but that wasn't serious!

Was it?

He'd just gotten in the way while I was angry and—I don’t know exactly—single-minded. It was all just collateral damage. If he wanted a relationship with me there would be plenty of that.

I banned the thought of a romantic relationship with Tom from my mind as I slipped through the open door of my office and bid it closed behind me. He was still my friend; I hoped. I settled at my desk to review my work so far. His little stunt made me wonder how much more he wanted from me. Just friends must not be enough for him. I couldn’t forget the reputation he earned on the _Val Jean_.

 _Hu'tegh_ , just another "Paris Conquest" and I was going to _let_ him.

I needed to focus on something else. The abandoned PADDs for warp core modification jumped out at me. I looked over the first to fill my mind with equations and hopefully push Tom out.

I was working on three different sets of equations simultaneously for three key systems. I could ask Joe to double check my work, but I didn’t feel particularly social right now and I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up. The first equation was an extended kinematics relation with quantum variables thrown in to account for plasma flow and warp speed. The goal was to figure out how fast we needed to get plasma to move in order to bump our maximum cruising warp factor up another integer. As of now, _Voyager_ could comfortably cruise at warp six for an extended time period. Ticking that up to seven and then eventually eight would knock a few years off our journey. I reviewed the equation for errors. Upon finding no errors, I looked over the second set of equations, moving quickly so thoughts of Tom couldn’t invade.

Who does he think he is, trying to kiss me? His stunt played though my head and my chest fluttered as my heart pounded in my ears. He was so close. And warm. Damn. I felt like I could still smell him. Paranoid, I looked up at the empty room just to confirm that he hadn’t snuck in. He wasn’t here. Of course. Why would he? I definitely broke his wrist and--I stopped myself once I realized he's invading my thoughts.

The second set of equations outlined known pressure and stress relationships on _Voyager_ 's hull. I had accompanying shear flow graphs for the profile, top, front, and back of _Voyager_ . Moving faster places more stress on the hull, especially around the nacelles. Lose those mid-warp and we'll be effectively stranded since the remains will have dropped off so far behind us that retrieval in a reasonable amount of time at impulse or the lower warp that the shuttles can manage would prove impossible. This set of equations and accompanying graphs were actually complete. With minimal reinforcements around the nacelles, I should be able to reduce the physical limits of _Voyager_ 's hull for higher levels of cruising warp. I set the PADD with those equations down in order to look at the final set.

I won't think about Tom. I won't think about Tom. I won't think about Tom. Just his name was enough to bring back that fluttery feeling and his smell. He smelled _good_ . Ugh! Think about _work_. This was work time!

The final set outlined energy requirements and outputs based on kinematic results. I didn’t have the numbers necessary to plug and chug with the energy requirements, but I knew roughly how much energy _Voyager_ will output at warps seven and eight over a three hour period. The estimate was sketchy for now since I didn’t know the additional mass needed to reinforce the nacelles. That was more of a guess and check equation so I haven't bothered working it out yet. I looked for errors once more. There were none. I turned back to the kinematics relations and try various methods of solving for the missing variables. After several minutes, I was growing frustrated. Normally, modifications were just up my alley. I've done more than my fair share on the _Val Jean_ . With _Voyager_ being a new, state-of-the-art ship, these should be child's play.

Tom once said it was the best ship he's ever flown.

I leaned back in my chair, quitting for the time being. I was distracted anyhow. I had a month to live. What did I need to get done before then? These modifications. Make sure Carey was prepared. Say goodbye to Chakotay, Harry, Tom? No, not Tom. He didn’t deserve it. I won't ever consider Tom Paris. He's just—. He's not worth fretting over. He's too cocky and downright infuriating sometimes. I didn’t know how I managed to develop a crush on him in the first place.

I tilted my chair onto its back legs, testing my balance. Had the drug began to affect me more than it already had? I balanced just fine and concluded my current distraction wasn’t an effect of an ailing mind. The door opened without a chime. It startled me into settling the chair correctly.

"B'Elanna, you should rest. I took you off duty for the rest of today." Chakotay ducked into my office.

"Why did you do that?" Maybe if I acted innocently enough, Chakotay will think someone's pulling his leg. He glared at me, disillusioned. At least I tried.

"Because you just found out you have a month to live... Or," he smirked, trying to lighten the mood no doubt, "you can always live with Paris for the rest of your life." It was only because we've been friends for so long that I didn’t rip a limb off.

"Ha! I'd rather die." He frowned. His face fell, as does my mood. I knew his plan to cheer me up backfired spectacularly. Now, all I could think about was death. Slow, painful, terri—no. I'm Klingon. Death did not scare me. A quiet voice reminded me that I'm more— _less,_ I argued back—than that.

"Sorry. I wasn't thinking." I raised a hand to forgive him and to dismiss the depressing thought of my death. It would be an honorable death. That didn’t make it any less unsettling.

"It's okay, Chakotay." His eyes looked sad and tired. Did mine look the same? "I couldn't focus just now anyway." I stood with a nervous chuckle. I didn’t know what to do other than work to be completely honest. I realized Chakotay could help me sort through that. He'll always be the unofficial counselor whether that ship was the _Val Jean_ or _Voyager_. Maybe a quest will help me? Maybe I needed to talk? I didn’t know.

"What's on your mind?" I shook my head dismissively.

"Nothing: just...life?" It surprised me that I couldn’t say death aloud. It is an honorable death; I should be able to talk about it with my closest friend! It _is_ honorable right? Was it more honorable to ignore Tom when his eyes stir up all sorts of feelings? Was it more honorable to ignore him and deal with my death alone? There were myths and all sorts of phases about bravely meeting one's death. However, no matter how hard I thought about it, I couldn’t remember anything about choosing death instead of taking a chance on love. Too bad Mom gave up on trying to teach me anything. I sighed. This wasn’t helping.

Chakotay found a seat on the edge of my desk, holding his palms face up on his knees. Open. I looked up, away, anywhere but him. Everything suddenly felt real. Now that I didn’t have the anger to fall back on, the darkness took root. I'll die alone. It's—. It's not what I'd ever expected and it wasn’t going to come quickly in a battle where I could feel it happening, yet hardly think about it. Whatever I thought otherwise, I’d always expected to die like that somehow. I couldn’t talk. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself. I didn’t want to talk about death. It didn’t feel right to have all this time to question it. "Good night, Chakotay." He stared.

"Good night, B'Elanna." His voice sounded like it was coming from underwater: deep and fragmented. I took my leave so quickly that Chakotay was still sitting on my desk when I exited. While walking back to my quarters and then getting ready for bed, I managed to focus on my motions enough that the dark thoughts couldn’t come unbidden. Once I was ready for bed, however, they returned, upset at having been ignored for so long. They wanted to make up time.

_This is far more than you deserve. You bear Klingon blood but you do not bear Klingon courage, nuch._

I somehow managed to make my way to my bed under the heavy curtain of darkness. I recognized this darkness. It came once before when Papa left. I pulled Toby from under his pillow and placed him next to me. Memories of crying into Toby’s plush as a little girl swallowed me whole and I couldn’t help but repeat history even as my thoughts mobbed me for my weakness. _You are weak. You are not fit to call yourself Klingon._ The sobs left my throat dry and my voice broken as I whispered to Toby.

"I'm going to die soon."

I didn’t know what was worse: the realization that I'll be alone after all when it happened or the irony that all I had to do was let Tom in. He seemed interested enough. I just didn’t trust him and I knew it was pitying to think of myself as that broken little girl who her own father couldn't stand. I just couldn’t help it from coloring my thoughts now. Tom was...Tom. He'll drop me when he got bored like he did with so many things.

Besides, I never expected to ever find _the one._ If it was Tom, wouldn’t I already know that? I shook with hysterical laughter. My life had been too busy. For a little while, I honestly thought Max might have been enough, but with the distance time had afforded me, I could see how wrong that assumption had been.

Max was too controlling. He liked things his way or no way. I didn’t function that way for anyone. He also had no patience for anything Klingon and as much as it _frustrated_ me at times, I couldn’t bear to part with that heritage. Some things I couldn’t leave behind even if I wanted to and I needed someone for those.

The _’IwmeQghach_ , for one, loomed over my head. I've never been through it obviously. My mother assured me it would happen; I had the markers. Would Tom take to being bitten by me well? Will he run away? Maybe he wouldn't right away. Maybe he'd run away after he got tired of me. I shook the thoughts loose. I couldn’t think about Tom.

I reflected on Mother instead. I didn’t know how she can be so sure of my impending _’IwmeQghach_ when I rejected most everything else Klingon. However, as far as I've discovered, the _’IwmeQghach_ was genetic. Dislike of _gagh_ was purely preferential. Will the drug trigger the _’IwmeQghach_? I hadn't thought of that before now and my behavior around Tom suddenly made sense.

I can't have—. He can't—. How will the drug know to let me live? It's not like there are Klingons on this side of the galaxy! Will Tom understand what's happening to me? Do I have to sleep with Tom? Kiss him? Tell him I love him? Is this really the _’IwmeQghach_? For Tom? Did it even have anything to do with the drug?

Frustrated and embarrassed that my thoughts have once again returned to Tom, I rolled onto my right side to face into the empty half of my bed. I tucked Toby under my chin, turning him so the damp side was against my hand instead of my chin. Emotionally exhausted as I was, I fell asleep quickly and deeply.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ghuy’cha’ - a little stronger than ghay’cha’

The steadily crescendoing _beep beep beep_ of my alarm dragged me out of unconsciousness. I rolled to the other side, wishing to prolong my warm comfort. Then I recalled yesterday. I didn’t have time to sleep in. With a grunt, I sat in bed to slip out of the comforting warmth.

"Computer, reset alarm for 24 hours." The incessant beeping stopped as the computer chimed its agreement. I undressed, showered, and redressed on autopilot. Pilot. Tom. Stop that. Forcing him from my mind, I headed for Engineering, opting to skip breakfast because, one, I was queasy and, two, I didn’t want to socialize.

To my surprise, when I got to Engineering, everyone working within sight of me stopped to give me a nod or a sad look. As I passed on my way to my office, I counted at least twenty such gestures on the ground level and another three on the upper level. Annoyed, I slipped into my office and engaged a privacy lock.

"Torres to Tabor." I waited the necessary time for him to acknowledge me. "Did you tell the crew about the Ehlu?"

" _No. Of course not. Why?_ "

I growled. "Everyone's giving me pity eyes."

" _Sucks. Hope you figure it out. Tabor out._ "

"Torres to Wildman." Another few moments of waiting. "Did you tell the crew about the Ehlu? Or Neelix?" Neelix would spread the word in no time at all.

" _I'm sorry, B'Elanna._ " My mood soured considerably as I heard Samantha apologize. " _But I had to tell the Captain._ " The Captain? Then how does all of Engineering seem to know? Ugh, it must be Tom! " _You didn't seem ready to accept the truth. I wanted to make sure you got help._ "

"When did you tell her?"

" _When we got back. I told her in confidence in her Ready Room. She had a privacy lock engaged._ " My stomachs twisted.

"Thanks... Torres out." I stopped pacing to settle into my desk. It was probably Tom who told, but I have to be sure Vorik didn't have anything to do with it.

"Torres to Ensign Vorik. Report to my office." The signal was acknowledged. I disengaged my privacy lock and waited. It didn’t take long for Vorik to walk into my office, hands behind his back and head held high. I scowled at him. There was no need to use my "happy to see a subordinate" expression. "Did you tell the crew about the Ehlu?"

He hesitated. "I did not."

"But you know who did?"

"Indeed." I waited for him to continue, but he didn’t get the hint.

"Are you going to tell me?"

"I do not think that would be wise without a witness present." A witness? Ha! Was he trying to make a joke?

I waved my hand aggressively. "Fine, go." Vorik left me alone with my thoughts. They drifted unbidden to Tom. I would like to comm him and ask if he told anyone, but his comment earlier about calling him any time made me less than thrilled to do so. It was early enough that he could be in the mess hall if he opted to have breakfast. He probably did; any time he came by while I was eating with Harry or alone in the back, he always grabbed a large plate of food. I'd be surprised if he skipped meals ever. Asking in person was the better route to go. I was curious if I actually broke his wrist anyway. Maybe I didn't. Maybe that's why he still wanted to kiss me. When I stepped out of my office, I spotted a tuft of blond over red shoulders near the entrance talking to Carey.

Carey looked up to point my way. Tom's face lit up like a warp core coming to life. I pretended not to have seen him and hurried over to a nearby console. I was busy with...nothing really, just trying to look that way when he arrived on the lift next to me. Seeing him put my stomachs in knots that I couldn’t loosen.

"I didn't see you in the mess hall. Want to grab breakfast?" I made a face at his request. He leaned over the closer half of my console so I stepped aside a little.

"Did it occur to you that I ate before you?"

"It did, but I've been up since five and in the mess hall since five thirty." Why he'd been up so early? Was he so worried about me that he couldn't sleep? Doubtful. Just why did he want to help me anyway? Orders? The Captain had ordered he help me yesterday. Was it still in effect? "I know you didn't come in for anything. Not even coffee."

He moved to look over my shoulder. I was running a busy-looking command that just printed the structure of _Voyager_ 's entire complement of hologram files in an effort to fool him. They went by quickly, probably too quickly to read if you didn’t know what to look for. I didn’t feel bad about not working. Technically, my shift wasn’t for another thirty minutes as I usually did have time for breakfast.

I didn’t even have to feign surprise at a few of the preloaded programs to look like I'd spotted something odd on the system: Battle of Wolf 359, Cold War, Federation-Klingon War, World War II. It baffled me how easy it was to kill one another. Too bad none of them thought of death by love potion! I could feel Tom’s heat radiating off of him. It was impossible not to notice. I could probably attach him to environmental and keep the whole ship warm.

"Since you don't want to have breakfast, how about lunch?" I shook my head and stared at the console. "Dinner?"

"No Paris. Leave me be. I just want to get my work done." He stayed silent. Heh, that worked. I'll actually get my wish.

"Right, because watching the file system scroll past is _work_." I felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment and closed the terminal command quickly. "I minored in computer science for the holoprogram courses, B'El." I turned on him, surprised by the nickname and then by how close he is. I forced my lungs to take a deep breath so I didn’t shove him away. Oh. How was his wrist? I had an urge to grab it again. I won't break it: just convince him I might.

What was I thinking? He tried to kiss me last time. If I did it again, he will probably succeed. I don't—. Well, I do—. Not here. No, this was Tom. I stepped back.

"Move, before I break something again." I let my eyes flutter dangerously down and then up his body to convey that everything on him was fair game for damage. Maybe I'll knee him this time. Watching him keel over would probably be entertaining for everyone in Engineering. My lips quirked.

"Alright." He stepped back, holding both hands palm out towards me. "I'm moving." It looked like whatever I'd done to his wrist healed already. What a shame. He could move both without wincing. "No need to bust any chops."

"Did you tell the crew about what you heard in Sickbay?" I needed to ask him. Tom shook his head, frowning.

"No, not even Harry." I eyed him warily. "I swear I didn't. And I always tell Harry things first. Ask him if you don't believe me on either claim." His eyes looked honest enough. I nodded once.

"I believe you." I walked past him toward another console. I still had maintenance checks to run for the warp systems. I couldn’t make the ship cruise faster than warp six if it fell apart around us first.

It was a good thing I knew the maintenance routine so well, because my mind buzzed with too many questions to accurately categorize. Tom moved to stand beside me. He was staring into the warp core when I looked up. I could relate. The pulsating blues and whites were easy to get lost in. Instead of picturing the warp core, I pictured his face as he looked when he's zoned out for a senior staff meeting. What was he thinking when he stared like that? Was it even intentional?

"Did you ask everyone on the away team already?"

"That was the first thing I did," I snapped, having been caught off-guard by his voice cutting over the mental image of him.

"The Doctor?"

"He couldn't: patient-doctor confidentiality."

"You're right. He's a real stickler for that." Tom leaned on the console to my right, avoiding the buttons. I could feel his gaze on my face and who knows where else. Giving him a warning glance wouldn't do any good; he'd be happy I'd noticed him ogling.

"That's how he's programmed." I try harder to focus on the task at hand. It dawned on me suddenly that the only other person who knew before was the Captain. " _ghuy’cha’_." 

"What?" Tom leaned away from the console and looked down, probably to see if he accidentally activated anything.

"The Captain," I sneered. Realization dawned on Tom.

"Oh." Tom looked out at the lower deck. He caught several people's eyes, all of whom quickly looked away as if they were embarrassed to be watching. "I'd bet she's trying to force your hand." Something about the way he said it reminded me of asking for someone's hand in marriage.

I scowled. "She'll have better luck teaching Neelix how to actually cook." He turned to look at me, mild shock registering on his face.

"Remind me not to get on your bad side." I snarled at him when he leaned a little closer.

"You already are. Want another broken bone?" Tom hesitated. He then stepped back with a sigh.

"You'd really rather die than try to date me?" I didn’t look at him, but I heard the hurt in his voice. I didn’t answer. Eventually, Tom got bored of watching me, or else couldn’t be late for his shift, and he left. I got through the rest of my shift without hearing from anyone regarding my condition. I was glad, if exhausted.

When I got ready for bed—earlier than usual because I felt more fatigued than usual—I couldn’t clear my mind of what the Captain did. It occured to me that maybe even Chakotay betrayed my trust, but I didn’t think so. If he had it'd have to be under orders to do so.

Oddly, I understood why the Captain would tell everyone. Maybe if I were someone else, the rampant concern would convince me to give Tom a chance. Ha! I'm too stubborn for that. I've faced concern and disapproval all my life. I was not about to bend to it now.

With a grunt, I turned over in my bed, trying to find a comfortable position. I was so tired, but no matter which way I lay I felt hyper aware of my skin against the sheets. That made me hyper aware of my limited mortality. In turn, I circled around whether the drug the Ehlu forced me to drink really killed people.

It didn’t make sense to me that they should offer it to guests during negotiations. Perhaps the drug could only affect Ehlu so strongly? They might give the drug out to be memorable. The translator could have malfunctioned. Though, to my knowledge, it had never malfunctioned so astutely before. Death was usually a well-defined word in any language. Confused and mildly annoyed, I eventually drifted into a fitful sleep.

_"Mother?" The room was dark but B'Elanna couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being watched anyway. She felt around with her hands. She couldn’t see anything; her eyes may as well be closed. She blinked a few times to judge whether they'd been closed. Nothing brightens. "Mom? Where are you?" She stayed silent and still for a moment, listening._

_"Lanna." B'Elanna felt a hand on her arm. Without seeing anyone, she knew it was her mother. They both felt a wave of calm wash over her at the gentle touch. Her mother spun her to face her and B'Elanna just barely made out the silhouette of her mother's hair. "Be careful, daughter of mine."_

_That's all she said before B'Elanna sensed her mother's presence disappear. She could still feel a presence, but it wasn’t her mother's._

_"Careful of what, Mom? The drug?" She paused. "Tom?" There was no answer. It was imperative that B'Elanna find out. She couldn’t wake up without knowing. "Mom! Come back!" B'Elanna groped in the darkness for her mother. Really, she'd be happy to find anyone, but she kept bumping into things scattered on the floor. Her mind played tricks on her: telling her that they were snakes or limbs, but they didn’t move and were too hard for either. At least until she bumped into what was definitely a limb._

_The arm hadn’t grabbed her, but her foot got caught under the hand. It made her skin crawl. Whoever she bumped into didn't protest. Falling to her hands and knees beside the body, B'Elanna listened for any sign of life. She heard none. Too curious to just walk away, and irrationally worried the body will spring to life and grab her as she tried to move away, B'Elanna turned on her knees to walk her hands over the body. There was still no protest when her hands groped over what could only be a pair of boobs. B'Elanna shifted so she could reach the body's face. She didn’t know who would be dead. If it weren't for the boobs she'd have thought it was Tom. It could be her mother, but she'd been alive moments ago. It probably wasn't her mother._

_It struck B'Elanna that what her mother said could have nothing to do with Tom or the drug. It could have been to be wary of this body. She took a deep breath and pressed her hand to the body's chin. She felt around at the hair: short and straight. The body could be the Captain. B'Elanna moved to touch over the high cheekbones toward the nose. She didn’t feel any air circulating and her chest clenched with the realization that even though the body was still warm, the woman must be dead. The nose didn’t feel like how the Captain's looked. The bridge swooped more than the Captain's. She felt a low peak at the top of the bridge, parallel to the woman's nose. Her breath caught. B'Elanna inched her fingers higher over the forehead._

My eyes shot open when I felt my own ridges on the dead body. It took me a moment to realize I was no longer dreaming and that the past events were indeed a dream. My room was as dark as the dream had been.

"Computer, lights fifteen percent." The lights rose as I sat up, clenching my blanket to my chest. Sometimes after an odd dream, I looked through the dream catalogue to understand the meanings behind the biggest themes. I didn’t have to tonight. I've dreamed of finding a dead body. I'd never found my own body before. Normally, my dreams just killed me and I'd wake up.

Finding myself was unsettling. A dead body supposedly meant that I held resentment against that person...hence why Tom or the Captain made sense. It didn’t come as a surprise though. I laid back down. I didn’t expect to fall asleep so I didn’t turn the lights down. I stared out the viewport, wondering how many civilizations have risen and fallen in the night.

My alarm woke me in the morning. I found myself curled around a pillow with Toby tucked under my arm. I was warm. Laying here, I could almost forget my imminent death. Even though I'd been woken in the middle of the night, I felt rested and strong as I climbed out of bed. I could beat this. I dressed quickly, stopped by the mess hall for a plate of eggs while it was still early, and took a thermos of coffee with me to my office. I've only just started when Tom came to see me directly. He walked in with such purpose that I thought he was here in an official capacity.

"You can't ignore me forever, B'El." Never mind. I bit back a "watch me." Staying silent better demonstrates my ability to ignore him. Tom slid between me and the console I was running warp core simulations at. I gave him room by stepping away since I didn’t want to give him any ideas. "Dinner? You have to eat."

"I can eat on my own."

"Where's the fun in that?"

"Sometimes I read when I eat alone." He laughed. I slid over to another console to continue my work.

"Yeah, stiff engineering reports I bet."

"No, Klingon romances usually," I said calmly. Oops. I paused my work and looked up. I didn’t know what made me say it. It just sort of tumbled out like it had a mind of its own. Tom's eyebrows rose.

"Klingon romances, huh?" His wheels were turning, likely thinking through ways he could use this knowledge to his advantage. "I'm sure that's a large genre. What sub genre?" I scoffed.

"As if I'm going to tell you." Tom regarded me a moment. I should send him out, but his eyes were hard to look away from.

"I bet I can guess." I managed to look away from his smirk. He leaned on the edge of my console. "Let's see, romance genres..." He sounded unsure. I risked a glance only to see him still smirking. "Erotic?" I glowered at him.

“You’re a pig, Paris. Proud of it?”

"Alright,” he clapped his hands together, “so yes then."

I ducked under his statement and hiss, "No!"

“Hey,” he held his hands in surrender, “I’m not judging. If you want any sug—.”

“Stop, I don’t want to hear it.” I turned to face him, crossing my arms. Tom nodded, smiling. What was he thinking now? I wanted to know and I didn’t want to know.

"Okay, so...what does B'Elanna read during dinner?" I should answer him succinctly before he concludes anything else.

"Historical or suspense. Now go."

"Historical or suspense," Tom repeated as if to commit them to memory. He stepped back from the console, but hovered like he had something more for me.

"You’re something else," I growled. I will _not_ be seen kissing Tom Paris, chauvinistic pig, in my department.

"Hmm. Hate to point it out," he didn’t sound upset at all, "but you had to be thinking about it to notice." He stepped closer and spoke softer. “If you don’t want suggestions,” my heart hammered in my chest as he drew closer, only just hovering in the space I breathed from. He must hear my heart. I heard his.

Oh damn, Vorik. I stepped away. I didn’t know if that Vulcan had hearing that good, but I didn’t want to find out. Tom froze, studying my expression before stepping back. He looked down at the console on his right, running a hand through his hair.

“That was too much, sorry.” He glanced up, looking nervous? Really? He pointed to the exit awkwardly. “I’ll just be going. See you later?” I didn’t know if I responded but I didn’t think so.

I stared after him as he left. What was that about? Nervous and awkward didn’t fit with my image of him. I looked away as he walked out the door to Engineering and went back to work.

At dinner, I took my tray to my room. I wanted to read, but not in front of Paris. With death on my doorstep, I wanted to make time for the things I liked to do. It usually relaxed me to read one of my favorite heroines trying to uncover the mystery of her admirer through the handwriting on the archaic, unsigned notes.

Tonight, however, I kept picturing the admirer as Tom even though I’ve read this story before and know the heroine described him as dark-haired and brainy. I put the PADD away, finished dinner quickly, and went to sleep.

The next day when Tom came calling, I managed not to talk to him at all. He left annoyed and didn’t goad me with his knowledge of my pastimes. I took lunch alone, actually reading engineering reports. They were anything but stiff. The reports in my hand held the outcomes of my last few simulations. I just needed a few more tweaks to the kinematics equations before they were just right. Dinner was also taken alone. I read another chapter, spending a full hour lost in the fictional world.

The next day unfolded similarly to the day before. Tom came by. I ignored him. It was easier to do after the first day. This time I hardly looked at him. I worked through lunch so I could fine tune the equations for my warp core modifications. I was pleased to realize at the end of lunch that at this rate, I'll have my modifications ready by the week after next: a full week before my death date.

Dinner started quietly that night, but Chakotay’s chime pulled me out of my novel and rather than risk having someone send me to the Doctor (or sending Paris my way), I answered. Chakotay's broad frame filled the doorway.

"Hey, haven't seen you in a while."

"I've been busy." Chakotay stepped past me into my quarters. His gaze lingered on the piles the accumulated PADDS throughout.

"Trying to open a library?"

"I'm writing my last will and testament; trying to decide who to leave _Engineering_ to," I joked. Chakotay didn’t see the joke. He looked away and tugged on his ear. "Sorry, too soon, huh?" He looked up to give me a weak smile.

"A bit. You've got most of a month left?" I nodded as I grabbed a non-standard mug of tea for myself. It was too late for coffee. My replicator account has been mysteriously full at all times. I didn’t know if the crew had been chipping in or if the Captain simply authorized full access. I suspected the crew. Full access should have made the account not even show me the remaining credits. How long this will last before they realize I was a lost cause? My cold shoulder for Tom the past two days had probably made its rounds.

"Want something to drink?"

"I'll have what you're having." I ordered another peppermint tea in a standard mug. Chakotay sat down in my reading chair. It was the only surface besides my bed that didn’t have PADDS strewn over it. I moved a few PADDS to the coffee table and sat on the couch near him. "So." I sipped my tea. "What's going on?" I heard what he didn’t ask. My mood at spending time with my friend plummeted. Ugh. _I need better friends!_

"With Tom you mean?" He smiled sheepishly.

"Guilty."

"Nothing. We're not going anywhere."

"Why not?"

"I don't trust him." Not to leave once he was bored, I added for myself.

"You know, he actually never stops talking about you on the Bridge? It's always B'Elanna knows how to do that; B'Elanna would laugh at this; B'Elanna told me that; B'Elanna likes this," I froze, remembering the embarrassing conversation about romance novels. Chakotay didn’t seem to notice. Either the crew was being extra polite, or Tom hadn’t told anyone.

"That's why I don't trust him." Chakotay stood and set his half-finished tea on my coffee table.

"I'll let him know that then." I looked up at my friend in surprise.

"You can't be serious? You're on _his_ side?"

"I'm on _your_ side, B'Elanna. I don't want to lose you." I looked away. Too late for that.

"Good night, Chakotay." I got up from my couch, gathering both mugs and placing them on the recycling tray. I was not in the mood for tea or company anymore. Chakotay let himself out. My body hurt from fatigue, I had a headache, and I was annoyed at everyone on _Voyager_. As I readied myself for bed, I groaned. Tonight I'll probably dream of everyone dead. Great. Just what I needed!

_The entity ensured that B'Elanna never did dream. She didn’t have a fitful sleep either. Instead, as her breaths grew even she drifted into oblivion, unable to awake the next day on her own._


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DaHjaj yIghaj - "Own the Day"  
> yItam, nuch! - Be quiet, coward!
> 
> Thank you tortitudette again for the language help and beta! It's so fun learning about language and culture nuances from you. <3 <3

~I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION NOW.~

~What? What's going on? Why can't I see anything? Where am I?~

~TOO MANY QUESTIONS. I AM THE MAJY. THANK YOU FOR HOSTING ME. WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER?~

~I remember... My head fucking hurts. What did you do to me?!~

~ANSWER THE QUESTION.~

Images of the past few days streamed in unordered: Chakotay, turning Tom down repeatedly, Engineering, the away mission, the Captain's betrayal. The other voice—not Klingon, not human—approved of the images.

~GOOD. YOU REMEMBER THE IMPORTANT PIECES.~

~The important pieces? What the hell do you mean?~

~I AM THE MAJY.~

~You said that already.~

~IT IS IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET.~

~You step into my mind and you think I'll forget you? Doubtful.  _ What _ is happening?~

~YOU ARE ASLEEP.~

Tom's dated, well-used phrase jumped out before I could stop it, ~No shit, Sherlock.~

~TOM. TOM PARIS.~

~...Yeah, he's my friend.~

~BUT YOU WOULD LIKE MORE THAN FRIENDSHIP?~

The sensations of his comforting warmth near my side and even the invigoration of his persistent attitude drifted to the front of my mind—not to mention his stunt in the turbolift and that time in Engineering. ~No.~

~DO NOT LIE. NOT HONORABLE, KLINGON.~

~It's not  _ honorable _ to take up residence where you don't belong.~

~I AM NOT KLINGON. I DO NOT CARE FOR HONOR.~ That unsettled me. Once people saw the ridges usually they treated me like all I cared for was honor. This  _ thing _ didn’t care and it bothered me. Maybe it was Mom’s Klingon or someone’s from the monastery, but it bounced around my head non-stop at the revelation.  _ I _ care about honor. ~YOU INVITED ME HERE, KLINGON.~

~Wait, invited?~

~THE DRINK THE EHLU OFFERED WAS MYSELF.~

~No that’s—. They didn’t tell us—. I never would have if I knew.~ I remembered the cryptic toast Tatan gave. I should have pressed for more information after he and Milna stopped explaining. The Captain was right. I should have asked first.

~DOES NOT MATTER. I AM HERE TO HELP YOU BECOME MORE THAN FRIENDS WITH TOM PARIS.~

~I'm not ready to do that.~ His name triggered his question: I hear you're looking for someone to romance you? He looked genuine, but at the same time, there was something I couldn’t place it. It was like...he thought he'd get the job automatically. We flirted sometimes, but that's nothing real! It's just a chance to forget how alone we are out here. What exactly does this majy mean?

~YOU ARE NOT EHLU SO I WILL EXPLAIN, BUT ONLY ONCE.~

~...I'm listening.~

Images of the Ehlu homeworld appeared as I last saw it, except there were no modern buildings, only forest. Several Ehlu in rough tunics and pants were scattered around several person-wide trees. One kneeled and used her nose horn to cut a hole into the closest tree to me. This looked like the planet Tatan described before his ancestors discovered fire.

~GREND PRIME~

~The Ehlu homeworld.~

~YES. LET US CONTINUE.~

The female Ehlu drew back from the tree and her partner drove a wooden spigot into the hole. It seemed carved from a lighter wood than the tree around it. A drop of liquid formed at the end. The female Ehlu held the mouth of an animal bladder around the spigot while her partner tied the end to it.

~THEY ARE COLLECTING MAJY.~

~You come from a  _ tree _ ? Tatan said they killed off all of the neighboring species.~

~WE MADE MOST EHLU FORGET US. TATAN AND MILNA ARE TRUSTED TO PROTECT US.~

As we thought—spoke?—the female Ehlu took a drink from the pouch. When she handed it to the male, I expected him to drink as well, but instead he tied it off and smiled, speaking in a language I didn’t understand. The tone sounded sweet regardless. 

~Why?~

~WE WERE BEING HARVESTED FASTER THAN WE COULD REPRODUCE.~

I felt like a small child with all my questions. ~Why did they do that?~

~WE CAN ARRANGE AGREEMENTS.~

~They needed us to drink you so the trade would be in their favor?~

The scene darkened with the beginnings of dusk. The female Ehlu tentatively reached for the top of the male's head and I could feel her trepidation as she did the same gesture Milna did for Tatan. It was like a kiss, I realized, as the same flutter I felt in Engineering washed over me.

~NO.~

I admit that I'm confused. ~Then why?~

The Ehlu were expressing what I could recognize as touching platitudes from the way I felt on hearing the foreign words.

~WE DEMAND NEW EXPERIENCES. TO HAVE ALL DRINK US WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER, BUT THIS IS GOOD TOO.~

~Glad you're comfortable,~ I retorted. If I could, I'd roll my eyes.

~THANK YOU.~

~Now when do you let me wake up?~

The image subsided and I wanted to try bringing it and the safety I felt back but, frustratingly, I couldn’t.

~AFTER WE MAKE AN AGREEMENT.~

~Not much of an agreement if you are holding me hostage in my own body.~

~YOU WILL LIKE THE AGREEMENT.~

~...What is it?~

~MATURE MAJY ARE NOT LONG-LIVED BUT WE ARE BOUND TO OUR HOSTS UNTIL THEN. IF WE ARE NOT SATISFIED, WE CAN CHOOSE TO TAKE THEM WITH US INTO DEATH.~

~You kill me if I don't do what you want? I don't like this agreement.~ It was not the matter of death that bothered me now. It was the principle of not giving me a chance to fight back.

~THAT IS NOT THE FULL AGREEMENT.~

~Finish it then.~

~I WILL HELP YOU MOVE FORWARD WITH TOM PARIS.~ I suddenly realized with clarity what it is the majy do.

~Arrange agreements? You were responsible for those two getting together?~ No wonder Ehlu nearly harvested the majy to extinction. That feeling...it was intoxicating.

~YES, BUT HE WILL NOT REMEMBER US AFTER I AM GONE.~

~How is that supposed to work?~

~IT MUST BE SO. HE IS NEITHER TRUSTED EHLU NOR HOST. YOU CAN PURSUE HIM AGAIN AFTER I AM GONE.~ This sort of trial run kind of made me happy. ~AS IT SHOULD.~

~Not  _ talking _ to you.~

~DO YOU ACCEPT?~

~What do you get out of it?~

~NECESSARY EXPERIENCES. DO YOU ACCEPT?~

~I...he won't remember anything? What about the rest of the ship?~

~THEY WILL FORGET AS WELL SO LONG AS THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN SUBJECT TO THE MAJY'S INFLUENCE.~ I didn’t think anyone had.

~I accept.~

I woke up with a start. I had the strangest dream. I'd been talking with Chakotay about Tom, went to bed, and then—I must be crazy—another voice that claimed to be some kind of  _ majy _ spoke to me.

~I AM STILL HERE.~

~QI'yaH!~

~DO YOU REMEMBER OUR AGREEMENT?~

~Yes.~

~GOOD.~

The majy stayed silent. I slipped out of the warm bed and dressed quickly. What do I do next? Ask Tom to dinner? I went to the mess hall for a fast breakfast of granola and yogurt before taking my thermos of coffee to my office. My hands were shaky and I felt jumpy.

If Tom's keeping the same schedule then I only had five minutes before he found me. If I put myself in a Jeffrey's tube before then, I'll buy myself another five minutes.

~HIDING IS NOT HONORABLE, KLINGON.~

~Shut. Up!~

Right on time, Tom leaned against my console. He looked less than enthusiastic today.

"Dinner?"

"No," I responded.

~ _ WHAT _ ARE YOU DOING?~

~You're too loud.~

I shook my head. "But," Tom stopped his exiting spin and turned to look at me, surprised. "We can do lunch?" I didn’t know why I phrased it as a question. The only way he'd say no was if he had a conflict and I was fairly certain he'd drop the conflict for me. The realization made me feel light on my feet.

"We can do lunch. Today?" He sounded immeasurably hopeful.

~Happy?~

~FOR NOW.~

"Yeah." I nodded and smiled softly to play for my  _ audience _ . "Let's meet today in the mess hall." Tom nodded back, looking awfully exuberant for one of Neelix's meals.

"Do you want me to pick you up?"

~YES.~

"Sure," I said, embarrassed to be saying so but refusing to let it show. Tom smiled. Before I could react, he pecked me on the cheek.

~OH! THAT WAS FUN!~

My hand goes up to cover my cheek—to hide it—but from the look on Tom's face, he must think I was savoring it. I forced my hand down quickly, hoping no one saw what just happened.

"I'll pick you up thirty minutes after twelve hundred hours." I nodded and turned back to my console to hide my face. I didn’t know why I was so flustered all of a sudden, but my stomachs were full to bursting with butterflies.

~BUTTERFLIES! WHAT A PLEASURABLE EXPERIENCE.~

~Calm down. You're making it difficult to focus.~

I heard Tom leave and I was grateful he didn't try another kiss.

~I'D LIKE ANOTHER KISS.~

~That wasn’t even a real kiss.~

~I KNOW.~ An image of myself from the Academy kissing Max weaseled its way into my mind’s eye. ~I WOULD LIKE A REAL KISS.~

~Woah, put that away.~

~I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.~ The image faded anyway.

~I was pretty terrible when I was that age. Stupid really.~

I still found it difficult to focus on maintenance. The majy's excitement kept getting in the way. I relinquished the job to Nicoletti and settled into my desk to try my hand at warp modifications until lunch. By the time I relinquished my maintenance job, it was about eleven hundred hours.

I found it difficult to focus on the modifications as well until I had a sudden epiphany. The epiphany turned out to be somewhat of a pipe dream, but I didn’t realize until noon. With thirty minutes to go, I couldn’t for the life of me put any focus into anything. I laughed a little at the joke. My life was literally on the line, though warp modifications won't save it.

It was a sobering thought that the only thing standing between me and death was Tom Paris. It wasn’t sobering because of death. No, I wasn’t worried about that. I'd expected to die the first week shipped out with Chakotay in complete honesty. I'd been okay with that. Nothing was going my way anyhow. To have the chance to make a difference in a worthy cause—even if I got myself killed—was perfectly fine. What's sobering about all this is that Tom Paris, playboy extraordinaire, is someone I find I relate to. What exactly does that say about me? I forced the thought from my mind and glanced at the clock on the PADD in my hand:

**1203** .

I didn’t want to appear like I'd been waiting for him. I stood up and grabbed my engineering kit. I'll go to a Jeffrey's tube and double check connections. It's numbing, mindless work. I'll be able to do it without harming myself even if my mind wandered off to think about Tom.

~YOU ARE NOT HIDING ARE YOU?~

~No. He'll be suspicious if I'm waiting around to see him when I should be working.~

~...CONTINUE.~

No one questioned me as I opened my kit next to an access port to withdraw the tools necessary to remove the plating. I had it out of the way and on the side in no time. I closed my kit with all of the tools within, slid it down the tube a little, and then crawled inside. Should I move the hatch to cover me and make Tom look for me? That wasn't protocol for this type of work, though.

~WON'T HE BE SUSPICIOUS IF YOU DO NOT FOLLOW PROTOCOL?~

~Yes, he’ll be suspicious.~

I withdrew a voltage meter and spent the next thirty odd minutes testing connections, twisting the wires of poor ones, tightening bolts, and trying to ignore the steady rise of anticipation from the majy. I was a few meters into the Jeffrey's tube when I hear Tom's voice at the open end.

"Trying to escape?" Despite myself, I smiled. In some ways I had been.

~If he forgets after this is all over, can I still tell him about you before then.~

~YES.~

"I'm just staying busy."

"Ready for lunch?" His hopeful eyes returned to capture mine.

~HIS EYES ARE PRETTY.~

I nodded to both of them and started my crawl back to Tom. He stepped back to let me out. When I was upright, Tom asked, "You need to drop that off in your office?" He gestured to the kit in my right hand.

"Yeah, I'll be quick."

"I'll come with." I boarded the small elevator to get to the catwalk and my office. Tom followed. He stood closer to me than he probably should; his shoulder brushed mine.

~HE SHOULD STAND CLOSER.~

~Enough of that!~

The elevator ride was mercifully short from the first floor to the second. I pushed the gate on the upper level in so that I could step onto the catwalk grating. My face felt warm all of a sudden; I blamed the majy. 

~I LIKE THE BUTTERFLIES BEST. LET HIM TOUCH YOU MORE.~

~ _ Stop _ telling me what to do.~

Quickly, I dropped my engineering kit on the inside of my door and returned to the elevator where Tom had saved it. "Eager?" His eyes spoke of mischief.

~VERY.~

"Hungry," I corrected both of them. After that, we were silent until we reached the mess hall. Even then, when we spoke, we didn’t speak to each other. Seemed the majy was as nervous as I was. Or maybe my nervous energy rubbed off on it like its excited energy rubbed off on me earlier?

“Good afternoon, B’Elanna, Tom,” Neelix said, smiling broadly. “I have mashed leola root, sala—Oh. No someone took the last of the salad. Sorry B’Elanna.” I smiled back.

“I’ll just have the mashed leola root, Neelix. Save me a salad next time?”

“Of course!” Neelix turned to Tom after settling my plate on my tray. “Mash for you too, Tom?”

“Sure, Neelix. Thanks.” He accepted the plate graciously. We turned around to survey the room. Tom pointed to a small table opening up in the corner. “What about that one?” Really, this was one of those solitary eating tables. The second chair was a joke. I took another look around but there was nothing else.

“Alright sure.” Tom took the seat against the viewport. I had no choice but to take the seat across from him. My knees hit his when I slid in and we both awkwardly arranged ourselves so we weren’t touching. I knew that my knees sat between his legs. His left knee blocked the view under the table but with the table so small, it wasn’t hard to guess how our legs must be arranged. Tom seemed to catch on to my discomfort.

"We can move to another table when one opens? Or we can do a replicator meal?" By the way he said it so casually, I knew it must be the crew who had been keeping my account mysteriously full. It wouldn't surprise me if Tom orchestrated it. I shook my head. The prospect of eating in full view of the mess hall made me less uncomfortable than spending time alone with a confident Tom Paris. This was silly. It wasn’t like we’d never sat at a table alone before!

"No, I'd rather stay in the mess hall." I looked around at the mess hall. It was full as usual for lunch. If anything there were more people, probably because everyone gave me their rations. Feeling guilty, I looked away. "Let's just move when someone moves."

~NO, I LIKE BEING THIS CLOSE.~

I mentally rolled my eyes. ~I know you do, but it's a lot to handle for me.~

I dug my fork into the pale orange mash of leola root in the center of my plate. Of leola root offerings, this potato version was the most appetizing. Probably, that was because Neelix doused it with butter and oil. On any other food, I'd try patting or pouring it off. On leola root, however, I found myself sliding my spoon around my plate to pick up as much grease as I could. Tom ate quietly.

I could do this. Quiet company, even if our legs tangled provocatively, was easy enough to handle. If I focused on my food and didn’t tilt my knee where it could touch his, I could almost pretend I was eating alone.

~WE WILL NOT PRETEND TO EAT ALONE. LOOK AT HIM.~

~Sorry. I'm overwhelmed. I'm supposed to somehow fall in love with him so you don't kill me when you die? You're in my head so you already know, that's not going to be easy.~

~YOU WONDERED OF TATAN’S TOAST?~

~Yes. Why are you bringing it up now?~

~YOU KNEW THE DRINK WOULD INVOLVE THESE ELEMENTS: LIVING, LOVING, AND DYING.~

~Yes, I—.~

~YOU AGREED TO OUR AGREEMENT.~

~You were cryptic too!~

~AND YOU DID NOT ASK TO CLARIFY. THIS IS YOUR LIFE, KLINGON, LIVE IT.~

I snuck a glance up at Tom through a curtain of hair. He wasn’t watching me. I took the time to study him. His face was symmetrical, eyes round and soft. I liked the little puffs under each of his eyes. They weren’t signs of sleep deprivation since they weren’t discolored, merely signs of a fleshy, often-smiling face. His nose was straight and his face looked long: made to look longer by the blond hair on the top of his head.

"Like what you see?" My eyes shot down from his soft-looking hair to his eyes. He fixed them on me.

"Oh, no, I was just looking." I winced inwardly. It sounded like I was at a market trying to ward off potential peddlers. "I was just wondering about the majy."

~LIAR. YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT TOUCHING HIS HAIR.~

~Shh!~

It was irrational to think Tom would hear the majy exposing me, but the majy was so loud that maybe he  _ could _ hear. Tom looked at me puzzled.

"The what?"

"The drug the Ehlu made me drink."

"You  _ named _ it?" He sounded thoroughly confused.

"No," I shook my head, "I dreamed about it being called that and— You know how when you dream sometimes, you know things with absolute certainty that you wouldn't or couldn't know in real life?" Tom nodded his head.

"I know the feeling well," he said, like he was challenging me to ask.

~THEN ASK.~

~Not now.~

I continued, "It was like that in my dream."

"What dream?" I debated how much to tell him. I was not even sure how much he'll believe.

"The one I had last night."

~...ARE YOU GOING TO TELL HIM OR NOT?~

"This is going to sound crazy, Tom."

"I don't know." Tom resumed eating. "Define crazy: drinking something you know is dangerous crazy?" From the set of his jaw, I could tell he was still mad about that. I couldn’t tell him about the majy now. What if he made a scene? Everyone in the mess hall will hear it, probably the bridge too.

"Nevermind.” He looked confused. I tried offering him something inconsequential. It was my fault that I opened with  _ let me tell you something inane _ , “I uh, the dream made me wonder...." I didn’t know how to finish.

"If this could work?" He gestured to the two of us with his empty hand. I nodded.

"Yeah," I concluded quietly.

~GUESS NOT.~

~I don't want to talk about it here: too many people.~

"I wonder too," Tom said, closing the topic. I went back over our conversation for something to talk about. All I could remember that might have more were his comments about being certain in dreams and his wariness about us working out. I decided the dream was a safer option.

"What kind of things are you sure of in your dreams?"

"I don't follow you."

"When I mentioned the feeling of being certain of something ridiculous in a dream, you said you knew the feeling well."

"I did?" I frowned.

"You're avoiding." What did he have to avoid? He looked down at his food.

"You and me usually." He said it so quietly I hardly realized he'd said anything at all. It wasn’t like him to be shy. Or maybe it was considering what happened in Engineering?

~AS FRIENDS? THIS IS IMPORTANT, B'ELANNA.~

~I don't want to ask him now.~

~EVEN THOUGH YOU WANT TO KNOW TOO?~

~Even though.~

~I WILL REMEMBER THIS.~

~Wait a minute! I’ll find out eventually. Let me just do it my way.~

~ALRIGHT.~

Tom’s comment about wondering if we could work for real made sense now, especially if he dreamed about us being together. Dreams have a funny logic to them. Vulcans came to mind. Vulcan dreams in particular.

"You think Vulcans have illogical dreams?" I changed the subject. He looked surprised but pleased when he grinned at me. At least the previous topic seemed as difficult for him as it was for me. Why was that?

"You think Vulcans dream? I always thought they meditated them away." I took another bite of food. With his conversation to distract me, the food seemed even easier to stomach. Did he actually like me?

"Maybe. I don't normally ask Vulcans about their dreams."

~Has a Vulcan ever hosted you?~

~I AM NOT FAMILIAR WITH VULCANS.~

"We could ask someone now." Tom made a show of looking around the room. I followed his eyes, noticing that three larger tables had opened. "Vorik's eating with Ensign Ballard over there." He gestured by flipping his hand at his wrist. "Eating with" was a relative term. The two were sitting diagonal from each other and not speaking, though Ballard looked up to offer Vorik the occasional smile like she does when she thinks someone needed it. Harry said that her tendency to do that and her dedication to  _ DaHjaj yIghaj _ made her fun to be around. It must be nice to be able to pick and choose the best parts of Klingon culture to live by. Tom touched my empty hand. Oh, I forgot to respond. I looked at his fingers on my hand and then up at his face. "Want to move?"

~BUTTERFLIES ARE VERY NICE AREN'T THEY?~

~Be quiet or I will ask to move.~

I shook my head, "No." Tom seemed glad too. He didn’t move closer; didn’t make any motion. The moment lingered. I looked down at his wrist, pulling his hand into my free hand. “Did I break this?” He twisted his body back to face mine and that made his outside knee brush against my right knee. He left it there. I nudged his knee away slightly. He moved it away.

~WHY DID YOU DO THAT?~

~Sorry, you were getting too excited and it made me uneasy.~ I felt better with the space, but it made me think about the agreement I made. ~How far do Tom and I have to go for you to let me live?~ Why didn't I ask before? Those two Ehlu “kissed”, but Tatan and Milna did the same in our presence. It couldn’t have been very intimate. I could kiss Tom if that’s all we—.

There were no words in response, just images of coupled humanoids, mostly Ehlu, in various modes of undress. If they wore clothes at all, they were obviously sharing a private moment. I even caught a few declarations of love. I recognized one entanglement as the pair that the majy first showed me.

~How do you have these?!~

~OUR GUARDIAN TREE STORES MEMORIES FOR EACH GENERATION.~ Sitting here with Tom, I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed at the idea that  _ billions _ of strangers will know  _ intimate _ details about my life.

“...Colles’ fracture,” I realized Tom was still talking to me. “Nothing major.”

"I-I should go." I hated my voice for stuttering. His hand fell out of mine.

"Oh. Okay. Lunch again tomorrow?"

"Sure," I replied quietly. Eating together really was better than alone. Besides, if I didn’t, the majy was sure to make my life miserable until I did something that pleased it. I just couldn’t believe  _ that  _ was what it wanted. I gathered my tray and left to return it to the replicator.

Tom didn’t move to follow me. For that, I was grateful. When I looked around at the mess hall on my way to the replicator, no one looked at me either. I felt relieved. I expected we'd be the main feature of  _ Voyager _ 's rumor wheel before lunch even ended. Of course—I frowned as I set my tray in the replicator return—there had been a lot more people here when lunch started. After leaving the mess hall, I went to the end of the corridor and requested the turbolift.

~YOU DO NOT LIKE THE GUARDIAN TREE.~

~I don't like billions of people knowing about my life that way! Can you keep me out of it?~

~IF I DID THAT THEN I WOULD BE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN.~ I felt a pang of pain from the majy.

~What if you let Tom remember after?~

~I CANNOT DO THAT. IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO SUPPRESS THE MECHANISM RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING ALL FORGET.~

~Oh.~

Potent sad images from the majy crossed my mind: a child lying bloodied and immobile alone, a young man holding his ailing wife's hand on a medical bed, tortured screams rising from the darkness... Tears already pricked my eyes. I got the sense that these were memories of failed attempts of the majy. I shut my eyes after I stepped into the turbolift. The majy coaxed one of my own sad memories into view: I was trying to cry myself to sleep but even sleep avoided me.

"Stop!" The turbolift dimmed and lost its happy hum. I triggered the emergency stop. Ops will be notified. Great. Still, now I could push the image of myself crying and all the others back.

~...I AM GLAD YOU UNDERSTAND EVEN THOUGH IT'S SAD.~

~Don't do that without warning me!~

“ _ Kim to Torres _ ,” I tapped my badge. “ _ Are you alright? _ ”

“Nothing to worry about, Harry.”

“ _ The turbolift works okay then? _ ”

“Yes, Harry. Relax.”

“ _ Alright. Kim out. _ ”

"Deck eleven," I said when it was clear the majy has nothing more for me. "Resume." When I stepped into Engineering, I felt a wave of familiar calm wash over me to drive out the lingering sadness.

_ This _ was where I belonged. With new found vigor, I strode across the space to check on the warp core from the ground level. Nicoletti stepped aside for me, smiling politely.

~WHY DO YOU NOT WANT TO BE REMEMBERED FOREVER BY MANY?~

~I don’t need anyone to. It’s creepy that I can’t choose what gets remembered. Even if I  _ could _ choose, I wouldn't.~ I added next as an afterthought, ~besides, the people I care about will remember me enough as it is.~

Just as I reached the console,  _ Voyager _ jerked to the right and I grabbed onto the top edge of the console.

~WHAT IS HAPPENING?!~ I winced.

~Too loud. I need to think.~ The anxiety of the majy creeped at the edge of my consciousness, but it didn’t invade. I looked up at the warp core to visually assess the damage. It still glowed blue, but now more subdued. We've dropped out of cruising warp. I confirmed this on the console just before another jolt.

" _ Captain to Engineering, _ " the sound came through Engineering's comm. " _ I need more power to shields! _ "

~SHIELDS? WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!~ Chaotic sounds of battle rose inside my mind as the clamor of Engineering peaked. I didn’t see any images from the majy, only sounds, but even the thin wall separating me from it was being pressed on intensely as the majy tried to maintain control. I had to act quickly.

"On it, Captain!" I snapped. "Nicoletti!" She was the closest to the shield console. Nicoletti quickly started working in front of the console. I moved beside her, holding onto a railing in case  _ Voyager _ decided to buck again.

"That's all I can do without compromising weapons or life support," Nicoletti confirmed.

"Captain, we're at maximum." There was no answer from the Bridge. The majy's rising anxiety wasn’t helping me to focus, but at least the inner clamor died down. "Engineering to Bridge."  _ Voyager _ was no longer shifting under weapons fire. They should let me know that the fight was over.  _ Why _ haven’t they? Maybe comms were out? I was about to call out to whoever was closest to the communications console when an alien voice filtered through Engineering.

"We are taking control of this vessel. Fight us as you see fit."

"They  _ want _ a fight?" Nicoletti asked beside me.

"They'll get one," I snarled. "You three." I pointed to Jor, Ballard, and Mendez. "Go with Nicoletti." I turned away as Nicoletti turned toward the flustered but determined crew members. "Vorik!" I saw him walk in a little after I had. "Help me lock them out of  _ Voyager _ 's systems."

"Aye, Sir." Vorik made his way to the console I'd been at earlier. I joined him. He was unsettlingly calm, but I found that it helped me focus better. I heard Nicoletti with her crew leave. Not long after, I heard a calamity outside the doors: shouts, weapons fire, struggling. I didn’t have time to be worried as I spun around, heart pounding with adrenaline, to see the doors open. They admitted tall, lumbering aliens with tough-looking skin. In a blur of motion, I sprinted to the emergency phaser kits. There were still a few guns left. I took one for myself and threw one toward Vorik.

"Vorik!" He caught it and took a defensive stance beside the warp core. At this time, several others had taken to emergency phaser docks. They weren’t as powerful as the phaser rifles down in weaponry, but they'll do in a pinch. I took the lift—conveniently near these phasers—to the catwalk. A design fluke or intentional? It only took a few seconds to modify the phaser to kill on contact from behind a pillar. I only hoped it could get through the tough hide of the aliens.

I aimed and fired at the alien. It was good that I caught him. Carey didn't see him approaching. The alien yelled as he fell, catching Carey's attention for a moment. Carey sidestepped away to stand on the other side of the warp core where I could better cover him. A few of my engineers made it to the upper level by the same elevator or the symmetric one on the other side. The rest of the crew took similar places to coordinate with colleagues above and below.

~THIS IS BAD. THIS IS BAD!~

~I need you. To. Be. Quiet!~

"Finish locking them out, Vorik. We'll cover you," I called. Vorik didn’t bother responding. I heard the clatter of his phaser on the console and then the beeping commands soon after. Carey took a position closer to Vorik's flank. I shot at an alien scaling the column on the far side. He fell to the ground with a satisfying  _ thunk _ , but found his feet remarkably. I'd hit his armor instead of his bare skin. The alien glared at me with malice, giving me a better look at him. He looked eerily similar to Nuran from the Ehlu's home world. Nuran unsettled me. This alien made my hair stand on end.

"Come get me!" I spat.

~NO!~

The alien drew his own phaser. Suddenly panicked, I shot for his arm, missed—to his obvious amusement.

“Damn it.” It felt better to have the pillar at my back where I would be out of sight. I growled when I regained control of my emotions.

~Stop getting in the way!~

I slipped down so I was sitting, hoping an unexpected position will be to my advantage. I peeked my head from the side of the column slowly. The alien fired almost as soon as I spotted him. I drew back hastily. The beam narrowly missed the ends of my hair.

~BE CAREFUL! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!~

~yItam, nuch!~

I turned my head to the side to look at the others on the catwalk. Few were still firing, several were hiding behind columns with evident fear, and some were lying motionless. I braced myself for my next words.

"We surrender."

~DO NOT DO THAT!~

~Only  _ Engineering _ is surrendering. Others on the ship are fighting back. Someone will come up with a plan to rescue  _ Voyager _ .~

I rose to my feet. Then, I engaged the safety on my phaser before slowly edging it into view sideways. The majy's anxiety was almost suffocating now. I dropped the phaser on my right and then slowly emerged from the left. The alien who shot at me grinned.

"Hardly a fight! But still, we will learn much from you." My stomachs churned in bitter recognition.

~You know them?~

Before I could find out more, someone hit me on the head—hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: the first draft of this story never had anything like the majy (pronounced MAH-jee). It came much later.


	5. Chapter 5

Bella felt heavy in her bed. She shifted, remembered her belly and decided she was better off staying where she was. She turned her head to look at the empty bed beside her. Her heart ached to wonder where her husband was. She'd written to him two months ago about her pregnancy. They'd been trying for a year and of course it'd work once he had to be away at war. The British had the worst timing imaginable.

Bella dressed quickly, sure to wrap her long cardigan tightly around her body, partly for protection from the cold, but mostly for comfort. He'd given her this cardigan before he volunteered for service. His country needed him, he'd told her. He wouldn't want to raise a child under any oppressive regimes anyway, he urged.

Bella sat to pull her boots on sideways, no easy task with her belly blocking her movement. She'd always thought he'd be here to help her. Tears threatened for only a moment before they spill over. Automatically, she swiped them away. The wall in front of her cleared as her vision cleared. She still hoped his infantry group will come through the farm where she could lay her eyes on him once more.

It was early enough that she didn’t run into anyone. The baby was just waking up as she stepped into the country-style kitchen. The baby turned over, making her stomach flip. She swore; its new position pushed on her bladder. Before she set to work on making breakfast for the guests, she had to use the bathroom.

Bella worked in the kitchen afterwards, filling the three large tulip vases with water. She was the first here. Normally, she was second to Kathy, her friend since childhood and now her sister in arms. Still, it surprised her when a hand touched her shoulder.

"Bella?" She looked up at Kathy's gentle smile. "Would you like help?" She looked around the kitchen; they were the only ones here.

"That would be wonderful, thank you."

"Why didn't you wake me? You know the midwife doesn't like you on your feet so early in the morning." Kathy slid next to her to begin laying out bread on a tray for the oven. Bella shook her head as she replaced the pitcher and then washed her hands.

"It's better if I stay busy," she replied bitterly. Kathy didn’t say anything, long enough for Bella to think she'd gotten the better of her, finally.

"I understand, dear. But, when my father died, they sent me a letter. He’s probably fine, Bella." That made things worse as far as Bella was concerned. She felt her lip curl into a frown as her eyes stung with new tears.

"Everyone's busy. They could have forgotten." She maneuvered quickly past Kathy for the pot she needed for oatmeal. Kathy stopped her.

"He's a good man. No one would forget to tell you."

"Then why hasn't he written back?" Kathy let Bella continue past.

"You said it yourself: everyone's busy." Bella sighed as she drew out the pot from the upper cabinet. It was times like these when she had her doubts. If he truly loved her, he wouldn't leave her without a message for so long would he?

"I don't want to think about it." They continued making breakfast. The smells of fresh toast and oatmeal eventually drew the weary soldiers downstairs. They make polite conversation while Bella and Kathy served them, waiting for the last person to be fed before they took their own meals.

A balding man approached them at the end of their meal. Exhausted as she was, Bella managed to smile at him politely. She was sure Kathy did the same.

"What can we do for you, soldier?" She saw many men puff up at that label. Like her husband, they were all proud to be fighting for freedom.

"I'm not a soldier; I'm a doctor." Bella nodded her head in apology.

"Sorry, sir. What can we do for you, doctor?"

"I was hoping to speak with the two of you in private." Bella stood warily. She had a few odd soldiers who didn’t seem to understand she wasn’t interested. Normally, seeing her rotund belly displacing her dress made them tramp away faster than a frightened horse. The doctor looked surprised by the roundness of her belly but he didn’t scamper away. Kathy came to Bella's aid, holding her arm like she was the treasured teacup of a fragile China collection.

"We can take you in the sitting room." The doctor bowed his head to them both.

"Of course, please," he stepped back to let them pass, "lead the way." They did. The jovial laughter of the other soldiers pulled at Bella. Even though she knew no new soldiers arrived, she looked out into the crowded dining room attached to the kitchen where they were scattered on the floor. She wished to spot her husband but knew better than to expect it. A gentle tug on her arm reminded her to watch her step on the few stairs leading down to the sitting room. Kathy guided her to her favorite chair for its perfect height and firm cushions. She sat down. Kathy took the chair near her and the doctor settled onto the edge of the couch.

"What would you like to discuss?" Kathy began.

"This will sound unrealistic, but I assure you, it is the truth." Kathy and Bella took a moment to share a wary look. This doctor could be crazy. It wasn’t common for someone of his title not to be in the middle of the war effort now. His opening didn’t give them any good signs.

"Go on," Bella said when she turned to face the doctor once more.

"This," he waved around the room, "and that," he pointed to her belly at which Bella placed her hands protectively over, "aren't real." How dare he!?

"What are you saying?" Kathy demanded. Bella couldn’t answer.

"I'm saying that this is an elaborate experiment. We're on _Voyager_ , a Starfleet vessel trapped in the Delta Quadrant." He pointed to Kathy. "You are its Captain, Kathryn Janeway." He pointed to Bella. "And you are its Chief Engineer, B'Elanna Torres. You're sick and you need to snap out of this before it's too late." Bella's heart pounded in her ears. Engineer? Sick? And what kind of name was B'Elanna?

"I don't under—" Bella started before Kathy interrupted her. She stood abruptly with the so-called doctor.

"You can leave, sir," she said gruffly. The doctor grabbed hold of Kathy's arm. Kathy gasped when he pressed something to her neck. Bella stood quickly, panicked.

"What did you do to her?!" Kathy's expression changed.

She looked down at her outfit and whispered, "Oh my," before turning to Bella. The doctor looked relieved.

"It's alright, B'Elanna—"

"Bella," the doctor corrected.

"—Bella. I'm fine." When the doctor approached her with a strange stick in his hand, she drew back with a hand on her belly and another on her neck. The palpable fear that he'll hurt her and her baby consumed her mind. She fell into the chair she'd forgotten about. Kathy reached for both of her hands and drew the one down for the doctor to gain access to her neck. She jerked her head side to side even as the doctor pressed a cool needle object to her skin. In moments her memories returned.


	6. Chapter 6

~FINALLY! I COULD NOT REACH YOU. THE RAKREAR ARE THOROUGH.~

It felt like waking up, only I was already sitting and dressed. I looked around. The light filtered in from a tall window with a gauzy blue curtain hanging over it. The ends were slightly tattered, but the material looked rich regardless. The Doctor and the Captain were standing over me. The Captain was holding my hands, but she released me when I blinked at her.

~Who are the Rakrear?~

I shifted uncomfortably when I felt a sharp stab in my belly. I stood, cataloguing my stiffness and then staring at my rotund stomach.

~WHAT IS THAT?~

~I asked first.~ The majy didn’t answer. I poked at my belly and realized I could feel it, but that it wasn’t being felt in the right place.

~Alright, it's a holographic baby.~ Who programmed me a holographic pregnancy? Tom? And why? A visage of Tom in archaic Earth clothing came to mind before the one clad in a Starfleet uniform did. I put my hand to my forehead, trying to remember.

~WE WERE ATTACKED BY THE RAKREAR.~

~Am I hearing annoyance?~ The majy didn’t answer me.

I wracked my memory for more information. The majy provided via images that in this holoprogram, I was Bella: a young woman whose husband joined the war effort. My husband looked suspiciously like Tom even in all the archaic Earth clothing.

~Did you change Bella's husband's appearance.~

~NO. I SUSPECT THAT IS PART OF THEIR EXPERIMENT.~

The baby kicked my ribs. Where was an access panel so I could make it stop doing that? I didn’t see one in the room. The conversation between the Doctor and the Captain grabbed my attention.

"How long have we been here?" the Captain asked. The Doctor stowed his hypospray in his pocket and shrugged.

"I'm not sure, but no longer than a few days. That's when I shut myself off. I tried getting into the systems since I had no idea what was going on. Eventually I found you."

"Ship status?" The Captain asked optimistically. The Doctor shook his head.

"I couldn't get that out of _Voyager_." The Captain squeezed his shoulder. The baby tumbled over to a new position as I inspected the room and I had to pause to understand the sensation. I touched my belly again, suddenly uncertain of my previous assessment. I couldn’t have been in this holoprogram for that long? Could I? The sensation was like before. I touched the top of my belly, but it felt like I was touching just where the band of my bra was: the wrong place. I let out another breath, which caused the baby to kick my hand. I glared at my belly before resolutely deciding to ignore it. The Doctor caught my motion.

"It isn't real," he asserted. I glared.

"I know that." I turned to the Captain. The sooner we get out, the better. "What's the plan?" She shook her head and placed her hands on the back of her hips as she paced. Her dress flowed out behind her with the quick pace. Who designed these things? I felt too warm in mine already.

"We'll just have to take back the ship. Doctor, have you seen any other programs?" He nodded.

"Yes, there's one on Wolf 359 running." The Captain grimaced.

"Can you reach the officers there like you reached us?" He nodded again.

"I should be able to."

"Good. Do that. Lieutenant Torres and I will make our way to Weaponry and then Engineering to see the damage. Have anyone you find split up to help at Engineering and the Bridge."

"Yes, Captain." The Doctor bid the computer to transport him to the second program in appropriate attire.

"Ready Lieutenant?" The Captain stopped pacing finally to regard me.

"Ready," though I wasn’t sure for what. We still didn’t have a way out. We couldn’t transport to Weaponry, unarmed. We needed a Jeffrey's tube. The Captain began searching the edges of the room. I joined her.

~Do you know why they attacked?~

~YOUR VESSEL WAS RECENTLY ON GREND PRIME FOR TRADE. THEY KNOW THE EHLU HAVE SOMETHING POWERFUL, BUT THEY DO NOT KNOW WHAT.~

~They are trying to get you.~

~THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAJY.~

"What happened on the bridge?" I asked the Captain. She shook her head.

"They were too powerful. Harry couldn't keep them from beaming aboard either. They had us outgunned and nearly outmanned. What happened in Engineering?"

"Around the time I sent Nicoletti for bigger weapons, they arrived at our door. I saw one of them _get up_ after a kill phaser to the chest."

"Damn."

"But if you hit their skin directly, they go unconscious. At least, I think so. I didn't have the chance to check." I recalled our losing battle with them. What did they want with us exactly. "They said they wanted to learn from us. This is one elaborate experiment." 

~Why experiment?~

~THEY HAVE THREATENED OUR EXISTENCE FOR AS LONG AS MAJY CAN REMEMBER.~

~So they want to get rid of majy?~

~YES.~

The Captain's eyes grew larger, as if realizing something for the first time. She asked, "Any indication that they might have returned our memories on purpose?" I looked at her with surprise.

"Do you suspect the Doctor was part of that deception?"

"I don't know. He could be. We already know his program can be compromised." The Captain and I finished in the sitting room and moved to the kitchen.

“He seemed alright.”

“He did.”

~Why do the Rakrear want to get rid of the majy?~

~WE ARE AN INSULT TO THEIR WAY OF LIFE.~

~As in, they think parasites who put couples together on penalty of death is bad? Gee, I wonder why.~

~WE HAVE NEVER INTERFERED WITH THE RAKREAR. MAJY SEE NO REASON FOR THEIR HOSTILITY.~ I could think of a few reasons why that would be a problem. If the majy never spent time with the Rakrear, that meant they couldn’t trade with the Ehlu. Milna and Tatan were adamant about drinking first. The majy didn’t answer.

"Do you know where we are?" I asked aloud, keeping my voice low enough that it wouldn’t carry into the dining room where all the holocharacters sat. "I have some memories, but they're scattered. I'm supposed to be Bella here and my husband's away at war." I realized for the first time, that I'd been rubbing my stomach when I stood. The motion was oddly soothing, but I stopped. It was too strange.

"I think it's the Revolutionary War or the French-American war?” the Captain answered. “I can never keep that history straight." It occured to me that Tom would probably know. Prompted by that thought, I was provided with a few fragmented memories of Tom as Bella’s husband. I picked up that he'd been kind and sickeningly sweet. Probably the two fell in love when they met.

~It can't be that easy.~ I expected the majy to answer in defense but I heard and saw nothing from it.

The Captain turned back to the dining room. She asked, "Have you seen anyone else?" Ha, not with the majy ignoring me.

"Just you so far."

"I haven't seen any crew either." The Captain returned to searching. "I hope they haven't separated us too much," the Captain grumbled and moved to inspect the counter where she could feel along the side. I took to the wall behind the counter, glad to have something to keep my mind off things. I felt restless. My fingertips grazed over a raised bump. I wedged them between the wall and the thin panel to pry the suction-sealed cover from the Jeffrey's tube. It gave way. We peered down the bright length of it.

"What do you think?"

"I say we go for it!" The Captain said as she bent to crawl inside. I winced at the posture. I didn’t think the baby—holographic or not—would like it much, but the tube should lead us out of the holoemitters range soon enough. I climbed in and as an afterthought, pulled the panel flush to the opening in case anyone decided to come looking for us. I was unfortunately correct in the baby's ironic opposition to crawling.

~FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND OF YOU, I WOULD EXPECT YOU TO BE MORE CONFLICTED.~

~Conflicted about what?~

~THE BABY.~

~It’s not real. There’s nothing to be conflicted about.~

~WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF IT WERE REAL?~

~It doesn’t matter. It isn’t real. Quit digging.~

~DID YOU NOTICE THAT?~

~What?~ I froze, expecting to hear some sound that spooked the majy.

~NOTHING OUT THERE. YOU FELT JOY FOR A MOMENT WHEN I SUGGESTED THE BABY COULD BE REAL.~

~No I didn’t.~

“Are you alright, Lieutenant?” I looked forward at the Captain as I started crawling again.

“I’m fine,” I answered. “The hologram is just bothering me.” The Captain chuckled.

“You sure it’s a hologram?”

"It better be," I snapped. As I did, the hologram faded. "There," the Captain glanced back at me, "holographic," I concluded triumphantly. Our clothing also returned to the comforting black, yellow, and red of Starfleet uniforms. We came to a crossroads: right, left, up, or down. I consulted my mental map of _Voyager_ 's Jeffrey's tubes. "Weaponry is below this deck," I said as I took the ladder down.

"Go. I'll follow." I nodded just before the shadow overhead alerted me to the Captain joining me in the shaft. When I got to the bottom, I waited for the Captain, who led the way to the next juncture. At the bottom of that one, the Captain commented, "Have you given any thought to your predicament?" I was surprised by the question. I didn’t think she cared.

"Not really."

"You’re aware that _Voyager_ won’t make it home without its chief engineer?"

“ _Voyager_ has Joe Carey still.”

“True, but I didn’t promote Lieutenant Carey did I?” I didn’t bother answering. We moved forward another few meters before she started speaking again. "Chakotay’s worried about you. He says ever since Seska—"

"Don't," I growled. I could feel my upper lip curl into a sneer without my intending to. The Captain continued regardless, flaunting her ability to disregard my requests.

"—you've taken to working more and smiling less. When he isn't fuming himself, the Commander is driven to distraction wondering if you're okay."

"We haven't talked about it."

"No, I didn't think so." She paused. The clatter of our crawl through the Jeffrey’s tubes drew my focus. "We don't have a counselor on board so we have to do the best we can to keep each other sane."

"And siccing Paris on me is supposed to keep me sane?" The Captain laughed. My mood didn’t change.

"I didn’t ‘sic’ him on you. He’s your superior officer. I sent him to make sure you didn’t hurt yourself after that news. The Doctor needs an update to his bedside manner.” I shelved my response of, “he’s not the only one.” We couldn’t take back _Voyager_ if we were at each other’s throats.

~ASK HER ABOUT THE LOOKS.~

~What?~ The majy provided me with a memory of all the looks in Engineering that second day back. ~How do you know about those?~

~IT’S YOUR MEMORY. ASK HER.~ I took the next right at the juncture. I was curious why she thought sharing my medical status with the crew was justified. That should be private.

“Why did you tell the crew about my illness?” She sighed.

“The Doctor couldn’t tell me how the drug would affect you exactly. We have no idea if that death would be traumatizing or not. We both agreed it would be better if the crew were aware of the time frame aspect. Perhaps it might even save your life if someone got you to the Doctor in that moment quickly. They’d be more equipped to do that if they were prepared ahead of time.”

That actually made sense. She stayed quiet like she wanted to let me process. Has she taken to reading psychology journals to better assist her crew? She was so fiercely protective that I was sure not having a qualified therapist disturbed her. It would be just like her to take on as much of that responsibility she could. I looked back at her and saw for the first time the caring person behind that stern uniform.

“You're a strong woman, B’Elanna.” I looked forward to watch where I was going. “You don't want to lean on anyone." From the tone of the Captain's voice, surely she's talking about more than just my commitment issues?

"We're not the same person." The Captain hesitated to answer. I glanced behind me to see what she thought.

"No...I suppose not. But we're in similar situations: both of us are in positions of power we hadn't expected would grow so large."

"I _don't_ need anybody," I retorted.

~REMEMBER OUR AGREEMENT.~ It sounded testy, but I didn’t bother answering.

"And I'm not saying that you do," her reply was quick. "It can't hurt though. I'm sure you realize that." I did. Recalling vividly for a fleeting moment the joy of those Ehlu made me long for something similar. I didn’t know if I cared if that something happened with Tom or not, just that it happened. Someday. I've not admitted that to myself before. "B'Elanna?" The Captain's voice pulled me out of my thoughts. It originated from farther behind me than I'd expected. I turned around to look.

"What?"

"Weaponry's this way." The Captain pointed to the aft facing Jeffrey's tube.

"Right. Sorry, distracted."

"It's alright so long as it doesn't happen when it shouldn't." I spotted the conversation opening, whether intentional or not.

"Is that why you won't move forward with Chakotay?" I caught the surprise on the Captain's face before she covered it like a freshly made bed. I explained quickly how I know Chakotay's smitten to the Captain before she thought I used my skills as Chief Engineer to snoop. "He's my friend. We do talk, just not about Seska."

"He reports to me," the Captain said uncomfortably. I settled myself into the last ladder shaft, moving up.

“You’ve bent protocol before,” I said, implying her decision to tell the crew part of the truth regarding the majy. Huh, she wouldn’t know that’s what it was called either. I won’t tell her. She won’t remember anyway.

“This isn’t the time, Lieutenant.” I looked down at her. She had her Captain mask firmly in place. I frowned. Next time, Chakotay.

~Say, I can’t give you to the Captain can I?~ I took the silence as a no. ~Kidding!~

~MAJY CANNOT MOVE HOSTS.~

~That wasn’t so hard.~

We reached the upper landing and I climbed out to crawl up to the hatch. I entered my authorization code and waited for the accompanying beep. What a bad design that is. A beep could easily alert intruders that they were about to have visitors. Lucky for us, no one was on the other side of the panel when I removed it. In fact, it looked like no one's made it to the armory at all.

~IS THAT USUAL?~ I could sense the sharp edges of anxiety again.

~No, but shh.~

Mostly I was bothered that we actually could have teleported instead of taken the Jeffrey's tubes. We both immediately go for phaser rifles. After checking mine over, I additionally grabbed a hand phaser and look around the room for anything knife-like. I tell myself it wasn’t because I was half-Klingon that I felt naked going into battle without a knife. What a stereotypical notion. Probably true for a full Klingon, but me? I reasoned that a knife might have a better time of breaking the skin of the Rakrear. "Does Starfleet carry knives standard?" I knew the answer was no but had to ask anyway.

"Not standard per se," the Captain shifted over to the security desk, propping the rifle on her left hip, "but we have army knives for cleaning." The Captain tossed me a small, metal capsule. Upon inspection, I saw it has several blades and tools that could be flipped out for use. "Ready?"

I stuck the closed knife into my boot securely and answered when I stood upright, "Ready."

"Alright then," the Captain switched her grip on the phaser rifle to allow it to swing onto her back by the strap, "let's go." I slipped my phaser rifle to my back in the same manner after attaching my phaser to my hip. We re-enter the Jeffrey's tube and I closed it behind us. The two of us quietly and quickly moved toward Engineering. I didn’t know what we will encounter when we get there: how many, how armed, how angry. Better to have the element of surprise. When we got to the entrance of Engineering, I mentally mapped out where we'll emerge while I waited for the Captain to join me. We should come out in the aft section where auxiliary ops was.

The Captain shifted her phaser rifle forward, released the safety, and conveyed her readiness with a silent nod. I opened the hatch, aiming for silence.

~BE CAREFUL.~

~I _am_.~

I gently placed the panel down and to the right enough to squeeze past. Distant voices and the sounds of tools drifted around the corner to us. I shifted my own phaser rifle forward, cleared the safety, and silently stepped out of the Jeffrey's tube. There was no one in my line of sight, but I hadn't expected anyone to be to given where we entered Engineering. The Captain emerged from the Jeffrey’s tube once I stepped forward along the bulkhead. When I felt the Captain's presence behind me, I looked back for an order. The Captain urged me forward silently. I faced front and started moving along the bulkhead. My heart was pumping blood to pounding in my chest and at this point I couldn’t separate my own feelings from the majy's. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end. Whether that was because of the uncharacteristic high-pitched hum of the warp core or my own nerves, I couldn’t tell.

Carey rounded the corner and jumped backwards at the sight of two phaser rifles aimed at his chest. The PADD he'd been carrying clattered on the metal flooring as he raised his hands passively. I quickly lowered my phaser rifle, surprised as well.

"Whoa! I surrender!"

"Where are the aliens?" the Captain asked from behind me. The generic term surprised me a moment before I remembered that only the majy and I knew what they were called.

"Not here, Ma'am. We managed to get rid of them three hours ago." The sharp edges of anxiety lessened and then disappeared altogether from the majy.

"Relax, Lieutenant." Carey lowered his hands. "If they've been taken care of, it's not crunch time." The Captain stepped to my left where she could look around the bend and at the rest of Engineering. When I moved to follow, all I could see were my engineers working diligently over Carey's shoulder. A few had looked up at the commotion, but either upon seeing us armed or simply seeing the Captain, they quickly turned back to their work.

"With those rifles, you coulda fooled me."

"Why didn't anyone let us know it was safe?" I asked as I re-engage my phaser rifle's safety.

"They tore apart communications before they left. We think it was so we couldn't follow them as easily."

"Or they're studying how we'll react," I added morosely.

"That too. We also didn't know where you were. Some of us had to monitor systems. Some of us were on holodecks with new memories." That reminded me of the holoprogram the Doctor was sent to. How did that turn out? "Some of us were bound in Sickbay. Some of us were confined to quarters. They had a lot of experiments to run I—"

"The computer?" The Captain interrupted. She spoke curtly, but I understood what she meant and knew Carey will too. The computer should have been used to contact us even if no one knew where we were.

"Vorik did a number on the ship's systems before you surrendered, Chief," Carey addressed me and then spoke into the air. "Computer, locate the Captain."

"Where can I be happiest when I'm blue?" The computer answered in an even tone. I laughed.

"Riddles?" the Captain asked in her amused tone. Carey nodded.

"Vorik was one of those bound in Sickbay." The Captain's smile faltered. "He's still being treated by the Doctor so we can't get him to undo it."

"I'll take a stab at it." I pulled off my phaser rifle and offered it to the Captain. "Do you mind taking this back?" Weaponry was on one of the routes to the bridge anyway.

"The little one too?" Was it just me, or does the Captain seem disappointed not to be part of a firefight?

"Yeah," I responded as I uncliped the phaser and handed it to the Captain by the handle. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." She returned to normal quickly, "I expect the ship in working order as soon as possible."

"Aye, Captain," I replied to her retreating form.

It felt good to be back in Engineering with a job to do. Carey quickly briefed me on the rest of the downed systems: communications, voice interfaces for a variety of requests, internal scanners, transporters, and the holodecks are locked into the programs currently running. Weapons had been the first system repaired.

We set to work on accessing the Doctor's buried subroutines. I send Carey to speak with him in Sickbay when we were successful. Apparently, he hadn't been able to find anyone still in the Wolf 359 program. Carey reported as such to me with the qualifier that the Doctor said I should know what he means.

~Do the Rakrear have the ability to detect you on me?~

~NO. ONLY THEIR METHODS OF MEMORY REPRESSION PREVENTED ME FROM REACHING YOU.~ I was glad I'd only ended up on the holodeck. I'd go stir crazy in my quarters and just plain crazy trussed up in Sickbay like some prized targ.

I confirmed that there are an appropriate number of people on the remaining systems. Then I set to work on the voice interface with Carey, periodically testing it with location requests for ourselves. It was a vastly complicated algorithm that made me question whether Vorik should only be an Ensign. Maybe he could be Carey’s second if I die. I dismissed the thought. I won’t die and I won’t end up in that tree. The majy had to want something more than that.

~CHANGING THE AGREEMENT IS NOT HONORABLE, KLINGON.~ I winced. It was right. I couldn’t do it.

We haven't gotten much out of communications by lunch. Carey suggested that we go eat. I haven't actually eaten anything all day. We left Nicoletti in charge and took a leisurely stroll to the mess hall.

"So," Carey started, "maybe this is none of my business, but what's going on with you and Tom?" He said it in a bit of a rush like he worried what my reaction will be and needed a head start in case he has to run. I guessed if anyone had reason to worry I’ll punch them, it was Carey. I shook my head.

"There's not a lot to tell. We're moving in a direction. I can't say it's going to help anyone, though." Carey nodded. I wasn’t planning on saying anything more.

"Relationships are hard.” I rolled my eyes. Yeah, I knew that. I didn’t think he saw my reaction. “Olivia and I had a lot of bumps in the beginning." He looked down at me and I faced forward, uncomfortable with the scrutiny.

"Really?" I didn’t actually want to know, I just preferred it to being forced to talk about me, Tom, and death.

"Yeah," from the sound of his voice, I knew he turned to face forward as well. "We met in high school actually, but ended up going separate ways for college. I went to the Academy and she went to an art school in Illinois."

"You were dating all that time?"

"No. We'd decided it best to break things off at the end of our high school senior summer since we'd be going in different directions."

~WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?~ I almost jumped out of my skin at the anticipation I felt from the majy.

~I think you're addicted.~ Still, I couldn’t keep myself from getting a little washed up in the anticipation I felt.

"How did you get back together?" We stepped into the surprisingly empty mess hall. I glanced at the time on the visual display set into the far bulkhead. The lunch period only just started. I never get here this early. It was probably normally empty this early into the period.

"We bumped into each other at a networking event. She'd taken to architecture and I'd always been interested in design so we found ourselves sitting in the same talk." Carey smiled a private smile. I gave him privacy as I turned to the open counter where Neelix was. "She actually sat behind me and got my attention by tapping my shoulder. We reconnected and exchanged numbers again after the talk. I... I didn't want to leave at the end of the event. I was so glad to see her that it had to be love." I chuffed as Neelix happily heaps a pile of mash on my plate. I didn’t want to insult him by saying anything. He seemed happy enough.

We easily found an empty four-seater table and exchanged pleasant chatter while eating. Midway through the meal and the mess hall hadn't filled out much. It didn’t bode well for me. I expected another ship-wide announcement proclaiming most of the ship’s been held hostage until all of us surrender.

"The mess hall isn't usually this empty?" I asked by way of confirmation. Carey scanned the room quickly and frowned.

"No. Not usually." The boding feeling became an uneasy weight which settled in my belly like a stone. Scenarios of half the crew being kidnapped for further experiments invaded my thoughts. I couldn’t tell if they were from me or the majy.

"Computer, locate Harry Kim," I requested the location of the friend I normally eat lunch with.

"Where I see without eyes; where I hear without ears; where I speak without tongue."

"Bridge," Carey translated. "We tested a few of the key locations: Bridge, Sickbay, and Engineering."

~NOW ASK FOR TOM PARIS.~

~I would have anyway.~

"Computer, locate Tom Paris." I knew the computer's response wouldn’t be as helpful as usual, but I didn’t understand it at all.

"I'm where there are always four legs during the day; and six or eight during the night."

"He's not on the bridge," I mused. Where else would a pilot or a medic be? Sickbay maybe, but Carey said Sickbay was one of the key locations they pre-checked. I thought he would translate again if he recognized the response. Carey looked around the mess hall again.

"He's not here either." I looked around to confirm and paused when both I and the majy noted how many legs a table has: four. The majy treated me to a collection of Ehlu couples cuddling or otherwise on furniture, namely, beds and couches which also have four legs. I felt my cheeks warm.

~Quit that.~ The images subsided.

"He's in his quarters." It surprised me given that he'd been a prominent feature of my holodeck time. Could he have started on the holodeck before the Rakrear moved him?

"We unlocked all of them."

~WE NEED TO CHECK ON HIM.~

~I'm going, I'm going.~

"Sure?" I stood and picked up my tray. "So many systems are down, I wouldn't be surprised if the unlocking mechanisms were sticky as well."

"Point taken. We never did a full diagnosis, just worked from a hodgepodge of reported and unavailable, key systems. Things were hectic."

"Do that when you get back. I'll check on Tom." The majy found a buried fantasy I have involving Tom, myself, and his quarters—specifically, the bulkheads. My stomachs filled with butterflies.

~Put that back!~

~YOU HAVE FUN IDEAS. VERY DIFFERENT FROM EHLU'S.~

~I don't care; leave them alone!~ The image faded.

"I will," I remembered to listen to Carey before I got out of hearing range.


	7. Chapter 7

Why was I doing this? How much was my own initiative? How much was the majy's? Everything was too tightly woven to pull at individual strands for investigation. I hesitated at the door, unsure if I should ring the chime or just check if the door was locked.

~GO.~

~Why are you making me do this?~

~I AM NOT MAKING. I AM HELPING.~

~No, why does our agreement have to involve anyone? And what about Tatan's toast: "Live, love, die as one"?~

~STOP STALLING, KLINGON.~

~I'm not doing anything until you answer.~

~PEOPLE WILL BEGIN TO STARE.~ I snarled.

~They already do! Tell me.~ A fierce pang of loneliness broke through from the majy. I stumbled back, startled by the intensity. How was that there the whole time without my noticing? I could hardly see the door ahead of me through the debilitating haze.

~WE NEED OTHERS.~

~I don't understand.~

~THERE IS NO MAJY WITHOUT OTHERS.~

~You need memories to make more majy?~ This was bizarre.

~CORRECT.~ The loneliness subsided and my vision cleared. ~NOW GO.~

I pulled myself from the bulkhead to ring the chime, reluctantly. There's a clatter from the inside. I stepped back, waiting for the door to open.

"Who's there?" His voice sounded like he stood next to the door.

"Me, B'Elanna."

"Oh, thought it was another of those aliens trying to get smart with me. You can come in if you unlock the door. I can't." I took a step to my right and opened the access panel to find that the connections which would have unlocked his door on Carey's command was disconnected or fried. That must be how the Rakrear locked people in their quarters. I made a note to check the other quarters before the end of my shift. After inspecting the available wires and connections, I pried the right wire free by the plastic casing and gingerly attached it to the best open contact. The door slid open abruptly, presenting Tom in grey sweats and wielding a hammer. I eyed it, mildly amused that the skittish majy wasn’t frightened. "Sorry." Tom lowered it and put it on the table next to his door with a clatter. "I had to be sure." An awkward silence descended.

~DO SOMETHING. THIS IS EXCRUCIATING.~

"I unlocked the door," I explained, "but some of the wiring is fried. It will have to stay open until I can spare someone to fix it."

"That's alright." Another long silence. Tom gestured behind him. "Would you like something to eat? I have plenty of credits." I shook my head reflexively. The majy's apparent joy and ability for snooping still lurked in the front of my mind.

"I already ate."

"A drink then?"

~STAY LONGER.~ I chewed the inside of my cheek. ~ARE YOU FRIGHTENED, KLINGON?~

"Alright. Tea." Tom went to his replicator as I stepped into the room. I didn’t know where to go at first. The couch? The table?

~THE BED.~

~No! What is _wrong_ with you!?~

 _I_ decided on the couch and placed myself on one end as far as I could, making sure I seemed obvious about it. After I settled, I asked, "How long have you been in here?"

"A few days." Tom returned with two standard mugs and settled onto the other end of the couch after putting one in my hands. My tea smells like peppermint. I took a tentative sip while Tom talked. "Before that, I was on the holodeck."

"That's where I was too," I replied.

"Which program?" He will think my program was weird! A holographic pregnancy? Him as my husband? What exactly were the Rakrear looking for anyway? Could this be what Tatan meant by primitive species? That they have rudimentary science? It didn’t fit. I had to answer Tom.

"You first." He gave me a questioning look over his mug. I took too long. He won’t answer me now!

"Okay,” he replied. Oh, nevermind. I guess he will answer. “I was first mate on the _Titanic_." At my expression of dismay—it really was just an experiment that someone like him existed in my program—Tom continued with a grimace. "Yeah, not the best simulation," the grimace morphed into a look of pure joy while I watched, "but at least I got to be on the open seas."

"What was wrong with the simulation?" He studied my face.

"I was on the _Titanic_ , B'El," he said that like everything should be made clear. "You know, the 20th century _unsinkable_ passenger line that hit an iceberg and sank? What were you thinking?" I looked away, embarrassed.

~EMBARRASSMENT IS PECULIAR.~

"Nothing."

"Now look who’s avoiding questions." My lips quirked into a sneer. I felt cornered.

"Who says I need to answer them?"

"Okay," Tom held a hand in surrender like Carey had, "you don't need to." Silence stretched out uncomfortably. I sipped my tea, deliberately ignoring the majy's restlessness.

"I was a soldier's wife and ran a house for passing soldiers with the Captain."

"Really? Which war?"

"Not sure." 

~Do you know?~

~I AM NOT FAMILIAR WITH THIS HISTORY.~

I wracked my brain for a solid clue, "The Captain thought it was the Revolutionary War or the French-American War. We had big, clumsy dresses."

"I'm betting Revolutionary War. Half-way houses like what you described were common. What a time. Did you see any battle?" I shook my head with a small smile, glad that we had gotten past the awkward silences for the time being.

"No, the Doctor snapped us out of it before anything interesting happened." I sipped my tea some more. It felt like the perfect temperature: warm enough to soothe, cool enough not to burn.

~ASK IF HE WAS THERE.~

~No.~

~DO IT. I MUST KNOW.~ I mentally rolled my eyes.

"You weren't in the same simulation at all?"

"Not at all. Why?"

"Oh," I hesitated. 

I hissed, ~Now what?~

~TELL THE TRUTH.~

I chided myself for getting tricked by the majy. Stalling, I took another long sip of my tea. The majy encouraged me by sending images it found of Bella and her husband. Compared to everything else, these were tame; sweet even: dinners, reading together, laughing.

~I'll get to it.~

~STOP STALLING THEN.~

"My holocharacter," I said, "Bella, had a husband who looked a lot like you."

~There I said it.~ The majy didn’t respond. I felt it waiting.

"She did? Did you meet him?" I finished my tea, but held on to the mug for the residual warmth.

"No. It was just memories from before he'd joined the war effort." It was a good thing my hands were preoccupied, otherwise I'd have reached for the nonexistent pregnancy bump for comfort like Bella often had. Oddly, I never pictured myself as the mothering type.

~Why did the Rakrear put that programming there?~

~TELL HIM ABOUT THE HOLOGRAPHIC BABY. SEE WHAT HE DOES.~

~I know what you want him to do. No.~

~DO YOU WANT MY HELP OR NOT?~

~Not now.~

~FINE.~ I felt the majy take a step back, but knew it was still observing.

"Good memories? Or _good_ memories?" He quirked his eyebrow. Okay, that was enough. I didn’t dignify the questions with a direct response. Instead, I shoved my mug onto the coffee table as I stood.

"Goodbye, Paris," I fell back on his surname with tangible malice. Then, I saw my way out.

~WHY DID YOU LEAVE?!~

~yltam!~ I sensed hostility, but the majy remained quiet.

At my quick clip, it didn’t take long to reach Engineering. I took a moment to slow down before stepping inside. When I spotted Carey near the aft testing console, I moved to join him.

"Good break?"

"Don't ask me," I snarled. I wished I had snapped more at Paris earlier, but he probably did this on purpose to get a rise out of me. Plus, I didn’t like how easily the majy can step into my thoughts. It pretended not to be listening... Then there was the turbolift. I was ready to tear into him but instead of letting me get angry, Tom tried to kiss me! Now I knew: anger could be just a step shy of passion in the right moment. I didn’t want to go there with the majy hovering around me. I didn’t think I wanted to go there at all at this point.

~DO NOT LIE.~

~For something that doesn't care about honor, you seem to care a lot about whether I lie or not.~

~SOMEONE.~

~What?~

~FOR SOMEONE. I AM SOMEONE.~

~...Sorry.~

The majy didn’t comment for the entire time that Carey and I worked in companionable silence. We worked until an hour after our usual shift end and managed to stop the riddles to the pleasure of half the ship and the displeasure of the other half. Communications were up by the end of shift too. All in all, a good shift. I walked casually to my quarters mulling over the day. I've been somebody's wife, fake pregnant, rescued Tom, and fixed the riddle of the computer. Intership communications were repaired. I... I could call him. The majy didn’t comment.

~You there?~

~JUST BEING QUIET.~

~Oh.~

I thought about it for the walk back, debating with myself. It started to disturb me that most of my spare moments were spent thinking about Tom and what he was up to. When I've reached my quarters, I was still undecided but starting to feel like I was avoiding the call because I was worried about his response.

~BE COURAGEOUS, KLINGON.~ With a fortifying growl, I pounded my combadge.

"Torres to Paris." I tried not to think about how he told me to call him anytime while I waited for him to accept my call. He didn’t. The chime notifying me of his decline didn’t sound real at first. What was he doing that he couldn’t answer? The image I drew up without the majy's assistance made me snarl as he casually kisses one of the Delaney sisters in it. In the image, he didn’t even stop when he declined my call. I toed off my boots at the door and then crossed to my bed, changing aggressively, while reprimanding myself for thinking better of him.

~HE WOULD NOT DO THAT.~

~You don't know Tom Paris!~

The turtleneck got stuck on my chin and elbows. I wrestled it off angrily and growled at it when it hit the bed. It was too early to sleep, but I was in need of the comfort pajamas offer. I pulled them from under the pillow I kept them.

"Paris to Torres."

~ANSWER HIM!~

"Ha!" I picked up my jacket and fumbled for the corner I knew the combadge will be. When I found it, I long held that corner to dismiss the call. "Now he wants to talk?"

~I told you this wouldn't be easy.~

~YOU’RE IDIOTIC.~

I fumbled with my pants button and zipper out of annoyance and slipped them down my hips to step out of. I snatched the pajama pants from the bed and slid them up my legs. Then I reached behind my back to unlatch my bra. The whole while, I was careful not to think too much about what I was doing in light of the snooping majy. I grabbed for the pajama top on my bed at the same time that the door buzzes.

"Wait," I exasperated. To my surprise, the door swished open. "Get out!" I growled, not knowing who was at my door, but having a good idea. Damn. I never checked the unlocking mechanisms on my shift like I'd planned to after freeing Tom. I was too angry to remember to even assign it to anyone. The door swished again, but I didn’t turn to look. Before anything else could go wrong, I shoved my night dress over my head.

I turned around to look behind me now that I was fully dressed. Gratefully, no one was there and I had been mostly dressed when the door opened. I could almost imagine it didn't happen. I detached my combadge from my jacket and scooped everything into my free hand to deposit it into my refresher on my way to the door. Who was at the door? Did I hear anything that gave it away? Thinking back, I hesitate at the door as I set the combadge and lieutenant bar on the table there. I didn’t _actually_ know who'd barged in. I didn’t _actually_ know how much he or she saw, but anything seen by anyone was too much. After another moment's hesitation, I pressed the door open to see one very red Tom Paris.

~OH THAT'S NEAT!~

"I'm so sorry, B'Elanna! The door opened; I thought it was okay to enter." So much for the ship that’s taken good care of me.

"Why are you here?" I crossed my arms. Despite my previous anger, seeing him so flustered now actually entertained me. He was usually so suave. Except for now and back in Engineering when he tried and failed to kiss me. Tom ran a hand through his hair nervously. While I’d seen the behavior before, now it seemed oddly intimate while in my pajamas and knowing that he'd at least seen my back exposed. Oh, my ridges! What if he didn’t like them? Ack, didn’t I not care what he thought?

~THAT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE THE FACE OF SOMEONE WHO DISAPPROVES.~ I looked at him again to find support for the majy's claim. He was blushing profusely, yes. Still, that could be taken any number of ways: innocent surprise even. Ugh. My face felt warm.

~I don't know.~

~TRUST ME.~

"I was busy cleaning. I expected you to pick up my comm. When you didn't, I decided I should stop by and find out what you want." His eyes lingered, moving from my eyes, to my lips and then down my body. My skin warmed more under his gaze. It wasn’t like these pajamas were particularly sexy. They were just a loose dress and soft pants. He shook his head and muttered under his breath what sounded like, "Get it together, Tom." My lips quirked up quickly in amusement before returning to neutral. He looked up. "I'm sorry I didn't answer. What had you called about?"

~What had I called about? I don't remember.~

~ASK HIM TO DINNER.~

I hesitated, "Dinner?" Tom's eyes lit up so suddenly I think I should look for a light switch to explain the phenomenon. It pleased me that I have this affect on him, even as a half—a third?—of me was slightly disgusted by his wide lover-boy's eyes.

"Yes, when?" I found it funny that he agreed before deciding on the time and place. I smiled back, laughing softly.

"I'm hungry now?" I stepped aside in case he agreed. He smiled at me and it threw my stomachs into summersaults.

~I LIKE THIS FEELING!~

~You're distracting me. Be quiet!~

"Here? Now?" I shifted on my feet at Tom's scrutiny.

"Yes. Unless you don't—"

"No, no," he stepped past me. "I more than want to. Sit." I turned around and cocked my head to the side.

"These are _my_ quarters."

"I know. I'm cooking anyway. Or rather—" Tom turned to address my replicator, pressing a few keys before making his request of two bowls of macaroni and cheese. I rolled my eyes, waiting for him to finish his sentence. I knew from experience that he won’t until he was absolutely ready. He turned with the two bowls in hand and grinned at me. "Replicating," he finished his joke.

Tom set the two bowls on the table on opposing sides with a soft clatter. I went to the table when he held a chair out for me. My Klingon mind despised the way he was sweet on me, but the human and majy parts were relishing the attention. Snippets from my conversation with the Captain came to mind: _You don't want to lean on anyone. It can't hurt though. I'm sure you realize that._

"Macaroni and cheese?" I ventured as he took his seat, "Not the most romantic dinner."

"Rom—You meant dinner as in _dinner_ dinner?" There was an unsaid "even after I barged in," that he didn’t have to say to convey to me. I looked down at my bowl.

"Yeah." Stupid! "...If you aren't interested anymore, this can just be regular dinner." I clenched my fists under the table. This was it. I've pushed him away too much already. Aside from the small table, lunch yesterday wasn’t very different than what we normally do. No wonder he didn’t realize this was supposed to be a date. He probably didn’t even think lunch was. Silence settled around us like a thick blanket, suffocating me.

"Computer, dim lights to sixty percent." I looked up at him. My fist relaxed and the suffocating blanket feeling left. "We can still do romantic with macaroni and cheese. Do you have candles?"

"Um, yes. Scented though. They're by my reading chair." I looked over at it and heard his chair scrape softly on the carpet as he got up. He crossed my line of sight on his way to the chair and small table near it.

"Klingon candles?"

"What does it matter?" I sounded defensive. Too late to take that back.

"Just curious." A creeping suspicion I've had since the turbolift rose to the forefront of my mind with a vengeance I couldn’t ignore.

"You aren't just here because I'm half-Klingon are you?" I'd meant to sound brusque but instead it came out sounding vulnerable. Definitely the majy's fault. It reacted differently to my memories and then that bleed into my emotions. It was annoying. Tom turned to look at me with a gentle face.

"Not entirely." He returned with the candles and my matches. Setting the two candles and their holders on the table between us, he lit them one at a time.

"Not entirely?" I echo. Should I kick him out?

~DO NOT DO THAT. WAIT A MOMENT.~

~I wasn't _asking_ you.~

Tom returned the matches to the reading table before he explained, "Well, you are half-Klingon. It's a part of you. I'm here for you." I understood. Any anger I'd been holding to because of his earlier response deflated.

"Oh." Instead of sitting to join me, he returned to the replicator to request cooked mushrooms and something called truffle oil.

~Alright thanks.~

~I’M HERE TO HELP, KLINGON.~

"You're not allergic to anything are you?" I shook my head.

"Klingons— _I_ do not have allergies."

"Must be nice. Me, I'm a sniffling mess whenever the seasons change."

"Good thing we are on _Voyager_ then." Tom, oil, and mushrooms all joined me at the table. He set the mushrooms down before he drizzled oil over my bowl and his own.

"Yeah," he looked at me with a pointed smile, "good thing." I felt my cheeks warm and looked away, hardly believing that he was managing to electrify me over two bowls of _mac and cheese_. He set aside the small, plastic, cup that held the oil. "These mushrooms aren't as good as cooking them in. I wasn't sure if you liked mushrooms to begin with so I took them out."

"I like mushrooms." Tom nodded. I could see him storing that information away for later. He moved his hands over my bowl, bringing them almost close enough to kiss.

~DO IT.~

~No. That's weird.~

I dismissed the intrusive conversation. Tom used one hand to hold the small cup at a slight angle and the other to scrape out about half of the mushrooms into my bowl. He spilled the rest into his.

"Mix it first." Tom picks up the empty oil mini-cup and takes both mini-cups to the replicator. He wipes his hand on the towel hanging below it before returning. Then, he sat down in front of me and picked up his spoon to mix. I did the same with my spoon and started to eat. It was good macaroni and cheese.

"Wow." I took another bite and rolled it around in my mouth to detect the flavors before swallowing. "It's kind of nutty." I laughed. "Actually, it tastes like what," I pointed to the table centerpiece, "I imagine these candles would." He nodded, took his own bite, and sat back in his chair a little to enjoy it.

"You're right. They're similar." I was glad he didn’t find my comment about thinking the food tastes like candles to be weird. I could see him thinking. Tom leaned forward, capturing my gaze in the process. "I won't deny that I'm interested in seeing your Klingon side more by the way," he offered with a quirky grin, picking up a previously dropped strand of the conversation. I choked a little on my next bite and coughed into my arm at the side, feeling too hot.

"You'll probably see it a lot," I commented, hoarsely. It wasn’t meant as a flirt. Actually, I'd been referencing my temper more than anything, but he took it as flirty.

"A lot huh? Should I brush up on my poetry?" I must be redder than a red giant! I could read smutty novels, but I couldn’t handle a little flirting? As I realized, the majy provided a scene I'd imagined from one of my favorite novels.

~Stay out of those!~

~THE EHLU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LIKE THESE.~

I remembered my conversation with Tom, but I felt at a loss for what to say next. I hesitated.

~FLIRT. FLIRTING IS FUN.~

With a _thumping_ heart, I flirted, "...But you know, you don't actually recite poetry except for the wedding night." He looked surprised and this time it was his turn to blush. It covered his cheeks and nose in a bright red. I probably went too far. What was I thinking, talking about marriage? What will he think? He regained most of his normal coloring after a moment.

"I'll keep that in mind," he caught my gaze. I felt helpless in it. "For later." We’re deadlocked until I managed to look away first, suddenly finding my spoon and food very interesting.


	8. Chapter 8

~YOU SHOULD HAVE KISSED HIM.~

~It's not that easy.~

I heard Tom resume eating, but didn’t look up. How could I when he'd practically proposed? Silence charged with electricity descended. I felt antsy, like I needed to go for a kilometer long run.

"Did you like being on the _Titanic_?" His spoon dropped with a clatter. I looked up with surprise and concern, relieved to see that he'd just wanted to use his hands to talk. His eyes seemed as animated as his hands.

"Oh, B'El, it was beautiful! A little chilly, so I don't think you'd like it; not without warm clothes first.” Before I could stop it, the corners of my mouth upturn into a smile at his knowledge. It was ridiculous. He knew all this because he trained with the Doctor. It wasn’t like he had to go out of his way to learn it. “The water was so dark and clear. All the icebergs were such a crisp, translucent white. Then the _stars_ —you could see so many stars. They were different, being from long ago, but they were still Earth-centric." He quieted, hands growing less animated as they settled on the table. It struck me. How many people didn’t expect to see Earth again? I didn’t. I also didn’t care much either way. Sure, I'd like to get back to help the Maquis secure a victory. But Tom might have people he wanted to see again: family, friends, ...a girlfriend?

"Who's on Earth for you?" I risked the question, hoping it didn’t shut him down. He did that about his past when Harry quizzed the both of us on what we did before coming to the Delta Quadrant.

"I miss my sisters and my mom. They're good company; better people."

"But not your dad?" Tom shook his head. He tended to avoid that topic.

"He's a Starfleet admiral, remember? He has better things to do than worry about his delinquent son. You?" What did it mean that I was glad he didn’t mention a girlfriend?

~IT MEANS YOU LIKE HIM,~ came the majy's witty response.

~As if I didn’t know that.~ Okay, actually, I hadn’t thought I liked him enough to care about whether he had a girlfriend. I had fantasies about him, but I was sure half the women on board did! He had a mysterious, troubled air about him that he liked to obscure with blatant flirting. It’d be impossible not to imagine what he might be like.

"No one in particular,” I said, returning to the conversation before the majy saw it fit to snoop. “I'd like to get back to the Maquis though." Tom’s face contorted into a puzzled expression as he picked up his spoon to resume eating.

"The Captain would have to arrest you if she heard that when we returned to the Alpha Quadrant."

"I don't plan on telling her. Will you?" My tone settled on mildly threatening for the question.

"No. But...is that what you really want? Another play at rebel fighter on the losing team?" I stiffened at that. Yes, the Maquis were rag-tag. Yes, we hadn't been doing so well when the Caretaker plunged the _Val Jean_ into the Delta Quadrant. Yes, the Captain, for all purposes, had captured us. I grunted.

"What else would I do?" Tom hesitated to answer.

"...You could go back to the Academy? Anyone would be lucky to have an engineer like you on board."

"I'm sure they would, but the Academy didn't work the first time." Bitter memories I'd locked away of loneliness and hostility washed over me. I sensed the majy pouring over them with interest. Hmm, there was an idea. Could I distract the majy so Tom and I could have privacy? No answer from the majy; that seemed promising.

"It'd be different this time."

"How so?"

"I would— If you want maybe— You wouldn't have to do it alone," he finally settled on a response. From the set of his body, I knew it'd been an unnerving thing for him to offer. "I could work and support you while you—"

"No."

"No?"

"I don't want you to have that weight on your shoulders if we get back to the Alpha Quadrant."

"If we get to the Alpha Quadrant, I'd be happy to help you." His spoon scraped around the bowl lightly to grab the last of his food. I didn’t know where that offer came from. It seemed a little big to be offered in exchange for a night or two of passion. I wondered at the dreams he'd avoided talking about. "Maybe this is forward and you don't want to hear it, but I need to say it." He caught my gaze and held it. "I like you a lot, B'Elanna." I looked down, embarrassed. "The more I learn about you, the more I like you. I'm still not sure if it's a just friends feeling, but I would like the opportunity to find out." I looked up tentatively and smiled. He knew as far as I'll die if things didn’t work out soon enough. He didn’t know he'll forget about all this if I'm successful. It seemed wrong somehow. Unfair.

"I guess I'm glad to hear that. I thought I'd pushed you away too much, or, err, turned you off somehow." My hands threatened to shake when I pushed the candles aside to slide my hands between the holders and across the table. Will he take them? Anything could disrupt our gentle ease: too quick a movement even. The majy seemed to sense it too, or else it was still occupied. Either way, it stayed blessedly quiet. Tom slid his hands under mine to hold them. I turned them over so our palms touched and looked down. His thumbs ran soft, small circles over the backs of my hands.

"I'm going to kiss you." I looked up, surprised. It wasn’t even a question. It was a statement!

"You’re going to—" His closeness stopped my question and I felt myself drawn towards him over the last centimeter. He squeezed my hands as he ran his tongue over the crease of my lips. I parted them, feeling eager and apprehensive. He tasted like macaroni and cheese. Romantic after all. Who knew? His hands ran up my arms as far as he could reach from his side of the table, trailing goosebumps to my elbows under the long sleeves.

The smell of him permeated the hot air. That mixed with the wood and honey scent from the candles could be enough to undo me if I wasn't still hyper aware of the majy's presence and anxious to temper my response because of that. I could feel both the heat of Tom and the heat of the candles on either side of us. The heat radiating through my thin pajama top from his hands felt enticing, but I knew that I wasn’t ready for anything further than this tentative exploration.

Days, months, or years could have passed. The universe could have been born anew during our kiss and I'd not know. I hoped with a twinge of self-doubt that Tom felt the same. I parted us slowly, pulling back first my tongue, then my lips while marveling at the feel of the changing pressure. I pecked his lips a few times softly before leaning far enough to look at him. His eyes were clear and deep, conveying the question of "why stop there?" I cupped Tom's jaw with my right hand, touched by the way he leaned into it so minutely that he probably wasn’t doing it intentionally.

Me. He was really here for me. A sigh of amazement proceeded past my lips. I regreted it immediately because if he tasted like macaroni and cheese, I _definitely_ smelled like it. I pulled my hand back from his jaw to cover my mouth, embarrassed.

"Will you kiss me like that every time I make you macaroni and cheese?" He didn’t seem to mind my breath at least.

"Not sure.” I lowered my hand and smirked. “That was good macaroni and cheese. Think you can make something that good all the time?"

"Of course; it's a recipe from home. I have it memorized." I formed the image of the Paris family, minus father, laughing around a large bowl of fresh macaroni and cheese: home-cooked, not replicated.

"Did you ever learn to cook it?"

"How'd you know we cooked it?" I smiled at my fleeting mental image, but teased him instead.

"I didn't until now." He laughed as he picked up my bowl and his own.

"Nice one, B'El." I felt a little out of place with him taking care of everything. After blowing out the candles one at a time, I stood to take them to their usual home just to have something productive to do. What kind of nickname is “B’El”? Never had I gotten a nickname that wasn't meant to hurt me.

"Why do you call me B'El?" His steps falter momentarily before they find their long rhythm again.

"Do you like it?" He asked when he reached the replicator to return the bowls. He sounded unsure. I had to think about my answer as I took a seat on the couch.

I didn’t sequester myself to the corner this time because I wasn’t worried about touching him. A part of me wanted to cuddle even as another part wanted nothing to do with such a display of vulnerability. I convinced myself it wasn’t being so vulnerable: before Seska started dating Chakotay, the two of us curled up on the pillows to read and have company. It was friendly. I could do friendly with my friends.

~IN MAJY EXPERIENCE, FRIENDS DO NOT KISS EACH OTHER LIKE THAT.~

~I was hoping I'd lost you.~

~NO, I WAS STAYING QUIET.~

~...But you were watching?~

~YES.~

I dismissed the uneasy feeling to focus on Tom, "Now I do. I guess I was wondering where it came from." He smirked as he came to join me. Happily—and I couldn’t tell if it was the majy coloring that or just myself—I shifted to lean against his chest where my head could rise and fall with his breathing. His arms wrapped around me gently.

~OH! HE IS WARM.~

I ignored the majy to listen to Tom speak, "Did you ever get around to taking language history at the Academy?" I shook my head against his chest. He launched into a lecture, "Way back, a lot of nouns we have used to include verb forms. The verb form of 'bell' was 'to bell.' The phrase 'to bell' came from ' _bellan_ ' in old English. The word ' _bellan_ ' meant to roar or to make a loud noise. It suits you, B'El." My lip twitched into a one-sided smirk.

"I didn't think you thought that hard about it," I paused, debating if I wanted to say the next thing, "or about anything for that matter." I was glad I didn't censor myself when his arms squeezed tighter and he laughed a full belly laugh. The laugh jostled my head around some, but I didn’t mind since all I have to do was lift it a little.

"Maybe I should have used something snarkier because you're just as much that as you are loud."

"If you don't like my attitude you can always go," I tried to joke. It struck a chord somewhere and I felt my body tense before I forced myself to relax.

"Nah, I think I'm good," he didn’t miss a beat in his answer. Was it possible that he hadn’t noticed my body language? "You tensed. Everything alright?" _Why yes of course. I have a brain parasite _helping_ me get with you because I can’t get out of my own way and, you know, I haven't even told the Doctor about anything yet._

"Just a bad memory is all," I said, shaking the thought off.

"Want to talk about it?" His hand on my back traced soothing circles.

I deflected with something that I know he’ll never agree to talking about, "I thought we decided we wouldn't have to talk about our families with each other when Harry wasn’t making us." He didn’t answer right away. Success.

"My dad has always been into Starfleet." I looked up at him in surprise, but returned my head to the fleshy part of his chest. "His dad had been. His granddad was too. And he's proud to say that his great granddad had been Starfleet through and through as well." Tom sighed. "I don't think he cared where I landed as long as it was professional, respectful, and most of all Starfleet. He had me try just about everything before I was ten: battle scenarios, medical simulations, command puzzles. Flying." Tom lifted his right hand from my arm to lay out the scene in front of us.

"He started us off flying low over the gold-brown fields. Wheat grazed the bottom of the shuttlecraft and I pressed my face up to the window to watch the wind we created push them down." He mimicked the waves of grain or the motion of flying with his lower arm, undulating it up and down fluidly at all the places he could bend easily. From his low position, he raised his hand slowly to level out at a higher elevation: about level with his shoulder.

"Then he took us higher and had me watch the controls as he explained what each of them did. I was so nervous because I recognized this tone of voice. He was going to have me try. I'm already a disappointment at this point most of the time to him; surely, I'd crash when he handed the controls to me. If he had anything to say about it then my epitaph would read: the boy who couldn’t get anything right. Anyway, he puts us on autopilot long enough to switch," Tom wobbled his hand precariously and let it loose altitude, "and B'Elanna," I knew he turned to look at me from the sound of his voice so I tilted my head to look at him, "all eight years of my life flashed before my eyes." He looked back to his hand seriously and I followed his gaze. His hand started a wobbly nosedive.

"We're going down so fast. I can't control us. Dad isn't helping. Eight year old me thinks he takes his last breath and then it clicks." His hand froze in imitation of the frozen time. "I see the steps I need stretch out sequentially like, like lines of music. I can read them perfectly." He leveled out his hand near his thigh and then weaved it playfully back and forth. "I'm flying. Actually flying." I could imagine the golden-brown wheat stalks being pushed and rebounding under the spontaneous flight path. He brought his right hand—the shuttlecraft—back to my arm in an imitation of a belly dock, complete with docking clamps. I laughed. He laughed too.

"When I got older, I did my research and found only one Paris pilot so I kept my dream a secret for years. I didn't think he'd be happy with my decision to pursue piloting. Then one of his colleagues, an Academy professor, complimented me on my flying skills to him."

"Was he upset?"

"Honestly? I don't know. He didn't have much of an expression. He kept his Admiral Paris mask the entire time. I don't understand why he did that. It wasn't business: why did he need to wear it?"

"You do that too you know," I said quietly. "Use a mask when you don't need to." Tom sighed.

"I know. I'm stubborn." I snorted at the understatement.

~KISS HIM AGAIN.~

~Not with you hovering.~ I fell quiet. This would be a good time to tell him.

"Tom?" I didn’t think I could look at him, so I stayed put.

"Hmm?"

"I have something to say, and it's going to sound crazy, but you need to hear it."

"Okay, B'Elanna," he sounded more serious somehow.

"Remember my away mission?"

"Yeah, the one you wouldn't pick me for." I ignored his comment.

"The Ehlu have a custom to make traders drink something called majy. I couldn't let everyone drink it because Samantha said—"

"B'Elanna, I know that already. It was in the Doctor's report." I didn't know his training included reading the Doctor's reports. "What do you need to tell me?" I chewed my lower lip.

~TELL HIM ALREADY. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE DOES.~

"It isn't like a drug like the Doctor said, it's like a living creature." I hesitated. "It wants to know what you'd do once I told you." Tom didn’t say anything, but I took it as a good sign that his hand continued the circles on my back. Still, the lack of response made me uncomfortable. " _Say_ something, Tom."

"How long have you been aware of it?"

"Um, since yesterday. I don't think it was mature enough for me to notice before then."

"Did you tell the Doctor?" I shook my head.

"No."

"You don't want to?"

"I don't want to."

"Will it still kill you?"

"We have an agreement."

"Can you tell me?"

~TELL HIM.~

"Um, please don't take this the wrong way, Tom." I closed my eyes as I continued nervously. "The agreement is the majy helps me...test run falling in love with you. In return, it won't kill me when it dies."

"That's... That sounds like a pretty favorable agreement for you," he ventured. It didn’t sound like he believed it himself.

I couldn’t help myself from explaining all the things wrong with the agreement in a rush. "Did I forget to mention the majy is hanging around all the time? Or that it'll send the memories to this big collection of memories that any other majy and host can see? Or that we're supposed...to do a few things." I sounded like a prude. I _really_ didn’t feel comfortable with the majy hanging around.

"B'Elanna," Tom answered quickly. "We don't need to have sex tonight." His blunt statement surprised me. I leaned away from his chest and then scooted until there was a healthy space between us. He released his hold on me when I moved away. "Do you want me to leave?" He sounded hurt.

"No. I just—" I knew he liked me. I needed clarity, "What do you want from me?" He studied me. He was very good at reading people. Harry, Tom, and I had plenty of fun with that super power of his. He could turn it on his friends just as easily as he used it on our coworkers.

"Just you and your company. It doesn't matter what we do."

"But what do you want to do?"

"It doesn't matter what I want to do. This whole thing is affecting your life the most. Let's do what you want to do." I studied his expression. It affected him too, and I haven't even told him he'll forget about all of this! Him forgetting was only reason I felt safe telling him. "I'm happy to just stay here," he finally said.

"Okay," I replied. I let myself lean against Tom again. He didn’t comment. I listened to his rhythmic breathing and felt the gentle circles Tom traced on my back. Without consciously deciding to, I drifted asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

_The majy saw the open duffle bag on her bed through her eyes while keeping an appropriate distance. The zippers dangled at the sides. It was half full of clothing. Together, they saw B'Elanna's Maquis leathers, a sundress, flip flops, and a spare Starfleet uniform in gold and another in red. She didn’t find the two uniforms surprising because she knew who she was meeting at the vacation spot. They were going to the planet together for a few days before everyone else arrived: a special treat that was long overdue. He asked her to bring the spare uniform because he will probably forget his._

_She drifted through her room to decide on what else she needed for the trip. She spotted the data PADDs on her coffee table and retrieved them for her bag after reviewing their contents. Three of them contain her engineering equations. The last was a library PADD. She stowed them in the side pocket for in case she had time. Then there were the candles. The majy remembered the candles. They burned warmly. It didn’t want anything to happen to those candles. B'Elanna picked them up and laid them in her bag, appreciating how well they fit lengthwise in the open duffle._

_When she was ready, she went to the transporter room. She still had to find the hotel room and eat dinner. They planned to meet for a swim first thing since their schedules were so different that having a meal together was out of the question. B'Elanna nodded to the officer on duty at the transporter as she stepped into the room. She didn’t recognize her, but it wasn’t her job to. Transporter officers were normally part of ops, not engineering. B'Elanna stepped onto the platform and double checked that her bag didn’t stray outside of her transporter ring. She watched the far wall as the ensign began the transport._

_In the next moment, B'Elanna stood in the large open space of the hotel's transporter lobby. It smelled like salt and the ocean. She spotted the concierge who smiled kindly at her._

_"Are you here for the laboratory?" B'Elanna nodded as the scene around her changed, surprising the majy. It kept careful reign on its emotions though, worried that its own intrusion was the cause for the dream change. B'Elanna was in a white lab coat. Her duffle had morphed into a suitcase earlier, but it was no different for her. As far as she was concerned, this was the way of the world._

_"Yes, under the name of Tatan." The concierge—and it was still a hotel concierge with rows and rows of keys behind him—typed into his console long enough for them both to grow discouraged. The majy opened a crack in the wall to nudge the image of the concierge favorably. If B'Elanna noticed the change in its presence, she didn’t show it._

_"Ah, yes, we've been expecting you." The concierge smiled before retreating along the counter for a set of keys. He slipped them to her across the table when he returned. "There you are. Go upstairs and down the hall to the left. Your room will be there. The equipment should all be there. If you need anything more, let us know."_

_"Thank you." B'Elanna turned around. She located the stairs with her eyes, and then climbed them to a pristine landing. She took the long walk down the hall to the correct door. Her keycard opened the door with a _click_. The room was large and state of the art. White walls gave the impression of infinite space that made B'Elanna feel a little dizzy. She looked away from the walls to gaze at the central large table._

_B'Elanna stepped inside, depositing the keycard on a low, shiny table nearby. With slow steps, she paced the room until she circled in on the place she wanted to be: a large table with various liquids in rounded beakers. The suitcase went to a clear area on the table like it was always meant to sit there. Opening it, she peered inside. She plucked her tricorder from the neat foam casing, closed the suitcase, and then ran the tricorder over the liquids one at a time._

_"You won't learn anything by that." Tatan's voice made her jump and nearly drop the tricorder into the largest of the beakers._

_"Then how am I _supposed_ to learn from them?"_

_"You let them guide you." B'Elanna shook her head._

_"Guide me?"_

_"Yes." Tatan sighed when he saw her exasperated expression. "Live, love, die as one." He just vanished before her eyes—no transporter beam out, just a little pop sound and it was like he exploded into a billion little pieces of nothing. The majy retreated. It had wished Tatan would leave. That was a mistake. The sheer absurdity made B'Elanna realize she's dreaming._

Thinking about how I was dreaming pulled me out of the dream entirely. I woke up, still curled against Tom. I felt sore. While carefully pulling back to stretch a little, I heard and felt crackles from the effort. My neck popped when I rolled it. I rolled it again to get all the stiffness out.

Only then did I allow myself to stare at Tom. He mumbled something softly in his sleep. I smiled at his relaxed form. He'd slipped down on the couch in his slumber.

It had to be the cause for my cramped state as my head and shoulders probably slipped down along with him. He was breathing evenly, but every so often his mouth, nose, or eyes twitched like he was trying to say or see something. I leaned against the back of the couch with my elbow resting on it where my hand could support my head. With my free hand, I brushed a few strands of hair from his forehead. His breathing lost its rhythm. I didn’t mean to wake him up.

"Ooooh. Shit." Tom arched his back to press away from the couch as he sat up higher. His hands moved to his neck next, massaging at the back. I could see where his fingers caused the skin to redden. "I need to get back to my bed," he groaned as he stood up. Someone will see him leave. What time was it? It was probably late. There was no way it was reasonable for him to be leaving my quarters after _just_ a dinner. People must talk already. I won't stand for more of it even if I had yet to hear anything directly. Tom's motion toward the door pulled me out of my mind.

"Wait, Tom. You can't leave yet."

~YES, HAVE HIM STAY.~ The majy brought out the fantasy of Tom pinning me to the bulkhead in his quarters. My breath came out in a rush at the suddenness. Tom turned around, his eyes transitioning from confusion to hot desire in the space of a few seconds.

"And why's that?" Tom sauntered over to me. I wondered if what the majy showed me changed my expression without my noticing. I reigned in anything that he might take as flirty. He stopped within thirty centimeters of me: on the edge of my personal space.

~Put that away.~ The image faded, but my heart didn’t beat any slower.

"Computer, the hour?" I asked, apprehensive.

"The hour is oh-three hundred."

"Oh, I see. You don't want people wondering why I'm leaving your quarters. Let them talk," he said huskily. He made a move to grab my waist, but I saw it coming and sidestepped to where I could hold my hands defensively in front of me.

"I'd rather not give them a reason to, Tom. What happened to not needing to have sex tonight?"

"Sorry," he replied soberly, "I thought you wanted—" When I shook my head he stopped talking.

"Transporters will still be out." I caught my lower lip between my teeth, disappointed with my options. I couldn’t make him crawl back through the Jeffrey’s tubes, could I? "You'll just have to stay here."

"A sleepover?"

"That sounds childish, but yes. We'll have a sleepover."

~THE BED.~ I guarded myself from the majy's visual assault of Tom and I sprawled naked on the bed. I turned away from Tom.

"You can sleep on the couch," I said firmly, trying hard to keep my voice even. He needed to know that this wasn’t any sort of invitation in case I lost my resolve from the images marching past.

"What? The couch? I'd rather crawl through the Jeffrey's tubes than sleep on the couch. It's so _tiny_." He gestured to the couch in question like I didn’t already know.

"You're welcome to," I called over my shoulder as I headed for my bed. The soft sheets and pliable mattress called to me after sleeping on Tom and the couch. He grumbled something I couldn’t understand. I spoke over him apologetically, "It's really hard having the extra voice in my head, Tom." He stopped his grumbling. I could see him thinking.

"Can I get a blanket?" he asked calmly. My shoulders relaxed.

"Use the one on the back of the couch."

"Where, I don't see— Oh, found it." I heard the flutter of the blanket as he picked it up from what must be the floor. Then, I slipped under my blanket, sitting up because I wanted to see Tom figure out how to fit on my couch. Tom put the blanket on the couch back and then started undressing. I should look away.

~DO NOT LOOK AWAY.~ I felt my face warm but did as the majy said. Life or death right?

Tom wasn’t facing me directly so I had a good view of his back, right shoulder, and some of his profile as he stripped out of his tunic. Wandering eyes crawled over his skin in the semi-darkness. He was a little toned, but more than I'd expected. Huh, I'd never seen him without a shirt before—not even on the holodeck. Tom draped the tunic over the back of the couch next to the blanket. He slipped out of his pants leisurely, drawing my eyes to his hands as they slid the fabric down, first revealing regulation grey boxers and then fuzzy thighs.

"Your parents must have been a 'look with your eyes not with your hands' type," he said. My eyes snapped up. When I saw him watching me, I had to look beyond him and his cocky grin. "So were mine, but I never listen do I?" I heard my breathing quicken. The majy was watching with interest, but not attempting to distract me. Yet.

"Tom, please." It was a bit unfair to demand more from him than from myself but it wasn’t like I had a real choice in the matter. The majy was pretty persuasive.

After a minute I saw from the corner of my vision that he raised his hands in surrender and he even looked away, saying, "Alright, I concede." Tom walked around the couch to lay on it. His head rested on the headrest; I could see his hair peeking out from the corner. His legs dangled off the edge of the couch at just above his knees. The blanket disappeared from view when he pulled it onto himself.

"Lights to five percent."

"Scared of the dark?" He teased. I shook my head as I settled back into the bed. Having a little light makes this feel less intimate. It would be easier to focus on sleeping.

"Goodnight, Tom."

After a minute he said, "Goodnight, B'Elanna. Sweet dreams."

It seemed like I've only just drifted to sleep when someone shook my shoulder gently.

"B'Elanna?" Tom whispered.

"Red alert?" I mumbled back groggily. "I don't hear alarms." I was too tired for a red alert.

"No. I can't sleep, B'Elanna." I laughed into my blanket.

"What are you, five?"

"Seriously B'El. Don't you think there'll be rumors if I go on shift tomorrow walking funny?" I considered his words. My sleep-fogged brain barely cooperates. Oh. He's asking to sleep in my bed. I slipped the blanket down my chin to better communicate. I was glad for the darkness. His eyes weren’t so captivating in this light. Still, the majy's visual suggestion to pull him down to me set the tone for the conversation.

"Tom, I don't—"

"I won't do anything and I won't let you either. Promise." He had a point, right? I didn’t want to hear whispered conversations all day that questioned just how Klingon I got with Tom. I found myself glad that he understood.

"Fine." I rolled over to face where he needed to get into the bed; I didn’t want to encourage cuddling. The bed creaked softly when I turned, reminding me how domestic letting him sleep in my bed was. "Stay on your side," I added.

"You reserved it for me?" I glared. I didn’t think he could see me in the low light, but he must sense it. He laughed. "Kidding!"

"Just go to sleep." Tom slipped under the other side of the covers as I watched the shadows. I waited. When he didn’t move towards me, I rolled back to my other side where it was more comfortable and already warm. An involuntary hum escaped my lips as I drifted back toward sleep.

An unexpected pressure on my waist made me jerk awake like when I get those dreams about falling. What was that? It took me a moment to place the new weight as Tom's arm.

~LEAVE IT.~

Unheeding the advice, I tried to pull away from it, but Tom tightened his grip around me, throwing a leg over my ankles in a lazy motion. I froze.

"Don't go yet, B'El..." His voice was quiet and sleepy. It surprised me that he was dreaming about cuddling with me and not sex. Even Max dreamed about sex the first time we shared a bed. I waited for the majy to jump on that thought. When it didn’t, I relaxed and drifted asleep again.


	10. Chapter 10

The _beep, beep, beep_ of my alarm woke me up. I grumbled as I rolled over. At first I wasn’t surprised to be in my bed alone. Then I remembered the events of last night. I sat up and peered at the couch, wondering if I imagined Tom crawling into bed with me.

"Computer, reset alarm by 24 hours," I said to stop the beeping. I didn’t see Tom's legs on the couch. I pivoted to land my feet on the floor, wiggling my toes once they touch down to warm them. When I got up, I scanned the room for signs of Tom. His clothes were no longer on the back of the couch. Though...they could be under the blanket. I lifted the blanket's edge at the side I recalled him putting his clothes. When I didn’t see anything, I lifted the rest of the blanket. Upon seeing an empty back, I dropped the blanket back on the couch. Did I do something wrong?

I shok the notion away as I putted around the cabin for my uniform, retrieving my combadge and my bar by the door last, before taking the bundle to the side of my bed. I placed the clothes on Tom's side out of habit and couldn’t resist touching the space where his body lay. It was cold already. I frowned.

~Do you know when he left?~

~NO.~

It didn’t take me long to dress. I feel lighter somehow. In a moment of vanity, I stood in front of my bathroom mirror. I leaned forward to peer at the angles of my face in the mirror. They looked sharper and my eyes looked a little sunken. It wasn’t noticeable without me looking closely. As I leaned back to take in my form, I pinched the sides of my uniform with both hands. It felt to me that I was grabbing more fabric than usual.

~Is this normal?~

~YES, WHEN THE HOST IS RELUCTANT TO FULFILL A MAJY AGREEMENT.~

~Reluctant? I’m doing my best.~

I grumbled for the majy’s lack of response as I went back to the main area. When I slipped on my boots, I drew out my right foot. There was something in the boot. I stooped to pick out the knife and put it on the table near the door. I looked at it a moment, remembering the events that led it into my possession. Funny, how that worked.

Tom was sitting at a table near the middle of the mess hall when I walked in. I ignored him until I had my breakfast. When I got to his table, he looked up.

"Good morning." His lips curled into a smile from the perch on his hand, elevated by his elbow. He settled his mug on the table in front of him. "Sleep well?"

"Yes," I replied as I slipped into the booth. He didn't write me off. He might not be mad at me.

"I'm glad."

"Did you?" I asked.

"I did."

"When did you leave?" I asked quietly as I started eating my breakfast: eggs.

"About thirty minutes before your set alarm. I figured leaving your quarters while everyone is going to and from shifts wouldn't make you very happy." That was nice that he took the time and care to wake up early.

"No, it wouldn't have." I smiled. "Thank you, Tom, for thinking of me."

"Any time." We fell silent but I felt comfortable in his company. I caught him watching me a few times and he caught me do the same. It was like a bizarre game. I didn’t know who’s winning.

"Dinner? Tonight? My quarters?" Rather than sounding flirty like he had when inviting me in my office all those times, he sounded unsure and cautious. I contemplated it over a bite of Delta Quadrant cantaloupe. I looked over the top of my fork, poked the fruit into my mouth, and took my time chewing. I could see him growing more anxious as time passes.

~SAY YES.~ The majy almost sounded worried.

~I will. In a minute.~

I swallowed the fruit before I speak, "Depends. What are you making?" He smirked since he probably knew as well as I did that this was a yes.

"We can always do Macaroni and Cheese ala Paris again?" I smiled. Did he mean he wanted another kiss too?

"That was pretty good, but I’m sure you've got better recipes than that." I poked my empty fork at him over the table before I used it to take another bite. Was this flirting still?

"My sister's desert cake," he leaned forward a little to whisper, "which I have the secret recipe of, won a state competition."

I finished my bite and said, "Ooo, dessert cake? What kind?"

"Your favorite as far as I know," he grinned as he leaned back to normal and took a sip of his drink. He must have eaten before me because his plate was nowhere to be seen. There were two answers to that which I could think of. One of which I was sure the majy would have a field day with.

"Chocolate?" I offered the innocent option.

"Yup," he popped the 'p' for fun I figured. I smiled.

"That sounds—"

"Carey to Torres." I tapped my combadge. "Plan on coming down today, Chief, or did your shift change?"

"No, no, I'm still on shift today." Had I really eaten for longer than usual? Looking down at my plate revealed it was empty except for one last bite of egg. I shovelled it down and stood. "I'll be over in a moment. Torres out." I didn’t even think about how I'd left Tom hanging until I was out the doors of the mess hall, sans food tray.

~YOU FORGOT TO ANSWER TOM.~

~Oh! I did. He'll be back though.~

Tom commed me about having dinner. I agreed quickly so I could get back to work. I was so close on the equations that I could practically taste the victory. Vorik was on duty again and he'd been overenthusiastic (for a Vulcan) about fixing everything he'd disabled. That left me plenty of time to play with variables and coefficients. I still had to read his reports on the now functioning systems. Instead of digesting the dull reading material, I worked on my equations, promising to read Vorik's report in an hour assuming no one needed my presence then. My door buzzed.

"Enter," I sighed as I put down my PADD and look up. Tom entered with a smile.

"Ah, I thought you'd be working."

"Then why'd you stop by?" I go back to my calculations, picking up the PADD I'd just set down. On my right, I typed out a few variables that I needed to check and double check from one of the other equations to remind myself later.

"You've got to eat, B'Elanna." I didn’t take my eyes from the PADD in front of me.

"I know, Tom. But, is it even worth it?" It wasn’t like he'll remember anything. I glanced up at him. "What do you even expect out of all of this, hmm?" He shifted nervously.

~DO NOT FORGET OUR AGREEMENT.~ I did my own mental shift away from the majy.

~I remember.~ I didn’t need a reminder.

"You want to give up?" he finally asked as he walked to my replicator. My face scrunched in distaste.

"No. I'm just trying to be realistic. To fall in love in a month, Tom?" I scoffed, glad that my door closed behind Tom. I wouldn't want my inner struggle broadcast to the whole ship even if they were going to forget. I certainly didn’t want my private life available for anyone like a library PADD. "I've spent more time on less inconsequential decisions in my life." He paused. I heard my replicator _whirr_ in the silence.

"So love is inconsequential?" He sounded hurt. I actually didn’t mean to upset him this time. I was just not happy about the situation. I didn’t want my memories out there like that. I didn’t want to keep the majy around. I didn’t want it to kill me over this.

"It's not inconsequential." My voice sounded small. "That's the reason this is so difficult."

~GOOD. TRUTHS ARE GOOD.~

"So you've never been in love?" I looked away from my PADD to think about it. I didn’t look up, just focused on the table beyond the top of my PADD. There'd been Max, of course. That could have been love. I certainly felt close to him. Then Chakotay, but that was more of a crush—unrequited at that. It died when I'd seen how smitten he was with the Captain. For the better too, it was so much easier being his friend now that I didn’t have to worry about how my actions came across or if I was reading his correctly.

"I have," I conclude. "That's the thing, love's not permanent. People grow apart eventually." I sounded pessimistic. Tom returned to my desk with two plates, each with a sandwich. I looked up at him as he dragged the far seat to be in front of my desk. “What is that?” I asked.

"Comfort food: peanut butter and jelly.” I recalled that Harry said he practically lived on the sandwich when he had a crush on Ballard back at the Academy. “You seem like you need it." I didn’t think it was a romantic meal, but maybe I didn’t know better. Does everything need to be romantic? Is he also giving up? Does he plan to tell me he was done with me? I tossed the thoughts out, realizing that I was catastrophizing and asking questions that couldn’t be answered. I set down my PADD and slid them all to one side. Then, I picked up the sandwich, glad for the opportunity to talk about something else.

"You know, I don’t think I’ve ever had one of these." Tom looked shocked.

"I can understand your mother never making them, but what about your dad? He was human; peanut butter and jelly are part of the human experience." He grinned at his joke? Was it a joke?

"No," I shook my head. "I don't remember much of him to be honest, he pretty much left when I was five. He came back a few times but never for long." The months of crying myself to sleep rushed over me and I had to focus on my breathing and Tom's presence—friendly and familiar—to prevent myself from crying again now.

"Oh." His grin fell. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean...." I smiled weakly over the top of my sandwich. He looked bashful.

"It's alright. You didn't know."

"Well, I had a feeling." I regarded him. "I just didn't know it'd happened when you were so _young_." I nodded solemnly. "Did you ever try to find him?"

"Why?" I said after swallowing a large, squishy bite of peanut butter and jelly.

"To find out why he left," he said. I scoffed.

"I already know why: me. And mom probably too." My nose felt itchy. I scratched it. Tom's expression softened, but I didn’t know why.

"I didn't mean to make you nervous."

"Nervous? I'm not nervous."

"Yes you are; you scratched your nose. You only do that when you're nervous." I looked down at the hand I'd used to scratch myself as if seeing it for the first time.

"I never noticed."

“ _Captain to Torres._ ” I tapped my combadge to accept the call.

“Torres here,” I responded quickly. Tom watched on, slowly eating his sandwich.

“ _I need an engineer for an away mission. There’s an abandoned junkyard nearby giving off dilithium readings._ ” The shift had been quiet so far. I only scheduled a few maintenance rounds for today. I didn’t need to be around for maintenance and investigating a junkyard sounded more entertaining. Plus, I’d love more dilithium for _Voyager_.

“I’ll go. When do you need me?”

“ _Whenever you’re ready, report to Shuttle Bay Two. Janeway out._ ” The open link closed. I picked up my sandwich to finish it quickly.

“You going to take me with you this time?” Tom asked before I had time to take another bite.

“She probably picked a pilot already.” I took a bite then.

“She does; Pablo Baytart is on away mission rotation, but I’m Chief Helmsman.”

“I don’t need you to babysit me.” He set his food down and gave me a judgmental look.

“Right. The last time you went on an away mission you got into this mess.”

“Mess? I’m surprised you aren’t _happier_ about this.”

“Happier? B’Elanna. You. Will. _Die_ if you don’t do what this parasite wants.” I stood up abruptly, sandwich forgotten.

“What the majy wants, right? I didn’t forget last night. All _you_ want is sex.”

“That’s not true! I don’t—” he lowered his volume. “I don’t want to lose you. Hell, even after your ‘trial run’, if all you want to be is friends I—I won’t stop you.” He pushed his plate forward. So much for comfort food. Neither of us seemed to have the stomach to eat it. “I’m coming with you.”

~BRING HIM WITH US.~

“Ha! It’s a junkyard. _Abandoned._ I’m not going to get into any trouble.”

“We’ve been surprised by hidden ships before.” I glowered. He tapped his combadge and spoke into it. “Paris to Baytart.”

“ _Sir?_ ”

“You’re on helm; I’ll take the away mission.”

“ _I wasn’t placed on the away mission, Sir. Commander Chakotay was._ ” My frown became a smirk. He looked up to see it before responding.

“Oh. Thank you, Ensign. Paris out.” He closed the communication.

“Still think you’re in control, _Chief_?”

“Guess I’m not.” He stood to clear the table of our scraps. I busied myself with checking the equipment in my kit. When he returned to my desk where I had the kit open, he unstacked the PADDs nearby so they wouldn’t fall over. His hands caught my eye. I stopped checking my kit and followed them to his face. “The Captain’s crazy putting you on another away mission. Be careful?” I smirked.

“I promise I won’t drink anything dangerous, hotshot,” I said. He grinned back at me.

“You better not.” He leaned over the desk as he put a hand on my cheek. I pressed forward to kiss him quickly. He seemed reluctant to let me leave.

“I should probably go.” He removed his hand from my cheek and leaned away, smiling dumbly.

“Right. I’ll see you soon.”

“You too.” I left him in my office to report to the Shuttle Bay Two. The door to the _Cochrane_ was open. I peered inside and spotted Chakotay fiddling with the controls. “Hey Chakotay.” He spun around.

“The Captain put you on this away mission?”

“I volunteered.” He spun to face forward.

“I can switch with Tom if you like.” I shook my head as I took the co-pilot seat.

“No, I just won the argument that he doesn’t need to babysit me.” He looked over at me sideways. I turned away to adjust my kit so it’d fit in the bulkhead straps on my right.

“Already arguing with each other? Did I miss the wedding?” I rolled my eyes.

“Shut up, Chakotay.” He chuckled.

“ _Captain to shuttlecraft Cochrane. We’re reading that Lieutenant Torres joined you, Chakotay._ ”

“That’s right. We’re just about ready here,” he said. He turned to me. “Ready?”

“Ready, Sir.”

“We’re ready, Captain.”

“ _Acknowledged. Mr. Kim, open the shuttle bay doors._ ” Ahead of us, the space doors opened. Chakotay brought us to hovering while I monitored the read-outs in front of me. We crossed the threshold into space easily. “ _Have a safe trip. Captain out._ ”

“How far is the junkyard?” I couldn’t see it on short range sensors yet and the long range sensors hadn’t booted up just yet. _Cochrane_ had been under maintenance for a long time since Tom crossed the transwarp threshold.

“Not far, in another minute or two it should show up on short range.” I waited until then to speak again.

“I’m reading dilithium at 343-mark-7.”

“Adjusting.” Chakotay dodged under a heap of floating debree. He swore as he only barely managed to slip past another discarded sheet of metal right after. However, the rest of the way read clear both on sensors and through the viewport.

“Maybe I should have had you switch with Tom. At least I know I’ll come out in one piece if he’s flying.”

“I’ve done dozens of these junkyard trips before. You know that.”

“I think you’re out of practice, old man.”

“All the better to practice now.” The shuttle jostled as Chakotay switched to a lower impulse. We were approaching the dilithium readings. He brought the shuttle to a standstill alongside the largest of the readings. It was a ship: no internal lights, floating. I spotted hull damage on the port side: buckling and a tear. We’d need EVA suits to collect the dilithium. “What do you think?” I consulted my sensors.

“That shuttle has the most dilithium. But we’ll have to suit up to get in.” I pointed to the damage I spotted.

“I see it. Suit up; I’ll keep an eye on things out here.” If Tom were here, he’d never let me go in there alone. Of course, I’d eventually manage to argue and ultimately win. That I didn’t need to argue was refreshing. I retrieved my kit from beside me and went to the back to suit up. Chakotay commed back to _Voyager_ to let them know our status. Before putting the upper half of my suit on, I checked on the transporters. I didn’t want to get stuck out there. Satisfied, I slipped on the upper part of the suit and donned my helmet. The inner comm fizzled to life.

“Can you hear me, Chakotay?”

“I can hear you,” his voice came through my helmet. “It looks like the shuttle’s access port is functional. Standby.” While I waited, I surveyed the darkened shuttle. It was sleek, arrow-shaped, but larger than the _Cochrane_. Our shuttle jerked as the clamps found their marks on the derelict shuttle. I held on to the bulkhead over my head for stability.

“Remind me to ask for Tom next time.” He laughed back at me.

“Quit complaining. You had your chance,” he said good-humoredly. After a moment he added, “We’re secure.” I slid back the inner door of the airlock room. After sliding it closed, I double-checked the seals on both doors. It was clumsy and annoying to move in the EVA suit, but until I confirmed the hull was intact, I’d happily stay inside it.

“I’m opening the access to the shuttle.”

“Acknowledged.” I slid the outer door, having to put more of my weight behind it than I had with the inner door. Then, I slid the shuttle’s door. Pressurized air greeted me.

“The shuttle’s airlock was pressurized.” I took my kit with me into the shuttle’s airlock room and closed _Cochrane_ ’s door behind me. Other than my wrist light it was dark.

“That’s good. Let’s hope the hull damage was superficial. I know I hate those EVA suits.”

I grinned, “Is that why you stuck me in one?” 

“You caught me. What does it look like in there?” I scanned the space with my light.

“There’s shelving for two suits, but no suits. The whole ship looks dark. It’s going to be a pain navigating to the engines. I’m going to open the inner door now.” I set my kit down to pull the door. It fell back after a few tugs. “Damn.” I pushed the door all the way and then picked up my kit, scanning the adjoining cabin.

“What?”

“The cabin isn’t pressurized.” Scanning the darkened cabin creeped me out. Artificial gravity was disabled or never apparent in the first place so small objects floated at eye-level everywhere. Something I thought was a skull until I realized it was only a ball sent shivers down my spine.

“I hope the occupants got help in time.”

“Yeah, me too.”

~Does this ship look familiar to you at all?~

~NO.~

I scanned the bulkheads, looking for a map or some clue as to where the dilithium might be. The conn was to my left. A cursory sweep of my wristlight showed no one in the seat. I headed to my right where the exterior suggested the engines would be. Pausing to pull out my tricorder from my kit led rise to an uneasy feeling, like someone was watching me.

“Chakotay, any other life signs?”

“I only read you. The signal is strong, so I don’t think I’m missing anybody. Do you want to head back?” I straightened. It was nothing. Knowing that Tom would be worried just had me worried.

“No, no. I’m alright.” I swept the surrounding area again with my wrist light, using that hand to brush aside the ball I thought was a skull a moment ago. “It must be the atmosphere.” Chakotay laughed.

“What do you rate it? Five stars?” I pressed on to the back of the shuttle. The airlock separating the cockpit from the next section was slightly ajar. I pressed my tricorder to the gap which was just wide enough to get a reading through.

“I give it a three.” The tricorder didn’t report anything out of the ordinary. “The lighting is too low.” Annoyed at having to carry so many objects and use my wrist for light, I decided to loop my tether around the handle of my kit before clicking it back in place. The kit rested against the front of my left thigh, leaving my hands free to deal with the tricorder and the light. I shoved the door back enough to step past.

“Lighting is important,” Chakotay replied. I was glad to have him in my ear. The shuttle’s emptiness and darkness were beginning to get me. There wasn’t anyone on board; my tricorder confirmed that. Still, I felt like someone might spring at me any minute. Did I have a phaser? I checked my hip. No. I didn’t. That was stupid of me. I glanced back to where I came. I didn’t want to walk through there again and then a third time. There wasn’t even anyone on board!

I scanned the room with my tricorder and wrist light as I stepped through the room. It was a mess hall or a break room. Tables were bolted down but chairs drifted overhead. I had to push a few out of the way. Dilithium wasn’t in here.

_Clang!_

I froze and looked to the sound. My wrist light illuminated the chair I’d just pushed. It moved away from the bulkhead it’d just bounced off of and I relaxed. I won’t push the next one so hard.

“Still good out there?” I asked as I resumed.

“Nothing interesting out here. Did you find the dilithium?”

“Not yet. I’m just now leaving their break room. I suspect the dilithium is near the engine room. Can you get a specific read on it?”

“Give me a minute.” I scanned through the opening of the exiting door. Nothing was off so I shoved the door back. It looked like the end of the ship; only a small storage space. That couldn’t be right. I tapped my tricorder and moved it around the space in a wide circle. “Oh, the shuttle has two decks. Engines are on the lower deck.”

“Any idea how to get there?”

A clatter made me turn around, heart racing. What the hell was that? I backed into the storage space, wanting a wall to my back as I scanned the room I just left. Metal glinted from the light. Another skull—no that damn ball drifted here and set more chairs in motion. My foot slipped. I reached out as I felt myself fall into a hole. My helmet cracked against the ledge. When it popped back, my skull collided with it.


	11. Chapter 11

“Lieutenant! Please respond.”

~KLINGON, WAKE UP.~

“Lieutenant! Please respond. B’Elanna, I swear if I have to go down there I’m going to ban you from away missions.”

“Ugh. I’m up.” I took a moment to catalogue my position. I was on the ground. Where was I? The shuttle. It didn’t have gravity. How was I on the ground? There was a humming next to me. I looked over at the small warp core, no taller than a toddler and about as wide as two. The core glowed a faint blue. It was a color on _Voyager_ that I associated with malfunctions. The engine room, as I suspected, bore no floating objects. That made sense. Engineering on _Voyager_ had the most efficient gravity plating due to its proximity to the warp core.

“Glad to hear that. Where are you?”

“You can’t find my biosigns?” Panic rose like bile at the implications. If he couldn’t read me then someone could be here with me. I shifted my light across the room since I lost my tricorder in the fall. My uneasy feeling this whole time was warning me about the engine room. Of course they’d be in the engine room, it was just where I needed to go. Were both of them here? Just one? Hu'tegh, I can’t see anyone!

“No, I can read you. I’m checking if I should order you back yet or not.” My panic subsided.

“Lead with that next time. I’m in a small engine room. The warp core is operational. I fell through,” I looked up with my light, “a ladder shaft.” Ugh. Great job, B’Elanna. Stellar work right there.

“Are you alright?” I checked my injuries and my suit. Despite the hit to the head and subsequent fall, there were no leaks, cracks, or tears that I could discern. My neck felt stiff. My left wrist hurt from being leaned on.

~How about you? Are you alright?~

~I HAVE NO INJURIES.~

I shifted to try standing, but found I couldn’t move my left leg without a searing pain running up my calf to my hip. It was the leg I seemed to land on judging by it being under my right before I moved that leg. I forced a laugh to bite back the curse.

“I think you’ll have to ban me from away missions. I think I broke my leg.”

“Sit tight. I’ll transport you out.”

“Wait, not yet.” I unlatched my kit from my hip and tossed it to my side before rolling to my stomach once it was out of the way. These suits were robust. I could probably drag myself to the crate in front of the warp core. I’d bet anything that the dilithium was in there.

“Why not?”

“I think I can see the dilithium.”

“You think?”

“I dropped my tricorder in the fall.” I pulled myself forward a few centimeters. As long as I didn’t flex my leg, it didn’t hurt much.

“B’Elanna, don’t tell me you’re trying to walk on that leg?”

“I’m not.” I pulled forward another chunk of centimeters confidently. “I’m using my hands and I’m almost there.” Another two strong-armed drags got me within range of the crate. I reached inside and pulled out a robust piece of refined dilithium. Perfect. After setting it back into the crate and grabbing hold of the crate’s edge, I said, “Ready for transport. I have the dilithium.” The familiar glow of the transporter enveloped me before it deposited me on the brightly lit transporter pad of the _Cochrane_ , grinning. Chakotay strode to the back of the shuttle to help me detach my helmet.

“You’re crazy. You know that?” I picked up a piece of dilithium and waved it.

“Quit complaining, I got the dilithium didn’t I?” He took it from my hand and dropped it into the crate before moving the crate away.

“We could have sent someone else in.” I struggled to sit up even with Chakotay’s help. My leg surpassed the dull ache of a new injury. Now it throbbed.

“And now you won’t have to.” I shrugged off the top of my EVA suit. After deciding it wasn’t worth it to remove the rest without a strong analgesic, I leaned against the bulkhead.

“Except that we do, to get your tricorder.”

“Oh. I forgot about that.”

“I figured.” He patted my leg roughly. I hissed from the jolt of fire that ran up my leg. “Good job on the dilithium, though.” I glared at him. Chakotay didn’t look apologetic in the slightest. Fine, I guess I had disobeyed an order again. At least we weren’t on the _Val Jean_ anymore. If we were, he’d have squeezed my leg for good measure.

I stayed against the bulkhead while Chakotay navigated us back to _Voyager_. I didn’t think it was my imagination that he weaved and dodged more than on the way back. After we docked, Chakotay called for my transport to Sickbay and another partner to collect my tricorder from the ship. The Doctor was finishing my first regenerator treatment when Tom stalked in.

“You broke your leg,” he accused as he came to my side. He was hovering. I glared.

“I didn’t drink anything dangerous,” I retorted. He laughed. My mood lifted. “Actually I’m thirsty. I don’t think I drank much of anything. Water?”

“Sure.” He went out of sight and returned with a glass. I sat up enough to drink it. Now that I wasn’t in the EVA suit any more, moving felt so much easier. He took a seat nearby.

“So…,” I started.

“So?” he replied. I sighed.

“What? No ‘I told you so’?”

“You want to hear me say that?”

“No, I figured, you wanted to say it. Go ahead. Consider it your one and only chance.” He looked at me for a moment, thinking, I was sure, for a good response. He shook his head.

“Nah, I have better tricks up my sleeve.” I scoffed.

“Like what?”

“Like dinner?” An irrational—is it really irrational?—concern that he's going to push me for more surfaced like some tikka cat prowling for scraps. He must have seen something in my expression. As I watched, his smart grin retracted to a pair of sympathetic eyes and smile.

"If it makes you more comfortable, we can have dinner in your quarters." I nodded sharply, allowing myself to look away for a moment. We already had one dinner, I shouldn’t be so worked up about this.

"Yes, that would be better."

“How bad was your break?” I shifted my leg self-consciously at the question while chasing away the reasons he might have for asking. Only one of which was an honest concern for my well-being.

“It’s not bad; the bones never shifted. The Doctor only needs to run over it again in about an hour.”

"I'll see you at nineteen hundred hours then?"

"Don't be late," I joked half-heartedly.

"Oh, that reminds me." Tom produced a PADD from behind his back and placed it on my belly. "Yesterday's helm report and this morning's." I raised my eyebrows at the mention of his morning's helm report.

"Another one of your tricks?"

"If that's what it takes." He laughed a pleased laugh.

"Wow. Two whole reports? I must be dreaming." Tom pinched my arm. I swatted at him with the PADD, narrowly missing the hand I'd broken last time. "What was that for?" I glowered.

"You've never heard of 'pinch me, I must be dreaming'?"

"No," I shook my head and scrunched my face in response. "Why would anyone do that?"

"I dunno. Maybe just for fun." I shook my head.

"Don't you have work, Flyboy?"

"Funny you should ask, as I do." Tom took two steps backwards, waved his right hand once in a casual sign off, and added with a sweeter lilt: "I can't wait for dinner, B'Elanna." While I wrestled on something to say back, the moment passed as he exited Sickbay. He turned at the last second to walk through the door facing forward.

"Me too, Tom," I finally said to the empty room. I smiled foolishly for several minutes before deciding to read Tom’s reports. They were professional and to the point, with the occasional subtle joke thrown in.

I finished reading his reports with thirty minutes to spare before the Doctor came back for my leg. I poked at it. It was still tender so I stopped. The ceiling wasn’t interesting to look at. Neither was the rest of Sickbay. The Doctor wasn’t even online. He scheduled himself a wake up call for when he needed to work on my leg again. I brought the PADD back into view, looking for something to do. Sometimes people used the same PADD for reports from different days. There could be older reports here to read and pass the time.

I thumbed out of the folder I was in. There were two folders total: Engineering and B’Elanna. I was just in the Engineering folder. What was in the B’Elanna folder? I opened it. Inside were two files titled only as “Suggestion 1” and “Suggestion 2”. Shocked, I set the PADD face down on my belly.

Did he really think I’d read his suggestions? I never said I would. He’s going to think I did though now that he handed me this. Didn’t he say he studied computers at the Academy? He could know already that I left the Engineering folder. Crap. I pulled the PADD back to where I could look at it.

~DON’T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE LIKES?~

~That’s not the point. This is underhanded, even for him.~

~I WANT TO KNOW. OPEN THE FIRST ONE.~

~Are you insane?~

~NO. OPEN THE FIRST ONE. I WILL NOT ASK AGAIN.~

Sobered, I tapped the first suggestion without looking at the contents for specifics. I noticed however, that the page was mostly blank. Focusing on the words, I read:

_Gotcha! There’s no suggestion here. I’m only messing with you. Thanks for playing along. :)_

I laughed.

~OPEN THE SECOND ONE.~

~There wasn’t a suggestion in the first one. I don’t think there’ll be one in the second.~

I didn’t hesitate to navigate out of this “suggestion” and into the second option. I recognized the title. It was the one I’d been rereading this month about the woman and her secret admirer. Below the title was an added statement:

_This one came highly recommended by the computer’s database. I started reading it and thought you might like it too. It’s historical and so far not too risque in case you’re wondering. I’m in chapter eight._

I smiled and reread Tom’s words. I didn’t remember what happened in chapter eight so I used the table of contents to take me to that chapter.

_There was a certain draw to a secret admirer. Madeline had never had one before. She didn’t know anyone who did. She studied the handwriting for the third time that night under the candlelight of her bedroom. Who was writing them? Did he mean everything he said?_

I lost myself in the novel, imagining the admirer as Tom without guilt up until the Doctor returned to finish healing my bone. I couldn’t read with him there too, so I set the PADD on my belly and waited for him to finish. When he finished, I went back to my quarters.

I hesitated at my door, wondering if Tom could already be there. I shook my head as I entered because that was ridiculous. Not only did he not have my access code, he'd said nineteen hundred and it was only seventeen hundred.

I had two hours. What should I do for two hours? The majy had nothing to offer. I paced my room uncomfortably. I should have just agreed to dinner in his quarters; mine were in quiet disarray. There were clothes strewn on my chair in a heap and a few messy dishes on my reading table. He hadn't said anything about the clothes or dirty dishes last time he visited. Still, I didn’t want them here for tonight. After setting the PADD down on the table, I balanced the two mugs and accompanying spoons on a stack of two plates so I could easily carry them to my replicator. They faded in a flurry of light once I set them on the tray and pressed the uptake button.

When I regarded the table again from afar, I judged it to be too empty. It made me recall my dinner with Tom the other night and how he'd grabbed the candles to liven things up. I didn’t want to use them this time. Some feeling I remembered now made me wary to move them. Instead, I used my practically endless rations account to replicate a pair of large, round, unscented candles. I set them in the center of the table and placed the matches from my reading nook between them for later.

I crossed the room to my pile of clothes. Next, I dumped them in the refresher and made a mental note to check on them later. The next thing I did was to tidy up the PADDs on my coffee table. I looked around the room for something more to do to pass the time. My eyes caught on the door to my bathroom. A shower sounded nice. I haven't had one since I made the agreement with the majy. I didn’t know if Tom has a plan for replicating a meal or not, but even if he did want to replicate something and pull rations from my account, I had plenty for that and a long, luxurious water shower. It might even calm my nerves.

~That's assuming you aren't planning on sticking around?~

~I WILL GIVE YOU YOUR PRIVACY.~

~...Give me an hour. Then you can come back.~

I put off deciding what to wear by grabbing two towels instead. Then, I slipped into the bathroom and placed the towels on my sink counter where I could reach them from the shower. With a call to the computer, I started the shower to let it warm the stall while I shed my clothes quickly, dropping them to the floor without lingering. Between distrustful and cautious, I prefer cautious.

When I was undressed, I stepped into the steamy water before the air and tiles could leach my warmth away. The warm stream soothed my nerves as I spun slowly under the water. I took my time showering, knowing that an hour was plenty of time and secure in the knowledge that I had the rations to burn. Plus, the majy seemed true to its word. There was a thick wall separating my consciousness from its.

When I finished, maybe another forty-five minutes later, I felt completely relaxed. I towel-dry my hair lightly and then wrapped it up in the towel before drying my skin with another towel and wrapping that oversized towel around my body. The room beyond my bathroom had a chill in the air, but I knew it was because I'd taken a very warm shower. I left the door to the bathroom open so the temperatures will even out and the mirror will defog.

I crossed to my wardrobe for something to wear. A dress seemed too much. Besides, I didn’t have anything other than a few sundresses that will make me cold if I wear them now, fresh out of a hot shower. I opened another drawer and spotted a few pieces from my Maquis "uniform." The whole outfit would feel a little formal, but I did like how it fit on me.... Decided, I drew out the tight pants and open another drawer for an airy white blouse. It was long-sleeved and cuffed at the end with a high collar at the neck: safe.

I fished for a bra, tank top, and underwear and then took the clothes to my bed to lay them on while I changed. Recalling all too vividly the malfunctioning commands from earlier, I left my towel around my body until I had my underwear and pants on. When I let the towel fall, I was sure to angle my back completely toward the line of sight to my door, just in case. It wasn’t like I had a lot of space to stay out of its line of sight; a bad design choice in my opinion. I felt much better when I had my bra and tank top on. I left my hair in the towel when I pulled the blouse over my head. My hands moved quickly to tuck the end of it and my tank top into my pants.

I scooped up my body towel, dropped it into the refresher, and then headed for the bathroom to blow dry my hair straight. It was a practiced ritual that took forever only because my hair was so thick. Back in the Maquis, I had Chell attempt to thin it once and had to wear a hat to keep my ears warm on a regular day until it filled out again.

My chime rang shrilly some time later after I felt the majy's walls come down. The sound cut into the droning hum of my dryer. I turned it off to be sure I'd heard correctly, but there was no mistaking the first chime. I entertained the notion to pretend I'm not home, but I shoved that suggestion aside before the majy could comment. I wasn’t scared. It was just Tom. But my stomachs didn’t settle at the sentiment. "Just Tom" had started to mean more than just my friend. My chime rang again.

I put away my blow dryer and hung the hair towel to dry for next time. Moving it sent the earthy and sweet scent of my conditioner into the air. I strode out of the bathroom, laughing nervously at how my not moving might have seemed like I _was_ pretending not to be home. I opted to open the door.

"Wow, you look nice," Tom complimented. I squirmed only a little under his intense gaze. He'd cleaned up too. His hair looked combed and he wore dark jeans and a brown tunic. I recognized the tunic as what he most frequently wore in the Maquis as well.

"You say that like it's a surprise," I deflected. Tom shifted past me. The brief tide of anger quieted when he offered me a bottle of wine and a smile. I took the wine to my table. Then I fumbled with the lighter until I managed to get my brain and fingers cooperating.

"It's no surprise because you always look nice." I looked away, biting my lip. I realized consciously that I should do something other than deflect and turn away, but I couldn’t bring my mouth to say anything appropriate.

"Um," my mind was blank. "Did you— What do you—." I took a breath, unclear as to why I felt a little light-headed all of a sudden. I used the pause to sit down in my chair with a heavy thump I hadn't meant to do.

"Are you okay?" I looked up at Tom, who stood nearer to me than he had been a moment ago. The fresh pump of blood at his nearness cleared my mind somewhat. I nodded.

"Just a little..." I waved my hand and took another large breath, "light-headed."

"Light-headed?" He was kneeling in front of me now. "Do you want to go to Sickbay?"

"No!" I practically shout. I shook my head gently at Tom's wide eyes. "No," I say more evenly. I tilted my head toward my bathroom. "I have a medical tricorder stashed there. Under the sink." Tom patted my knee before standing.

~Are you okay?~

~SEPARATING OUR CONSCIOUSNESSES FOR SO LONG WEAKENED ME.~

~I'll take shorter showers next time.~

"I'll go get it." When he came back, he pulled the hand monitor from the back and scanned it over me once he kneels. "I won't ask why you have it." He peeked up at me, making it clear that his non-question was a question after all. I wondered if he could detect the majy with it. I felt a sense of deja vu at the thought: like I tried to use the tricorder before for detecting the majy, but I couldn’t place the memory.

"If I went to Sickbay every time I thought I'd been hurt in Engineering, I'd never get any work done. I can check if I've seriously hurt something or just overworked it." I focused on breathing. The oxygen was helping to make me feel less light-headed. Tom nodded.

"He's not the easiest person to get along with," Tom deadpanned. I laughed.

"That's an understatement." He was still scanning me. It was taking too long. Should just take the tricorder myself? Even if he was training as a medic—he certainly complained about it enough—I did have my Maquis experience to support me. I've learned my way around a medical tricorder enough to tell the difference between something life-threatening and something merely annoying. "What's the verdict, Tom? Will I live?" He frowned at my attempt to be funny.

"Yeah, B'El." His face still held tension at his lips and eyes as he stowed the hand scanner of the tricorder. "Just low blood sugar. And I can't detect that majy either." Tom stood without patting my knee. I found myself worrying over the lost contact. In an attempt to get Tom to smile, I tried at humor one more time.

"So desert then dinner?" My lip twitched up, hoping he'll respond. He could take that innocent question a number of ways. Any of them should make him smile.

"Want to wager a guess as to what I made for desert?" I broke into a wide smile.

"You _made_ your sister's cake?" He nodded.

"I saw that transporters were up when I brought you lunch and felt inspired." Tom settled into the seat opposite me. "Computer, initiate program Paris Dinner 3." My stomach churned at the number, remembering Jor's comment from so long ago.

"Three, huh?" I stated as evenly as possible. I didn’t want to give away how upset I felt about a little number. Tom gazed at me over the materialized cake that I couldn’t bear to look at now. I realized too late that he could just use his superpower to guess what I'm thinking.

"Three for the third course," he sounded amused.

"Oh."

"Not that I'm entertaining anyone else," Tom grabbed the cake knife that materialized with the cake, "but do you really think I'd be that careless?" He sliced down the round cake three times to form two slices on the side near him. My mind drifted to Ensign Jor with her 'tall and handsome' suitor anyway. I shook it free and checked back in to reality in time to see Tom roll his eyes.

"You won't believe it until you see it then," he said, still amused. Tom slid my slice to me and pulled his own to himself. "Computer, initiate programs Paris Dinner 1 and Paris Dinner 2, but adjust to materialize on the coffee table instead." I looked over to the coffee table. Upon seeing two plates of salad, utensils, and a medium bowl of something I couldn’t see into, I glanced at Tom. I pressed my palms into the table as I stood to peer into the bowl. It looked like spaghetti.

"Alright, I believe you." I reached forward to grab my fork. Tom stilled my hand.

"I'm not interested in anyone else, B'El," he said. I felt my face flush. My hand prickled under his warm skin. He pulled his hand away and used the opposite to take up his own fork. I resumed grabbing my fork, willing my hand not to shake.

"You're not interested in Jor?" I pressed hesitantly, unable to drop it. A childhood refrain of "don't ask what you don't want to know" ran through my mind. Except, by some cruel twist of fate, I _did_ want to know.

"Jor? From Engineering? She’s going out with Tabor last I heard." I didn’t know that.

"Yeah," I tried to play it off like that’s what I wanted to know. Of course, that was silly. I’d practically accused him in my own way. He was sure to realize. I cut a sliver from my cake automatically, wondering why the majy was being so quiet. I could still sense it paying attention.

Sure enough, Tom responded to my accusation, "I'm not interested in Jor," he shook his head. "Aren't you going to try the cake? I'm waiting for you." I looked up surprised. The vision of him across the table over the low candles dragged up our last dinner together. The majy had been quiet for most of that too back then and I kissed Tom thinking I was in the clear. As if on cue, the majy diligently replayed the memory. I pushed away from the table and stood suddenly at the intrusive thought. I heard my fork clatter on my plate, still holding a cake sliver. A slurry of emotions tumbled over me: regret, fear, annoyance, anger... I couldn’t even name them all. The memory fell back.

"This isn't going to work, Tom." Tom frowned at me. I looked away and paced to my bed since I didn’t want to be near anything related to Tom right now. I felt like a caged animal! There was no way out and someone was _always_ watching me. "It's just too weird. I have this, this _parasite_ in my mind watching me! ...And you're my friend." I found I couldn’t look at him more than for fleeting glances. "And well," I shrugged one shoulder and glanced up once more, "you have a reputation too. I’d be an idiot to ignore that." He'd had the reputation while in the Maquis. It wasn't uncommon for people to walk back to the _Val Jean_ in whatever clothes they left in the previous night. Tom did so at _every_ docking. Never would I have imagined one day becoming his friend and now entertaining this...whatever it was. He took a long time to answer.

"What do you want, B'Elanna?"

"I—" I hesitated, looking around the room for something safe to stare at. The majy's diminishing strength now broke through to me sometimes and I was still not willing to give it what it wanted, what I wanted to some extent. I could admit that much. But this was unreasonable! _My_ personal life out there for anyone to gawk at? No! I couldn’t settle on anything to stare at and brought my gaze to my hands in my lap. "I don't know. More time maybe."

The reality of the situation crashed down on me. It could be low blood sugar, or the tense situation, but either way, I felt my eyes sting and my mouth contorted into a sob. I didn’t want to die, not really. It wasn’t that I was scared. I just wanted more time to _do_ something with myself.

All my life I’ve wanted an opportunity like I have on _Voyager_ and despite everything I’ve done to sabotage myself in the past, I was somehow here. Now I have this— _arrrg!_ —parasite, ruining everything again. I quickly swiped at my eyes, not wanting Tom to see, but certain that he will anyway. 

I heard his chair scrap and felt his hands on my biceps. Then he pulled me into a tight hug with my head over his left shoulder. My chest jumped with a sob I’d tried suppressing for too long. He only held on tighter. I felt a hand on my back rubbing circles and another stroking my hair. He mumbled something that I couldn’t understand past my horrible crying. Ugh: the whole situation disgusted me. I pressed my hands between myself and Tom to push him away. He went easily, but I won't meet his gaze.

"Sorry, I thought you might need a hug."

"No, you _wanted_ a hug," I snapped, undeserved. Tom stood then. I found I could look at him now and was pleased to see an angry cloud covered his eyes. It was better that he felt angry.

"B'Elanna, what's wrong with you?" His voice sounded loud, too loud. I stood to shove him. He stumbled back, confusion clear on his face. This was a sudden turn about, but dammit, I've worked hard to be who I am and now I had less than a month to change myself so someone will love me or else a brain parasite will kill me? It was not going to happen!

"What's wrong with you, Tom?"

"Me!? You're the one shoving people!" He looked about ready to shove me back. Instead, he held his hands out angrily while he talked.

"Exactly! You're nice, Tom. I'm not. You're patient with people. I don't try that at all. You're charismatic. I'm abrasive." I growled to prove my point. It would be simple to go on and on, but really, I didn’t need to put myself down any more than I already had. I felt like I needed to wring something with my hands. Barring that option, all I had was shouting, "I'm not going to change for you!" His face softened just as quickly as it had hardened. He approached me.

"B'Elanna you don't—" he tried to touch my arm, but I jerked it away and turned around. Any closer and I'll strangle him. "You don't need to change for me." He let that sink in without touching me. After a moment, he gingerly touched my shoulder, but I stormed away while still keeping my back to him.

"I do though," I said quietly. My voice grew quieter as I continued and consciously learned this truth of mine as I said it. "If I don't then I'll do something or say something and you'll leave."

"I won't leave," I heard from his voice that he hadn't moved. It felt safe to turn around and face him.

"You can't promise that." Tom teetered on his feet before deciding once again to approach me.

"You're right. I can't." He put both of his hands on my biceps again, rubbing gently up and down. "But I _can_ promise that I'll talk with you whenever something bothers me." I focused on the ground between our feet. I felt ashamed of my behavior. It was the broken wrist all over again: unnecessary collateral damage. When will I learn? It’ll probably be better if I dropped this whole thing with Tom. I’ve managed well enough on my own. So what if I die alone.

"We're already fighting," I exasperated. This won't work.

"No, we're—" he stopped to think or maybe to realize the truth and then laughed. "Yeah, I guess we are." He rubbed my arms. "Not the best beginning, huh?" I shook my head. I didn’t want to start a real fight by talking just yet. There was still the Captain’s nagging advice that buzzed around my head: _You don't want to lean on anyone. It can't hurt though. I'm sure you realize that._ It reminded me I decided to give him a chance. He didn’t say anything for long enough that I get worried I’ve missed my chance. "I was a little bothered about something you said today."

"The dying joke?"

"No." I looked up, confused.

"Then what?"

"That you have to change for someone to love you." His eyes flitted back and forth between mine. It was oddly intimate and I had to look away. "Promise me you won't change yourself so I'll love you." He made another noise, but didn’t continue. It was probably for the best; I'd expect him to finish with an unbelievable declaration of love after a request like that.

"I promise," I smiled softly in reply when he didn’t say anything else.

"Would you like that hug now?" I nodded but before I could finish saying my "yes," he pulled me into a tight embrace. I left my hands pressed to his chest but relaxed my fists some. My head fell to his chest above my hands. I felt content—emotionally raw and worried about what happened next—but content.

He was right; I needed a hug. I closed my eyes to the sensation, drinking in his comforting smell and warm feel.

After a long hug, Tom pulled back with his hands still on my biceps and asked, "Ready to eat?" I nodded and we went back to dinner.


	12. Chapter 12

We'd taken to switching which quarters we had dinner in, but Tom said that tonight he managed to wrangle exclusive access to the Captain's galley where Neelix normally cooked. He wanted to show me how to make the cake I like before he added the recipe to my account. I wasn’t sure what I was looking forward to more: the cake or spending time with Tom.

I decided I was looking more forward to the cake as I looked for something that could get dirty by Tom's guidance. As he firmly suggested in my office so long ago, Tom was around anytime I called; the cake was not. I smiled to myself, at least until he added the recipe to my account.

I picked out one of my old T-shirts that I'll sleep in when I've forgotten to do my laundry. There was a less faded pair of sweatpants in the bottom drawer that I took out as well. I stripped out of my clothes right there in front of my dresser and slipped into the soft, worn fabrics quickly. When I was dressed, I checked my appearance in the bathroom mirror. I hadn’t gotten thinner since I last checked over a week ago. Having several large slices of Tom's winning chocolate cake will do that. I didn’t mind though. If anything, I was glad something we were doing was helping.

However, I didn’t like how casual I looked in the T-shirt and sweatpants. Wearing these in my quarters or a private galley was more appealing than traipsing through the corridors this way. I could transport myself to the galley. Now there was an idea!

"Computer, transport me to the Captain's galley." The computer chimed its negative tone.

"Unable to comply. Area is restricted." No one told the computer the Captain's galley was part of the mess hall then. Was that my job or the Captain’s? Not Neelix’s. Chakotay’s?

"Authorize access with the Chief Engineer's override: Torres Gamma seven three." The computer chimed its negative tone again.

"Unable to comply. The Chief Engineer does not have override privileges to this area." It wasn’t my job then. Groaning with annoyance, I went back to my wardrobe, found a sweater, slipped it over my head, and then walked for the Captain's galley. I avoided looking at anyone while in the corridors. No one looked at me for too long that I thought they found my outfit funny. If they had, I'd turn right around and cancel with Tom.

~NO YOU WOULD NOT.~

~I would.~

~I WILL NOT ALLOW IT.~

A busy Neelix smiled fleetingly as I dodged him to knock on the inner door. He smiled at everyone that way though.

~Good thing I got here alright then.~

Tom opened the door to the galley on my first knock. I hadn't been sure to expect him to be there or not but I found myself glad that he was. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I had to wait or actually speak with anyone. Getting past Neelix without a word was the big surprise. Maquis stealth tricks come in handy sometimes I guessed.

"B'Elanna!" Tom smiled and drew me into the galley by the arm. Neelix did a good job of cleaning up for us. Gratefully, no one seemed to notice Tom pull me inside.

"You're in a good mood," I smiled back as he let go of my arm. My successful infiltration of the galley also had me in a good mood. He wore a towel draped over his shoulder and the sleeves of his shirt rolled up to the elbow. His “something that can get dirty” was a forest green Academy sweatshirt and gray sweats. I pulled off my own sweater and set it on a corner countertop against the wall.

"I'm always in a good mood when I get to spend time with you." I smiled to myself, still facing away from him. Would it be good to let him know how much that sentiment made me happy? Would he think it was too much too soon?

~TELL HIM.~

Before I could say anything, Tom continued, "Ready to make chocolate fudge cake?" I turned around, glad to be in his presence even if the majy was upset I didn't get to tell him. I considered my earlier appraisal of why I was excited to come here and reversed it considering my reaction.

"Are you?" I teased. The majy’s approval filtered through to me. Tom mocked a hurt expression.

"Of course! C'mere, let me show you the ingredients." He looked more excited than I felt. "I already set them out for us." I stepped the two steps it took to reach the counter he'd indicated. He stood at my right side with an arm around my back and the other gesturing to the ingredients as he named them. The arm was a familiar comfort. He placed it around my back often now. I liked it best when he draws abstract shapes across it. He didn’t do that this time, probably so he could point out the ingredients for me. I focused on his explanation.

"Milk and eggs. Vanilla extract, flour, sugar, and lemon juice. Baking powder, baking soda, and cocoa powder." Everything either had their own bowl, cup, or the original container.

"How much of everything is there?"

"You know, I'm not sure. I just eyeball it." Tom went to the sink to wash his hands and gestured for me to do the same. "I suppose I could check the replicator recipe, but what fun is there in that?" He dried his hands on the towel over his shoulder and then drew up another towel for me from under the sink. "Put this over your shoulder like mine. That way you can clean off your hands if you need to."

"Clean off my hands?" I gave him a sideways look and grinned. "Are we mixing this with our hands?" He laughed.

"Nope, just if you need to." He shrugged and moved to be in front of the ingredients once more. He stood just to the right of the flour so I put myself in front of it. "I always make a mess cooking somehow. And since I'm teaching you, you'll make messes too."

"I guess I can't argue with that."

"No you can't." He gestured to the flour bowl in front of me. "First, put a tablespoon each of baking powder and baking soda into the flour."

"You want me to do this?"

"You _are_ supposed to be learning," he said as he handed me a tablespoon.

"I wish you luck; I'm not the easiest student," I commented as I spooned a heaping spoonful of baking powder and then the same amount of baking soda into the flour bowl. I set the spoon down and accepted the offered whisk from Tom. As I took up the bowl in one hand and whisked with the other, a few heated arguments with my Academy professors came to mind, aided by the majy’s interest. The Academy was not the place for me. I was glad I wasn’t there now. I couldn’t imagine wanting to ever go back, even with Tom's help.

"You can't be so bad." Tom leaned on the counter, watching me.

"You never saw me argue with the professor."

"I've seen you argue with the Captain."

"That's not the same."

"Sure it is. Don't mix so fast, you'll make it go in the air." I slowed my mixing if that was what it could be called. It seemed more like I was making smoke signals regardless of my speed. "They're both in positions of authority. The good ones like having their conclusions challenged.” The Captain actually did say something like that a while back. Tom could be right. “Okay, that's enough." I set the bowl and whisk down on the counter, waiting for the next instruction.

"Now in the sugar bowl, we need to put the butter, eggs, and vanilla." I reached for the eggs first, but Tom stilled my hand. I looked up to see what I did wrong.

"In that order: butter, eggs, vanilla." I chuffed.

"Alright Mr. _Orderly_ ," I shook my head slightly on the insult. That with my grin were meant to tell him it was in jest. He let go of my hand. I took the butter and sliced it into slivers with a nearby butter knife, letting the slivers fall into the bowl. "What's it matter the order they go in?"

"It'll be lumpy if you do it wrong."

"Ah," I said distractedly as I added the eggs and took up the vanilla bottle, popping the lid. "How much vanilla?"

"Just a little." I looked sideways at him.

"I'm going to need more instruction than that." He rolled his eyes.

"Right, Ms. _Engineer_ ," he mimicked me, down to the head shake. I grinned back. Cooking was fun. Cooking with Tom was extra fun. He turned to face me and placed his hand on the bottle over mine to guide the tilting. His hand felt warm and his body moved in close to pour. This adventure had to be one of his tricks. I hadn’t expected that. Well played. When he stopped pouring and took his hand away I closed the lid and set it aside.

"You could have just said when to stop."

"Seeing you flustered is more fun," he said matter-of-factly. I slapped his arm when he broke into a ludicrous grin.

"I wasn't flustered, I was just saying!"

"Right," he drawled skeptically. We locked eyes for a moment before I had to look away since maybe he had been a _little_ correct. I was _infinitesimally_ , _microscopically_ flustered.

~IF IT WAS SLIGHT, WHY DID YOU LOOK AWAY?~

~Fine! I was flustered. Drop it!~

"Okay, next we add the lemon juice to the milk and pour that into the flour _slowly_." I wrinkled my nose.

"That sounds disgusting. You itching for Neelix’s job? Don’t answer that,” I said while laughing and wracking my brain for exactly why lemon and milk was a bad idea. I got it. ”Won't the lemon sour the milk?"

"Good job!" He beamed. My heart might have skipped a beat at his enthusiastic praise.

~I CAN CONFIRM THAT IT DID. WHAT A STRANGE SENSATION.~

~You’re impossible.~

"It will. It's supposed to," he continued. What’s supposed to? My heart skip? Oh wait, the lemon and the milk. Right. Tom gestured for me to continue. I took the lemon juice. Rather than ask for how much, I just started squeezing it into the mug of milk. I figured Tom will stop me when it was enough. "Alright," I tilted the juice upright.

"Next?" I talked over the flutter in my chest. I didn’t need the majy’s confirmation to know that this trick of Tom’s seemed to be having the desired effect. I couldn’t _not_ know exactly where he was or how he smelled. Damn. But, I wasn’t entirely displeased. I felt connected, knowing that he read the same novel I liked. Really? It was absurd. _Harry_ would probably like the novel if I got him to read it. Not that I would even suggest it. What was I doing again? The juice. I set the juice down. Tom _had_ been comforting, eventually, when I broke down. He might not be as bad an idea as I once thought. Everything was fine.

Tom stepped around me, touching the tops of my hips as he passed behind me. My skin erupted with goosebumps starting near where he touched and expanding everywhere quickly. Everything was not fine.

~GOOSEBUMPS ARE BETTER THAN BUTTERFLIES.~

I ignored the majy. The space was just small. Everything was fine. Tom had to touch me to get past. He picked up the mug of milk with his left hand, held it over the bowl, and brought his body close enough for me to feel the warmth radiating from him. He had to be doing this intentionally. I swallowed.

"I pour. You mix. Use the big spoon."

"A-Alright." Get it together, B'Elanna! I picked up the large plastic spoon and started mixing. Once I did, Tom started pouring slowly. I could barely focus on what I was doing. My mind kept drifting elsewhere, like how easy it would be to lean a little closer, turn my head, and kiss him…

The moment passed once he finished pouring. It felt like a curtain settled around me, restoring my sense of personal space, when he stepped away. I could breathe a little easier and continued mixing. Torn down the middle. That’s how I feel. It startled me. I actually _want_ him closer.

~MOVE CLOSER.~

~I can’t. This isn’t the place.~

Nervous to ask, somehow I made my lips cooperate, "Anything else?"

"The cocoa and hot water. Then we make some frosting." I laughed to ease myself back into the moment.

"Frosting? Is that how you get messy making this?"

"Could be," he replied cryptically. "Alright, warm up a mug of water. I'll get the ingredients we need for the frosting." I took the mug that held the milk and carried it to the sink to rinse out. Before I went though, I ran my hand along his shoulder blades slowly. I'd rather be more in control of this than not. He was happy for my participation. It made me grin when I turned my back.

At the sink, I heard him step out into the mess hall for the replicator near the galley. He returned with a carton and a cup of chocolate chips. I brushed past him on my way to heat the water I filled the mug with. When I returned, he had the chocolate chips next to the oven top and the cream in a large bowl over a pot on the stove, but he pointed to the hot water mug. I took the hot water to the bowl of flour and everything else.

"What's the order for this one?"

"Cocoa into water." He looked up at me from his slow mixing of the cream. "Then that and the sugar mix into the flour mix." I did as he said and took up the whisk again to mix. The batter felt thicker now, but I managed to mix the chocolate from thin swirls to clumps to entirely chocolate. Tom took up to my left, placing his hand in the middle of my back. A shiver ran under my skin. I watched him stick his pinkie into the batter and draw out a little for a taste. "Mmm. Perfect." He gestured, "try it." I eyed him skeptically. Did he want me to use my finger? _His_ finger? I decided to rinse off the baking soda/baking powder spoon. Then, I used it to take up a small spoonful of the chocolate batter.

"It _is_ good. Now we cook it?"

"Almost, put it in the two trays over there. I already greased them. We should get the frosting started before we put them in." I nodded and took the bowl over to the two round pans. They'd been next to the line up of ingredients but I hadn't really noticed them until now. The bowl weighed more than I expected, but I managed to lift the bowl and awkwardly poured it into the pans, only making a little mess over the rim and on the counter. Tom pressed next to me when I finished. My side prickled with his nearness. He picked up one pan and dropped it, turning it as he lifted and dropped repeatedly. I picked up the second pan and did the same. The clatter of the pans filled the small galley space. The loud sound should grate on my senses, but instead I found it comforting. I glanced over at Tom, wondering what he was thinking.

~YOU SHOULD KISS HIM.~

~Not now!~

"Ready to do the frosting?" He stopped bouncing his pan suddenly and turned to me. I looked away quickly only because I hadn't been expecting him to catch me. Turning back a moment later, I let my own pan settle. He wore that mischievous smirk. That feigned distraction was definitely one of his tricks. Tom, two; B’Elanna, one. Actually, I still haven’t told him he’ll forget everything. How many points was that?

"I heated the cream already,” Tom broke my concentration. “All we need to do is pour it over the chocolate chips."

"That's all?"

"Yeah," he looked confused, "why?"

"You said it was an award winning recipe. I thought there would be something more to it than this."

"It doesn't have to be elaborate to be worthy of praise." I chewed the inside of my lip while focusing on breathing calmly. My heart hadn’t rested from its relentless pace since he first brushed past me. "Let me grab the cream. Put the chocolate chips into a bowl."

"Sure," I replied as I moved to stretch and reach the bowl above the cabinet. I placed it on the counter near my sweater. Next, I returned for the chocolate chips and poured them into the bowl, deriving satisfaction from the rapid _clink, clink, clink_ of the chips hitting the metal.

"Watch out; it's hot." I stepped aside and watched Tom pour the cream into the bowl slowly. "Now we wait a minute and then stir." Tom took the pot and inner bowl to the sink where he could cool them both off. When he finished, he started cleaning by putting all the ingredients back into cabinets above the sink and stove. I joined him, collecting the used dishes and rinsed them in the sink. Our verbal silence was an easy one and allowed me time to think about Tom. I was worried that once I did tell him he won’t remember, he won't want to help me. I chewed on the inside of my cheek.

~DO NOT TELL HIM IF HE IS LIKELY TO LEAVE.~ I didn’t really need to be told. I die if I didn’t get his help. I shut out the thoughts to pay attention to what was going on around me. As I put the last of the dishes into the sink, I felt Tom's eyes on me.

"Something you want?"

"Just enjoying the view." I turned back and grinned slyly as a number of retorts, each better than the last flited past my awareness. He stood, mixing the frosting carefully.

"Ha! Do you make all your women cook and clean for you?"

"Only the ones I can trust not to poison me. And besides," he indicated the bowl in front of him, "I helped, so don't get all 'gender stereotypes are sexist' with me miss." I shut off the water and stepped beside him to peer into the bowl. It was my turn to step into his personal space. I didn’t think he was bothered by it or even surprised. Tom stopped mixing and dipped the forefinger of his right hand into the mix. I followed it up with my eyes, expecting him to taste it, but instead, he reached across his body to deposit the clump of frosting onto the tip of my nose. My head jerked back in surprise and I went cross-eyed looking down my nose to the curl of chocolate frosting there.

"Hey!"

~HE IS FUNNY.~

"I did warn you," I looked up to see him raise his finger to his mouth, "I'm a messy cook." He hummed over the smack of removing his finger from his mouth. "This is great; try some." I took the clump from my nose to the best of my ability and put it on his nose playfully before scooping a little from the bowl onto my finger. He grinned at me. I brought it up to my mouth, but at the last moment I decided on a better use of my ammunition and swiped my hand across his jaw.

"Hey!" He exclaimed, though he didn’t sound upset at all. He took up another finger full of chocolate and swiped it down my forehead and nose. I could imagine most of it was in my ridges and the mental image of it made me laugh. I’d bet my forehead almost looked smooth now in that one line. I scooped another finger full of chocolate, but Tom backed away. "Nuh-uh, can't get me!" He crouched slightly, but remained unarmed: a poor choice in my opinion.

"Not for long! Tom, I _hate_ to lose!" I sidestepped the half step I could in the small space to see what his reaction will be. He sidestepped in opposition to me, but he crouched near the wall so he had less room to maneuver. I lunged forward, protecting my ammunition by cradling my hand to my chest. In a surprising show of strength, Tom grasped my other wrist and pulled me close to him so my armed hand and the one he held remained trapped between us. My stomachs fluttered. He had another hand on the small of my back, pressing me to him. I was breathing faster than I reasonably should for such little activity. He breathed just as fast, just as shallow.

I couldn’t bring myself to move away from Tom even if the air felt very warm for him breathing it too. It didn’t look like he wanted to move away either. Even though my hands were between us and I had the leverage to push him away, I didn’t want to. He had frosting on his jaw and nose still. I could smell the chocolate on him. His smell was just under it, forming—I didn’t have words to describe it. It was good though, very good.

"You have some chocolate on your face," I whispered.

"I do? Where?" He whispered back innocently like he didn’t know where this was going nor could feel the slightly warm frosting himself. I was certain he was aware of both things, but I played along because I felt nervous.

"Right," I wiggled my hands free, using my left forefinger to swipe at his nose and the pinky edge of my right hand to swipe at his jaw, "here." I scooped most of the chocolate away, turning my palms to myself and bringing them back between our bodies. He must be able to feel the rapid pounding of my heart. I could hardly feel anything beyond its persistent rhythm. Apprehensive even now, I rose slowly on my toes to kiss him, keeping my eyes open until the last possible moment.

The kiss was tentative, barely a caress. My stomachs fluttered. My hands felt unnaturally warm. Tom came back for a second kiss. This one was more insisting than the last. His hand slipped away from my shoulder to hold my waist. Our lips folded and bended along each other's. He nipped my lower lip. I pulled away a moment to fall back on my heels. I couldn’t stand on my toes anymore. He leaned down and stopped within reach. Waiting, I realized, for me. I pressed another kiss to his lips without having to rise to my toes. He coaxed me to part my lips to him by running his tongue along my bottom lip and holding my face with the hand that had been on my back originally.

He tasted sweet, not like chocolate, more like fruit. He drove the kiss then, forcing me to wrestle his tongue. When he retreated, I broke the kiss, remembering our audience. Forget my face feeling warm, my whole body felt as hot as a sidewalk under a summer sun. His half-lidded gaze was powerfully overwhelming. I pushed him away gently. He let me go.


	13. Chapter 13

~YOU SHOULD PRETEND I AM NOT HERE.~

~I'm not going to forget you're hovering.~

~I WILL TRY TO BE MORE DISCREET. I APOLOGIZE.~

"Do you want to finish the cake or...?"

"Finish the cake," I answered as I cross my arms in front of myself protectively. There were so many feelings to be feeling right now but mostly I felt vulnerable. It might just be worse to have the majy hovering discreetly, whatever that meant. I sensed a thin wall go up between our consciousnesses. This had to happen one way or another. It wasn’t like I haven't entertained the idea before. "First," I emphasized lightly after a brief hesitation and a glance at his falling expression. Still, maybe he won't notice.

"Alright." He smiled knowingly. My eyes were opened too wide. I turned around. My stomachs jumped at what I've half-agreed to. It had been long enough for me to feel nervous. The majy's visions haven't helped me to forget either. "All that's left is putting it into the oven and letting it cool before we add the icing."

"What temperature for the oven?" I stepped in front of the oven as I wiped my face, hands, and arms on the towel from over my shoulder. I checked my T-shirt for stray frosting too, and wiped at what I saw.

"Three fifty, but I already preheated it."

"In a hurry?" I jived as I peered beyond the window into the warmed to red oven space.

"No. I like to take things slow." My breath caught as I heard him move about the galley. He can't just be talking about cooking! Was he coming this way? I couldn’t look. "And preheating is the right way to do things." His voice dropped slightly lower. "Don't you agree?" I wasn’t sure whether to be upset or flattered that this whole cooking adventure was foreplay. I went with flattered, mostly because by now, my vulnerable feeling had given way enough for a pleasant happiness to bud.

"I agree," I murmured, wondering what he has in mind for the time it took to cook the cake. Tom approached me with the pans in gloved hands. He bent to slide them in on the same rack together when I opened the oven for him. The door creaked on its hinges but that only added to the atmosphere.

"Once they finish we'll have to wait for them to cool before we add the frosting." He leaned against the opposing counter top to the oven. "But we don't have to wait for them to cool here." We're going to talk about this?! Possibilities and fears flitted back and forth in my mind. "Where do you want to wait for the cake to cool?" At least he had the tact to be discreet. Then again, I could be misreading all this. I didn’t think so, but I didn’t have the best track record here. How could I judge?

"I-I don’t know." The bravery subsided as another feeling surfaced: apprehension. If I'd been right all along about his lack of affection, I'll be rudely disappointed in the coming week if he dropped me after getting what he wanted. I backed up to lean against the counter beside him and faced the oven. "How long does it cook for?" I tried to be casual, but I didn’t know in the slightest how it came off.

"About thirty minutes. Computer, set timer for twenty-five minutes." The computer chimed the success of the request. Silence stretched out uncomfortably. What we'd just done and what we will do weighed heavily on my mind. I pulled myself to sit on the counter with a grunt. We shouldn't leave the oven on with no one to watch it. I placed my hands in my lap to wait. 

I must immediately pick them up again when Tom turned and pressed his stomach to my knees. My pulse skyrocketed.

"What are you doing?" His fingers grazed up the sides of my thighs and then back down. My skin tingled under that slightest touch.

"What do you think I'm doing?" He looked up with a devilish smile. I hesitated while I checked in on the strength of the wall between myself and the majy. It seemed intact and sturdy.

What the hell? I tilted down to kiss Tom, opening my knees so he could step closer. Just before our lips locked, he wrapped his hands around my butt and pulled me flush to him. He swallowed my shocked gasp with his warm mouth.

His hands fluttered up my back slowly and then back down slower to squeeze the top of my butt. I curled my hands over his shoulders so my forearms rested on his chest where I could push him away if he got too fast. I was cognizant of the need to be quiet. While the sheeting over the window and the door to the exposed counter area were closed, I couldn’t shake the feeling that someone could be listening.

I'd been so worried about the majy that I forgot the mess hall was just on the other side of the wall at my back. What if Tom wanted more than kissing? Tom tried to deepen the kiss by nibbling my lip to coax my mouth to open. I drew back instead.

"Are you alright?" He regarded me sweetly with concern. It didn’t fit my image of a man after only one thing. I wanted to lie. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him _privately_. The inside of the galley was nowhere near private.

"No." I focused on my thumb moving back and forth over his green-clothed collarbone. The motion was hypnotic. I whispered, "The mess hall is just on the other side, and Neelix is probably cooking still." Wait, why I haven't heard Neelix settling pans or laughing loudly at something someone's said?

"The Captain asked me to keep an eye on you, you know," I nodded, unsure what point he wanted to make. "I convinced her that a privacy lock on the galley tonight would be beneficial." I didn’t believe this. I felt the blood drain from my face and pushed him away. Good thing I took the precaution of where to put my hands! Oh shit, the oven. I grabbed his sweater so he didn’t fall into it.

"You what?!" It came out in a hoarse whisper.

"Okayyy. That came out wrong. Specifically, I said I hadn't been able to get much out of you about how you were feeling and thought a new situation and guaranteed discretion to _talk_ about things would help." Some talk! "I didn't tell her about you crying a week ago or the majy, but you haven't mentioned it since." He smiled softly and it disarmed me. I just felt prickly. "I'm worried about you B'El. I want you to tell me how you are doing."

"I'm—I'm okay." The thought that hounded me since I met the majy surfaced again. "I'm just not thrilled at being on display, and this doesn’t help that." He didn’t answer. I swallowed a nervous lump.

Then I asked quietly, "Did you mean what I think you meant about not having to be here to watch the cake cool?" He brought his face close enough for me to feel his breath on my lips. I take in a breath.

"Probably," he whispered. I drew back sharply, overwhelmed and unsure not for the first time this week, this month, this year. Ugh. He stepped out of the space between my thighs, looking apologetic, yet kept his hands on the outsides of my knees. "But it's up to you entirely."

"I'll think about it." It was all I'll be able to think about... Tom turned back to his original spot on the counter and pulls himself up.

"Computer, how long is left on the timer?"

"Seven minutes and forty seconds," the computer read in an even tone.

"It smells good," I commented in an effort to distract myself from my dizzying thoughts.

"It does," Tom replied. I crossed my feet at the ankles and fiddled with the fabric on top of my thighs, thinking to myself how this will be the longest seven odd minutes of my life. I felt Tom watching me and forced myself to still my hands. He reached over to draw out my left hand, placing it between us without letting go. He ran circles over my skin with his thumb and I found myself drawn to watch the hypnotic motion he made there. Was now a good time to tell him about the majy making him and everyone else forget this adventure? The computer's alarm startled me when it went off.

"Computer, end alarm." Tom released my hand and slipped down from the counter. I followed and watched him open the oven door. He stuck a toothpick into the center of one, inspected it, and then stabbed the other. He pulled the stick out for me to look at. "See how it's just a little damp with a few crumbs?" I nodded. "That means it's ready." He handed the toothpick to me and I stepped outside to put it in the replicator tray before stepping back inside. No one even looked up when I walked out. Good.

He had a cooling rack with a towel underneath set up and was slipping on oven mitts when I walked in. He reached into the oven and drew out one of the pans, turned it upside down over the rack, tapped the bottom, and then started wiggling the pan until the cake fell out. I stepped a little closer, but stay out of his way while he repeated the process with the second pan beside the first cake. He turned to face me after putting both pans to soak in the sink.

"So?" He asked with a leading tone. I slung my sweater over the shoulder that didn’t have a towel, stuck a clean butter knife into the bowl of frosting for later, and picked up the frosting bowl into a two armed hug.

"We can go to my quarters." I tightened my gaze. "I'm not promising anything though." He smiled.

"Fine by me." He picked up the cooling rack from underneath after returning his oven mitts to where they go. "Waiting in your quarters will be more comfortable than on this counter again." What did he mean by that? He kissed me on that counter. Did that mean he wanted to kiss me again? Or not at all? I didn’t know.

"Computer, beam two to my quarters," I ordered before I could get lost in questions. The computer had no trouble finding us and sending us to my quarters. When I felt solid once more, I took the frosting to my dining table. Tom set the cooling rack on the table as well. I folded my towel in half onto the table, tossed my sweater in the usual chair, checked my clothes quickly for extra frosting as I walked to the couch, and then sat down. Something to think about. That’s what I needed. Tom didn’t hesitate to follow me. I felt his weight displace the couch as I leaned forward to grab a random PADD in front of me. It would do me good to review equations or reports until the cake was cool. It might do me good for other reasons not to though. I glanced up to see Tom watching me. He looked away first this time. Odd. I tested him again, turning to pretend to read and then glancing back after a random amount of time. He looked away again like I'd caught him staring, which I had. Yet when he stared before, he'd never been so quick to look away. Normally, that was my response.

"Something the matter, Tom?"

"Yes. I can't believe you don't know how beautiful you are." Alarm bells were ringing to the tune: _it's another trick!_

"Tom, if this is another trick," I warned.

"No trick," he held his hands in surrender. "In fact," he slapped both of his knees and scooted forward on the edge of his seat. "I'll leave you alone now," he looked over the pile of PADDs I've accumulated on my coffee table. I watched him select my stray library PADD. One of them really. I had three of them because I always lose them among my other PADDs. It was easier to just keep multiple. He sat back to thumb through the listings and then settled into a slow tapping rhythm when he must find something to read.

I turn back to my PADD. It was one of my estimates for the warp core under the modifications I wanted to instantiate. I couldn’t even read the words. Something heavy settled on me; some sensation I recognized but didn’t have a word for yet. I looked at it closer until I could name it. It was a weight, like the tightness before a hard tearfall. It wasn’t recognizably as strong as any crying precursor. Once I focused, though, I had to draw back before I did cry. The majy showed me this.

_I’m lonely_.

I never sat with it before when it crept in as I tried to sleep. Instead, I’d pull the blankets higher, throw a pillow over my belly maybe if it got bad, and force myself to fall asleep. I’d dream about being a little kid again, or about making enough friends at the Academy to want to stay. I’d dream about laughing with Harry and Tom, or before that, chatting with Seska, or before that, cuddling with some faceless yet comforting person. It never fixed anything for long—these dreams. I’d feel alright until the next night. Again, I wouldn’t pay attention. I never sat with it before when it crept in as I tried to sleep.

~GOOD YOU SEE IT.~

~What do I do?~

~DON’T YOU ALREADY KNOW?~

~It’s just sex. It’s not— I’ll still be lonely when this is all over.~

~YOU HAVE TO TRY SOMETHING NEW IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE LONELY FOREVER. I’M SURE YOU REALIZE THAT.~

After a moment's hesitation, I set my PADD down. I hesitated again. Was I actually going to do this? The wall between the majy and myself went up again. It had a different feel than the one the majy created for my showers. This one felt flexible somehow, but I couldn’t penetrate it so it must just be the nature of the majy’s old age or our new understanding. I stood and stepped closer to Tom. He either hadn't noticed or decided not to acknowledge me for whatever reason. I put two fingers on the PADD and lowered it slowly until he got the message and reached around me to set the PADD down.

"You're not going to leave right away are you?" I asked quietly, almost a whisper. He put his hands on either side of my waist firmly.

"Only if that's what you want."

"I don't think so."

"Then I'll stay as long as you like." This didn’t feel right without telling him. If he didn’t like it, fine. That would be it. I would die. I could take solace in the fact that even if Tom turned me down now, at least I’d finally faced that crushing feeling; that loneliness. That was brave. Even Mom would think so.

"I should have told you sooner..." I waited for the majy's protest. It didn’t come. Tom tightened his grip on my waist. I waited a beat, not wanting him to let go if this went wrong. "You're not going to remember any of this, not since the majy interfered." His forehead scrunched into three wiggly lines.

"I don't understand."

"It's how the majy operates so no one abuses it. Only trusted people and hosts remember them," I quoted.

"Oh." He looked like he was thinking about it. I had a nervous urge to back away and say something like: just kidding, this was all a big joke Harry and I put together. "I'm okay with that." He was? Tom used his hands on my waist to push me back around the edge of the coffee table so he had enough room to stand. I felt wobbly already and followed his eyes as he rose. When he stood fully upright, I leaned forward with my arms tucked to kiss him hesitantly. Maybe he was going to back away and say something like: just kidding, this was all a big joke Harry and I put together.

He didn’t and it wasn’t. The kiss quickly grew intense. He sucked on my tongue when I dared to explore his mouth and I found the sensation pleasing enough to moan against his lips softly. He broke away, directing his half-lidded eyes at my neck. I tilted my chin up and curled my right hand over his shoulder when he moved to explore my neck. The damp kisses and his uneven breath served to give me goosebumps.

He walked me backwards, toward my bed. When I realized, I turned us around so I walked him backwards. I needed the control. He accepted the change in stride until we reached the bed and he could go no farther. His hands found the hem of my T-shirt and he broke away to pull it off of me. I did the same to his sweater. When his arms were free, he took up my waist again and kissed me abruptly.

I didn't have time to bring my hands back to my chest so I draped them around his shoulders gingerly. His hands curved around my waist and down to hold my butt and press me to him. I could feel his erection straining against my stomach. I felt powerful having this effect on him. That spurred me to wedge us apart and push him to the mattress. He landed with a thump and a rush of air. At first he looked shocked, but as he slid up the bed a little, his expression turned seductive.

"C'mere, let's tussle." I stopped to laugh.

"You lost the last one." I crawled onto the bed and over him until we could be face to face.

"I did?"

"If I got close enough to wipe the chocolate from your face, then I got close enough to add more!" I laid on his torso and dropped my head to his neck where I could nibble down it to his left shoulder. His skin was supple under my teeth, begging to be bit into.

"Oh, but I _let_ you wipe the chocolate from my face. I let go of your wrist."

"I could have gotten free." Tom was silent for a moment. Before I could lean back to see why, he wrapped his arms around my abdomen and switched our position. He grappled to hold my wrists above my head. My abdomen fluttered at his show of strength.

"Show me again how that would work?" He drawled from his kneeling position over me. The voice remarking _he is only human_ goaded me into testing his grip as valiantly as I could manage. When I started twisting, I first get him to lift a little, but then he pressed more of his weight into my wrists. If I could, I'd tip my wrists toward his thumbs and break out of the hold there. He had me pinned to the bed so his thumbs were also where the mattress was. I was fighting against gravity with the weakest part of my arms. I finally grunted with the effort of twisting to break free. I couldn’t deny the game made my heart race. From the look on his face, he knew that as well as I did.

"Can't huh?" He teased as he brought his face lower. His eyes studied my face—flitting between my eyes and then roaming my expression. The grip on my wrists loosened and then disappeared altogether. I could feel the blood pumping back into my fingers at a fast, steady pulse. I pulled him down to me. His hands skimmed down my sides and then up and along my bra, giving me shivers.

His left hand went to the front where his fingers brushed my nipple and then to the back as far as he could reach. I pressed into the touch without breaking our kiss. His right hand drifted over the waistband of my sweatpants. Again he went towards the front, and then the back. With the same hand, he dipped under the waistband and a little lower to slide towards the front and then the back. My skin everywhere was tingling in anticipation for when he finally touched me the way I craved. I moaned and ground my hips against his to convey what I wanted without words.

He pulled away from the kiss entirely, took a wide stance around me at mid-thigh, and started to leisurely untie my sweatpants. Tom made a show of pulling the string ends. I was so focused on his hand there that I didn’t think to wonder where his other hand had gone until it ghosted up between my legs. A shudder shot through my spine, branched out over my skull, and then finally settled low in my belly.

Tom untied my pants in the meantime. His fingers snaked under my waistband to slide my pants down my legs as he moved to give himself space. He left my underwear where it was. I heard the pants fall to the ground behind him. The whisper of air centered and invigorated me. He moved back over me and dipped to kiss my belly, causing an intoxicating weight to form where the shudder landed.

Then Tom moved lower with his knees walking backwards to get between my legs. I couldn’t help but squirm under his kisses and the swelling weight: a tightness that demanded he move closer _now_. His strong hands found the jut of my hips and pressed me to the bed so I couldn’t writhe under his caress. It only made me want to writhe more. The kisses went along the left half of my waistband and then down where the thin cloth met my thigh.

Tom shifted his body lower, laid on his stomach, and curled his arms around my thighs just below my hips. My chest floated and my stomachs filled with butterflies at the promise his position offered. He kissed me through the damp fabric of my underwear. It took everything not to tear the remaining clothing from our bodies and hoist him back up and in. My hands both gripped the comforter above my head instead and I tried in vain to fight his arms to lift my hips to him more.

The fingers of my right hand drifted to Tom’s hair. A growl escaped my lips when he used his own fingers to draw my underwear to the side at the crotch. His fingers held the fabric still near my entrance and his tongue drew lazy circles on and around it. After teasing for some endless amount of time that I couldn’t even pretend to quantify—it was heady how high I felt; made it impossible to keep time—he let my underwear slide back to where it normally rests. I felt him pull his arms out from under my thighs and then his fingers gripped my underwear and pulled it down.

I could hardly breathe! Let alone focus. My heart pounded loudly against my ears. Surely Tom could hear it; or feel it through his hands! His mouth went to work. I was aware that my own mouth hung open in a perpetual moan that rose and fell as he worked me up and then slowed, torturously. His tongue flicked up against my nerves with a pressure that caused me to jerk under his grasp. He did it once more and, like someone else was making the noise, I heard myself whimpering. My fingers tightened against his soft hair and I glanced down at him. His eyes were pointed up at me, daring me to watch. I couldn’t look away. No one had ever spent this much time giving me oral. Tom didn’t seem anywhere close to stopping.

I felt him insert a finger and squeezed around it involuntarily as I threw my head back, eyes closed. Then I did it again, on purpose, gasping at how that exposed more of me for him to caress. I rocked my hips the best I could, knowing I mumbled desperate pleas to keep going that I'd never say otherwise but not caring as the weight built. His fingers—there were two twisting and wiggling now I thought—curled up and stroked firmly.

The latest moan stretched out into a longer, louder groan as the wave broke. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I realized I was probably holding his hair too tightly and somehow that message was relayed to my hand through no conscious effort of my own. Tom lazily licked while I came back down. My hand in his hair fell limply to the side and my grip on the cover loosened when I finally felt like myself again. I kept my eyes closed while my breathing came in short gulps.

In some far-off part of my brain that still heard the world around me, I could feel Tom move up my body. I could feel him because he placed light kisses over my abdomen and between my breasts. It was sweet. I smiled. He paused to snake a hand behind my back. Sensing what he wanted, or maybe reacting to what I wanted, I managed to tilt to the right so he could have better access. The familiar rag doll feeling that followed a great orgasm had already settled and it took most of my focus just to lift my arms for him to remove my bra. Tom resumed his kissing up my body until he alighted on my lips.

With a shiver, I could taste the tangy flavor of myself on him. He kept the kiss slow, sweet, and undemanding. The bed shifted as he moved to lay to my side and I could finally withstand the energy drain opening my eyes was when I felt him slip an arm under my neck. I turned my head to look at him. I was at a loss for something sexy or romantic to say. I checked on the wall between the majy and I. It was still there, gratefully.

Finally I settled on, "Those rumors didn't lie." I rolled into his chest to the sound of his chuckle.

When I tucked my arms in, I realized for the first time that he was still half dressed. It didn’t do anything to hide his erection though. I gave myself a minute longer to come down and then lowered my right hand to the bulge I felt at my hip. I tilted back enough to give myself space to work at the same time that Tom tilted onto his back. I ran my hand over his clothes along his sizable erection, getting excited at the thought. He groaned softly at my touch. It triggered something in me to take more control. I moved to settle between his legs on my knees, inches away from his hips. I looked up at his flushed face and then took my time gazing down his pleasantly hair-dusted chest to the sweatpants he wore.

They didn’t have a tie like mine had, so I slipped my fingers under the waistband and tugged them down his legs, moving down the bed out of the way as I did. I clambered back over him to straddle him and rocked my hips into his boxer-clad hips. He pulled my face down to his for a kiss. His kiss seemed more aggressive now that his immediate pleasure was on the table. I nipped his lip before I broke away to straddle his hips again. Then I lifted myself to free him of his boxers and settled back on his hips without impaling myself. I checked on the wall between myself and the majy again, feeling a little paranoid. There was no indication of it cracking so I continued.

Tom’s reaction to me running my nails sharply up his sides and then down pleased me. I ran my finger pads up through the hair in the middle of his chest to where I could rub circles against his nipples. He seemed to like that too. This was more fun than I've had in a long time just to watch his expressions play out and listen to his pleasured sounds. His groans were throaty and enticing. I wanted to sink my teeth into his exposed skin but no! The majy couldn’t heal anyone as far as I knew. I didn’t know how it'll make Tom forget. I didn’t want him to forget. Did he expect me to bite him? Did the majy ever have to heal things like bites? I growled, frustrated. Tom's eyes found mine on the sound.

I used my forearms to support myself on his chest as I plummeted to kiss him, pivoting my hips roughly against his and getting rougher when he made the kind of grunts that asked for more. He wrapped his arms around the dip of my back, squeezing me as close to him as he could. Without warning, he rolled us so I was on my back and he broke the kiss.

It felt like the room was out of oxygen as I watched him lean away to align himself to enter me. I bit my lip, drawing blood. Excitement didn’t begin to cover what I felt. Tom started his slow thrust into me by looking into my eyes. Feeling silly, I stopped biting my lip. Tom quirked his eyebrow. I dropped my gaze to his mouth. He smiled at me. A growl escaped me when our hips met once more. I closed my eyes to savor the feeling. Tom didn’t thrust again immediately. Instead he dipped his head to my right ear.

I could barely hear him over my panting and out of control heart, "I've heard the rumors." He kissed my neck under my ear and shifted to the other side, sending a jolt through my skin. "They don't do me justice." He nibbled lower on my neck, creating a tantalizing bottomless feeling in the middle of my chest. He set an agonizingly slow thrust as he continued nibbling down my neck and shoulder. He latched on to the curve that connected my shoulder to my neck and sucked on it sharply. By the time he released my neck and took up my eager lips, he’d only increased his speed by half. I rolled my hips in an attempt to draw out more from him. It was like I hadn't orgasmed already! My body climbed easily for another one and I was happy to let it.

Tom moved his mouth from my lips and tucked his head in the cook of my neck. I turned my head. He will get a bite! I latched my teeth around the apple of his cheek and bit down. The iron taste of blood spilled into my mouth as he muffled a yelp. Oh, he tasted better than he smelled! I released him after a savory moment.

Instead of a responding bite, he suddenly thrusted faster and harder. I gasped, and then moaned as I got used to the rhythm and rolled my hips loosely to meet it. My body jerked under him and I felt his arms around me tighten, holding me in place firmly. A broken moan barrelled past my lips as I reached my high for the second time tonight. My entire body felt like one long rubber band pulled to its limit. I felt him surge into me with a groan that was definitely my name and the rubber band snapped out the end of my orgasm. My thighs shuddered against his body and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders tightly.

Breathing together after that while chest to chest felt so right. I didn’t want to move. Tom slipped out of me after a moment of rest.

~Hey.~ No answer: the majy was still behind its wall. Heh, maybe we killed it with that just now. Tom rolled to my left and I rolled into his arms, content.


	14. Chapter 14

I took my time going to Engineering this morning. I even smiled at a few passing crew members that I didn’t know. They smiled back happily rather than giving me one out of sympathy or pity. I processed that. They can't _know_ already can they? I walked backwards for a few steps to regard their retreat. 

~What do you think?~

The majy was slow to answer, ~I THINK I AM TIRED.~ I frowned as I turned to face where I needed to go: the turbolift.

"Deck eleven."

While I was not happy about the majy's involvement, I was...well, I was pleased about spending more time with Tom. So what if some tree would remember everything. It wasn’t like I’d ever meet anyone from the Ehlu’s planet again. The turbolift opened and I stepped out. Eventually, we'd rolled out of bed and finished making the cake. He transferred the recipe to my account. We each had a slice and then I let him sleepover, this time with him starting in my bed... I didn’t try suppressing the memories that marched past. What's the point? The tantalizing bottomless feeling in the middle of my chest returned when I recalled so many of our exchanges.

Tom had his arms around me when I woke up and he kissed my forehead good morning. It felt good. Safe. The opposite of lonely. Admittedly, my step was lighter when I crossed the catwalk to my office to sort out yesterday's reports. I never did read Vorik's report. Tom was already in my office. A flutter of joy rose in my chest.

"Tom?" He opted not to go to breakfast with me. When he told me, I worried immediately that something was wrong, but he assured me that he just wasn't hungry. He said he was still full of cake.

"Hey you," he turned and smiled from my desk with one hand behind his back. "Do you have a vase anywhere? I got you a flower." I looked at the hand he pulled out from behind his back. I followed his arm up to his cheek where the scab of the bite had formed. "I realized when I was standing in front of the replicator deciding what to get that I didn't know your favorite, so I looked up your holocharacter and her house had these everywhere: yellow tulips. Was that the brainwashing or was that you?" I stepped up to my replicator.

The rations in my account had started to dwindle, probably because the crew could see—well. Tom didn’t brag, but it wasn’t like he wore a mask. I didn’t know if I was in the clear or not. I'll ask when I had the time. At this point, no news was good news. More good news: I had enough in my account for a simple vase. _It is a good day._ Not to die. I cut that thought off. Today was just good. The vase’s sleek, blue form materialized on the replicator tray. I picked it up and moved it to my desk where Tom could deposit the flower.

"That was me." I smiled at him. "Thank you." Tom dipped his head to kiss me chastely on the lips. I pressed back to him, letting him pull me closer and letting myself enjoy the moment.

"Ah-hem." Tom and I separated quickly and we both took a formal stance. I lowered mine upon seeing my second, Joe Carey.

"Chief, got a minute?" Carey asked. "I need help with rewiring some relays. Those experimenting aliens did a number on our systems trying to bypass Vorik's sabotage." He chuckled. "I think he missed his calling by not going out for security." Tom laughed with Carey.

"Sure, I'll be right with you," I answered. Carey nodded and left. I smiled up at Tom again.

"Hey, you should probably get back to the helm." Tom pulled me back into his arms instead.

"I _should_ , huh? Trying to get rid of me?"

I laughed, "No, trying to do my job. You should too." He kissed me. I reluctantly pulled away after a moment and walked to my door where I left my engineering kit. "Get going you," I smiled still, "before Lieutenant Carey sends security after us." He stepped past me and even had the bravado to steal another kiss before walking out.

"I'll see you later." It wasn’t a question he gives as he slips past.

"What makes you so sure?" I called after him when I stepped out onto the catwalk. He doesn't answer, just grins as he turns to face me in the elevator, pointing at his cheek. It was hard not to think about whether my bite would be there when this was all over. What if he didn’t remember anything but saw the bite? Everyone would see it? He could become insufferable. Or he could hate me. I could get in trouble with the Captain. The majy didn’t reply.

~Why don’t you have any answers?~

I watched Tom exit Engineering before I looked for Carey. The majy stayed silent. I went down a level and soon spotted Carey near the auxiliary operations console. When I reached him, he already had the panel under the console opened. He scooted aside to let me sit in front of it.

"You see there?" I nodded. Several of the indicator lights for the relays are dark. I opened my kit and fish out my tri—. Right. I never got it back from Chakotay because I didn’t want to talk to him.

While staring at the empty space in my kit, I asked, "Do you have your tricorder? Commander Chakotay has mine." Carey turned to look into his engineering kit. I peered over his shoulder and could already see that his kit was without a tricorder. Did Chakotay take all of my engineers’ tricorders? That was low.

"I think I left it somewhere." Carey looked up to try to remember. "Oh! I'll be right back." Carey stood to find his tricorder. I shifted so my right shoulder was to the open console. I could see Carey moving towards the front of Engineering. When he was out of sight, my mind drifted to Tom. For once, I wasn’t upset about it doing so. It occurred to me that I'd never said "I love you" and the thought lifts my concerns about my mark. Surely he’d have to remember that. I heard Carey call my name and looked up to my left to see him toss his tricorder underhanded to me. I wasn’t expecting it and have to shift towards the console to—.


	15. Chapter 15

Oh, my head hurt. My body tingled unpleasantly. I felt like I'd just spent hours collecting static electricity. My eyes fluttered open at the competing voices and clamoring.

"Chief! I'm so sorry!" Carey's voice broke through and quieted the panic around me like a calm wind. "We're going to transport you to Sickbay now. Hold tight." My mouth felt incredibly heavy, but I wanted to know what happened. I couldn’t lift my arms either. I closed my eyes for a minute.

When I opened them again the Doctor hovered around me and I laid under a surgical display. He pressed a hypospray to my neck and checked my vitals on the arch over me.

I tried my mouth again but found I couldn’t speak. What was wrong with me? Was the majy dying? Was I dying? I could make out the majy's presence at the edge of my consciousness, but it wasn’t saying anything. I couldn’t feel much more from it other than the fact that it’s still there. That gives rise to more panic. I could be dying now. A lump settled in my throat and I couldn’t get rid of it because I felt uncomfortably weak. Gratefully, Kes noticed me panicking.

"Do you want Tom?" Kes asked. I felt helpless. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t move. I felt a wetness on my cheek. I'm crying. Tom had offered to answer any time I called, but what if I can't call him? What do I do then? "Blink twice for yes, once for no," Kes supplied in her soft, soothing voice.

I blinked exaggeratedly twice. I won't see Tom again. I felt terrified. A wave of joy followed that thought. _I feel terrified_ ; I've never been terrified I won't see someone again before. This must be what Carey meant by knowing it had to be love. _I love Tom_.

"Okay, I'll get him," Kes drew my attention with a hand on my shoulder. "It'll be alright." She stepped away then to give the Doctor space to work. He circled to where Kes had been and tapped a few commands into the surgical bay. I had trouble keeping myself alert. Now that Kes had left, the edges of helplessness drew back. It only made it worse that the Doctor wasn’t tuned enough to notice.

~LET KES HANDLE THINGS.~

~Are you okay?~

~TIRED. HURT.~

~Why can't I feel you?~

~DO NOT WANT TO HURT YOU.~ Realization dawned on me. The majy was dying. I was not.

~You _are_ dying?~

~YES.~

~How long?~

~TOO MANY QUESTIONS.~ I left the majy alone so I could focus on my body. It felt heavy and unresponsive. I didn’t like it. When next I opened my eyes, expecting to have only blinked, I was surprised to find Tom holding my hand at my side.

"B'Elanna?"

"Tom," I managed to croak out. He rubs soft circles into the skin of my hand. It was such a familiar gesture now, it made me smile. Kes appeared at my side. She and Tom helped me to sit and drink water. The surgical display that the Doctor used earlier was no longer around the bed so I had the space to remain seated easily. Tom kept his hand on my back though. I didn’t push it away. It felt good to have him near.

"I'm so glad you're okay."

"What happened?"

"You fell into several open relays," Tom answered softly. Memories tumbled around my mind unordered: inspecting relays, the flower, getting sidetracked thinking about Tom, talking to the Captain, Carey throwing a tricorder to me.

"Joe Carey?"

"Mr. Carey is doing fine. He transported you here just in time," the Doctor supplied from a distance. "Any longer, and you'd have permanent nerve damage or worse." The Doctor busied himself with arranging tools. "Just last week, the Captain nearly died on a routine shuttle mission and today the Chief Engineer nearly dies while repairing the ship. I have half a mind to put everyone on bedrest indefinitely!" 

"Doctor?" Tom said. The Doctor sighed and focused on us. "B'Elanna?"

The Doctor directed his gaze at me, "you'll feel a little weak and unsteady for the next few days. You're free to go, provided you stay with Tom or somebody else continuously for the next few days."

"Thank you," I replied. Tom squeezed my hand.

"One more thing," the Doctor interrupted. "I'd like you to walk as much as you can, so no transporters for getting back to your quarters now. You'll get the hang of your body quicker if you use it."

"Okay," I replied.

He leveled a pointed look at Tom and then myself, “Just don’t use it too much.” He tapped his cheek, the one Tom had my mark on.

“Doctor,” I hushed him. He turned away and spoke loudly as he went.

“I just want to make sure my instructions are clear.” I stared at his back until Tom got my attention.

"Ready to go?" Tom asked. I nodded stiffly at him. Tom helped me swing my heavy legs over the side of the bed while Kes steadied my back. I braced myself on him to stand. Given how odd I felt, I was pleasantly surprised to find that I could stand relatively easily. I put an arm around Tom's neck at the same time that he put one around my waist to drive me up slightly. We began a slow and steady pace back to my quarters.

He didn’t offer to chat, which I was glad for. Walking was hard enough right now. The feeling I had before seeing Tom came back to me. When we were safely tucked away in my quarters, I stopped us by refusing to step forward. Tom turned to face me, supporting me by my waist.

~I WILL BE GOING SOON.~

"B'Elanna?"

~Wait, I still have to tell him!~

~BE QUICK.~

My heart pounded, making it hard to think, "I love you. I want you to remember that if you can." He smiled and drew me into a hug.

"I love you too. The majy is...?"

“Yes,” I respond quickly. When he drew back to hold me steady, he kissed my forehead at my hairline like it was the most natural thing. I smiled at the gesture.

“And you’re staying?” I nodded. His face relaxed. "Are you hungry?"

"Famished."

~You still there?~

~YES.~

~Thank you.~

"Here, let's get you seated and I'll get us dinner." Tom urged me forward. I cooperated, listening carefully for anything that might signal the majy's death. The wall between us holds steady yet. Tom’s cheek still clearly bore my mark.

"Dinner?" It'd been morning when I'd gotten hurt.

"You were out for a long time the last time," he replied solemnly.

"I'm sorry I had you worried."

"Don't be. You didn't have control over that." He helped me settle into my chair and then pushed me closer to the table. I smiled my thanks. He smiled back before going to the replicator. "What are you in the mood for?"

"Banana pancakes with maple syrup. I haven't had any in a while." That was probably a good thing though. Normally, I ordered some when I’ve had a bad day. He nodded and ordered two servings of pancakes with syrup. He carried both plates to the table and set them down while I inspected my fingers. Pointer to thumb? Not too bad. Middle finger to thumb? A little worse. Ring finger to thumb? Not really. Pinky to thumb? Only half way.

"How are you?" Tom asked. His voice trailed while he went back to the replicator. He handed me mine as I heard him sit down. Odd question, but I answered anyway. Pinky to thumb again? Still only half way. Not that it really was odd that he should want to know, more that it was odd for how everyday it sounded given what I'd just been through today alone. I picked up my fork and knife.

"Fine," I said as I looked up. No. That couldn’t be. I dropped my knife and reached across the table to grab his chin in one hand. I turned it to see his cheek. No. It was gone.

~Hello?~

"Are you sure you’re fine?” He asked as I withdrew my hand. His throat bobbed as he swallowed; another nervous habit I was sure. “We don't normally have meals together in your quarters." He gestured to his plate. "And with breakfast food to boot." That must be it then. I prodded at where I last felt the majy. There was nothing to feel. My good mood deflated.

"I got hurt, remember?" I lifted my hands up as if he could know how hard that is just by looking. He might have—before."The Doctor said I had to be monitored."

"Of course I remember. I was just hoping..." He looked away, rubbing his jaw.

"What?" My heart jumped. Did he remember something?

He looked up and shook his head, "Never mind." I forget to take a bite and chew on my cheek instead. "This is pretty good."

"Yeah, it's my favorite."


	16. Chapter 16

_"Doctor to Torres." I tapped it._

__

__

"What is it, Doctor?"

" _I wanted to tell you I had Chakotay change your shift schedule. You aren't working today._ "

"What? No.” Did the Doctor have any memory of Tom and I? “Why did you want my shift changed?”

“ _You suffered a major shock when you inadvertently landed in an exposed console. Don’t you remember?_ ”

“I remember.” If the Doctor did remember, it would be easy to ask him. If he didn’t, he’d want to know why I wanted to know about bites on Tom. “Most of it. Some of it is a little fuzzy,” I lied. “Did… Lieutenant Paris have any injuries?”

“ _No, none. Not so much as a scratch on him. He wasn’t anywhere near Engineering._ ” If the Doctor and Tom couldn’t remember, no one would.

“Oh, right it happened in Engineering. I remember now,” I added. “There’s no need for a shift change. I feel fine. I'm already dressed for work anyway."

" _It's against my better judgement, but I'll inform the Commander._ " He sighed. " _You'll probably find a way down to Engineering if I don't anyway._ "

"And you'd be correct. Torres out." I finished getting my boots on and then stepped outside. I really did feel fine. I wasn’t even feeling hungry. That should be a warning, I knew that. I didn’t eat much of anything yesterday. I didn’t want to think about my lack of appetite right now. That will lead to thinking about Tom and then about what we had—and I couldn’t continue. Why didn’t I think of this? It felt like we’ve just broken up.

"Hey, B'Elanna!" I bit the inside of my lip when I heard Tom call from behind me. I get goosebumps just hearing him so glad to see me. I wondered what I'd normally do and turned around. Tom loped on his long legs up to me, not even out of breath. "Since you were hurt yesterday I thought I'd come find you early in case you needed help." I turned to head for Engineering when I couldn’t stand to look at him anymore. It hurt and I didn’t want to accidentally mention something that he won't remember. Tom fell instep beside me. I looked up at him, longing to lean closer, but knowing better than to. It was so strange that he didn’t remember. This was worse than a break up. I felt like nothing to him because he didn’t have any hint of that break up mood. "I actually was just heading back to Engineering and now you can see I don't really need any help," I led, hoping he'll get the hint that I wanted to be left alone.

"I'll walk with you, anyway. The Captain's not expecting me back any time soon." I sorted through the sequence of events in my head. The luau. He stared when I went with Vorik instead. I thought—ha. I thought he was going to kiss me against a bulkhead right there by the way he was looking at me. That never happened. The whole month with the majy did. Only, no one remembered. Besides a month wasn’t long enough to judge a whole relationship on. Was it?

"Tom, go back to the bridge." He stopped abruptly. I stopped and turned to face him warily. I had the sudden vision of pushing him to the bulkhead and kissing him.

~Hey, don’t play games.~

I took a deep breath to dismiss the thought, to dismiss everything. Tom’s my friend now. Nothing more.

"Oh, alright." He's not leaving. I glowered. He wasn’t phased. "Would you like to get dinner together tonight?"

"No," I replied firmly. He looked away as his face fell. He ran a hand through his hair in a motion that brought me back to three weeks ago. _I’m so sorry, Tom. I’m not ready; not on this ship, not with everyone watching._ It didn’t matter that he’d strutted with my mark on his cheek so recently. No one remembered. That bite was very spontaneous. I could never replicate it. I could never replicate that month.

"Sorry, I had to know for certain." I looked away and turned for Engineering when he looked back at me.

" _Chakotay to Torres_ ," my combadge chirped. I tapped it.

"Torres here."

" _The Doctor informs us you are ready for duty. Want to come to the bridge for your shift?_ " I couldn’t shake the feeling that the Doctor was trying to convince them to coddle me. I couldn’t refuse the disguised order though.

"Right away, Sir." I turned back around to see Tom standing smugly. Did he somehow tell Chakotay a bridge duty would be better for me? Of course not. That was impossible. He'd been talking to me when Chakotay commed.

" _We’ll see you soon,_ ” he finished. “Chakotay out." I passed Tom quickly with my eyes low. I felt him watching me and heard him fall into step beside me. Despite his smug attitude, he didn’t say anything to me for most of the trip to the Bridge. When we boarded the turbolift to take us to the Bridge, he leaned toward me without dropping his mostly formal stance. I crossed my arms.

"If you don't lighten up, the Commander will send you back to Sickbay," he said jovially before straightening. I shut my eyes and forced my breathing back to normal. When I opened them again, the turbolift doors slid to reveal the Bridge. I uncrossed my arms and slipped out of the turbolift before Tom did. I took up the Engineering station, relieving Nicoletti.

"Have Carey check the plasma output," I whispered to Nicoletti. "It was unstable yesterday." It was yesterday, right? Nicoletti smiled and nodded. Good, it was yesterday.

"Yes, Sir," Nicoletti whispered back. She turned to leave. I heard the turbolift open to admit her before my console beeped at me during the scan she left running. I looked down in surprise. The month’s past events fell to the back of my mind at the sight. Gallicite. That would be perfect for reinforcing the nacelles at warp seven cruising speed.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing from Blood Fever. I just couldn't resist making this bridge last all the way to here. The stardates worked so nice, it was like we needed this story. c:

_"I just don't see any point in wasting time. Unless," she stepped closer, "of course," she rolled her shoulders back, "you want to stall to put off demonstrating your climbing expertise." Something she didn’t want to name for fear of raising her hopes flashed across his face as he closed his tricorder._

_"Grab your gear, and try to keep up." He brushed past her. She turned to let him pass, noting to herself that there'd been plenty of room for him to go around her. She followed Tom. Neelix followed her. They made their way deeper into the forest. When they get to the entrance of the tunnels, Tom laid down a rope and piton. She went down first since she’s the lightest of the three. Tom followed her. She made excuses to touch him in an effort to help. When he was down and his eyes met hers though, she thought twice about her actions and trudged ahead without him. _He's my friend_ , she asserted as she heard Neelix from somewhere behind her._

_"No matter how real a holodeck program may seem, it just doesn't get your heart pumping like a genuine physical challenge. It's exhilarating."_

_"If you're looking for exhilaration..." she commented as the others caught up to her. The mouth of the cliff stretched out like some large dark maw. It was unsettling to look into. One false step and she’d be gone, just like that. Her heart already hammered its warning for her._

_"It didn't look quite so steep on the sensor map, did it?" Neelix remarked. B'Elanna fumbled with the buckle on her backpack until she undid it and could slip it off._

_"We're prepared for this. We can handle it. Let's go." They took turns driving in pitons under Tom's supervision._

_"All this Starfleet technology," Neelix said as he attached his carabiner to the piton, "almost takes the fun out of it." _He talked too much._ She busied herself with tightening her pack while admiring Tom’s silhouette._

_"If you mean the fun of wondering whether your anchor will hold while you're dangling over a cliff," she looked over at Tom’s face while finishing the last of her adjustments. Even in the dim light he had a pleasing face. "I think I'll pass. See you below." She stepped forward to watch how he climbed down. She turned to Neelix after getting her fill._

_"You go first. I'll follow you." Neelix threw his rope, but she wasn’t paying him much attention. Tom's focused concentration was more interesting. After Neelix went down a meter, she threw her own rope over the edge and started to rappel cautiously down. She heard Tom on her right set a few rocks loose. She resisted the urge to check on him._

_"Watch your footing!" She felt relieved to hear him._

_"You're right." She called down to Neelix. "My heart is pumping faster."_

_"Wait till we climb back up with a pack full of gallicite." She caught up to Neelix and grinned. She wanted to be near Tom. He smelled wonderful._

_"Oh, I'm just getting warmed up." Once she got past him, she heard something snap above her. She had a brief moment of fear that her rope had come loose, but she looked up and over quick enough to see Neelix falling toward her. She reached out to him and ended up losing her grip on the rope._

The possibility of death startled me awake. I managed to sit up. The room was dimmed to emergency lighting. With no alarms, I guessed it was probably _Voyager_ 's night. I looked around. Someone with blond hair was in the chair next to me. I laid back quickly, pulling the blanket to my chin. I didn’t want to let Tom know that I was awake. I didn’t want to talk. When he didn’t react to my obvious awakening, I turned on my side to look at him. He slumped in his chair with his arms crossed to hold him up. However, I could tell he was asleep because of the soft snoring that I knew to listen for now. I rolled onto my back and let myself drift asleep.

The lights rising in Sickbay rustled me from sleep. I groggily opened my eyes. They hurt like I haven’t used them in a while. I was on my back and looked over to the side Tom had been. He wasn’t there anymore. I'd never had the chance to see if he'd healed my mark or not. I mostly hoped that he did. However, the part of me that still remembered the thrill of the _pon farr_ and the safety of the majy month wanted to taste his blood again. The Doctor activated automatically and spotted me sitting.

"Good, B'Elanna. I'm glad you're awake."

"What's the date?" My voice came out scratchy. The Doctor approached me with a glass of water and answered while I drink.

"Stardate 50541.6."

"Two days?" The Doctor nodded. He paused to pick up a tricorder and began scanning.

"Is Tom...?"

"Mr. Paris is fine." He smiled knowingly before continuing. "There is nothing wrong with wanting to be close to someone. In fact, a little intimate time is good for most humanoids." I growled and responded in a gruff, even voice.

"Doctor, say another word about my sexual health and I will tear you apart." He didn’t react to my threat. That smug petaQ! He nodded approvingly and housed the scanner in the medical tricorder. “There is no sign of the _pon farr_ in your system.”

"Then I can go back to work?" I asked sharply.

"Yes." The Doctor moved aside and I froze when I saw _him_ laying on a biobed.

"Vorik is still recovering," the Doctor provided. His name made me cringe involuntarily. My chest felt tight. I needed to get out of here.

The Doctor continues oblivious, "I still want to monitor you. I found a foreign body in your system that the tricorder couldn't recognize." The majy. 

~You're not still there are you?~ No answer.

"...checked on by Mr. Paris—"

"Kes. Have Kes check on me." I interrupted as I stood. The Doctor was ready to catch me if I wobbled but I won't let myself do so. I didn’t want to give him a reason to keep me. Who's bright idea was it to have me unconscious in the same room as-as… _him_?

"I'll have Kes check on you periodically."

"Thanks," I remarked gruffly before I left Sickbay. It didn’t take long to get to my quarters. A few crew members from ops or security—I wasn’t sure—pressed themselves to the bulkheads as I stormed past. Hopefully, my anger will dissuade any rumors.

When I got to my quarters, I stripped to take a quick sonic shower. I felt grimy. As the sonic waves peeled off the layer of grime, I force myself to relax. Chakotay will send me right back to Sickbay if I don't lighten up. That thought drove my eyes open. The soothing waves of the sonic shower started to prickle at my skin as memory mixed with reality.

_"I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. I need to do something. I can't take this!" She lunged to tackle Tom and managed to straddle him. She nearly kissed him before he flipped them both and stood. B'Elanna laughed. She used her arms to bring herself into a seated position._

_"You've never been hard to get, Tom."_

_"Well, I'm making an exception." She pushed herself to her feet. "I can't let you do this."_

_"Oh? Oh, but you wish you could." She stepped closer to him slowly. "All those invitations to dinner. And on the holodeck, the way you would stare at me when you thought I wasn't looking, and get jealous when I'm with someone else." He stood against the wall. She placed her arms above his shoulders and let her face fall close. He drew his arms between them. "You can't tell me you're not interested in me."_

_"You're right. I can't."_

_"Then don't," she slapped the wall, "push me away."_

_"Oh, believe me, I'd like to, but I know this isn't really you. You've made it clear that you're not interested, and I have to accept that's how you feel, even now." Her experience with the majy came back to mind. They'd spent a month going back and forth. She didn’t want to do that again. Not right now. Not when he was within reach._

_"No. No, it isn't. I was—I was just afraid to admit it. You see, I've wanted this for so long." She kissed him tentatively._

I forced the memory from my mind and shut off the shower. After wrapping a soft towel tightly around myself, I stepped into my bedroom. There was this disorienting moment where I couldn’t remember if the locks to the rooms were malfunctioning or not before I realize that was weeks ago. I resumed my path to my dresser confidently and drew out my uniform with all of the necessary fixings. I took the clothes to my—. I froze upon seeing my bed. I took the clothes to my empty desk chair and dumped them so I could change.

I created myself a checklist of things to do while I dressed. I needed to check on the warp coil refit. Did we even get the gallicite? I revised my list.

First, I needed to check if we have new gallicite. Then, if we did, I needed to check on the warp coil refit. My stomachs growled. Oh, I was hungry. I needed food. I leaned forward to wake up my computer. The time read seven hundred hours. I had time for food. In fact, I was only running a few minutes late from my usual morning. Once I got dressed, I drew up a PADD from my coffee table.

I couldn’t decide who to message at first. Carey won't be on shift until I was at least. That Vulcan was out of the question. Nicoletti. I sent a quick message to Nicoletti. She responded quickly to say I shouldn't worry, the refit is going well and we only need a week to finish. I breathed a relieved sigh and set the PADD back down. When I went to my door-side table, I slipped on my boots, pinned my lieutenant bar, and attached my combadge before leaving. An empty turbolift answers my call.

"Deck six," I requested. Although impossible, I imagined I could smell Tom when I brought my clasped hands to my mouth under my nose.

_He smelled strong. It was what drew her in the first place. Strong and sweet: like fruit. She nibbled his fingers and circled around him to smell as much of him as she could._

_"So this is the part where you throw heavy objects at me?" She had to rise on her toes to kiss the back of his neck. It reminded her of another time she had to rise on her toes to kiss him. That was eons ago it seemed._

_"Maybe later." She turned him to draw up his wrist. He let her move him with ease. She growled against his palm. He needed to do something other than stand there but he wasn’t doing it._

_"I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to do." Tom tucked her hair behind her ear when she offered him her neck. B'Elanna felt his lips against her throat when he growled weakly. He looked delicious when he drew up to look at her. She pulled him and turned so he lay on the ground. She pounded his shoulders._

_"Well, what are you doing?"_

_"Enjoying myself?" B'Elanna grabbed his wrists to pin above his head. He winced. Her desire for him quickly covered the twinge of doubt. She couldn’t ignore how she felt. It was freeing. It was everything._

_"Then show it." He struggled under B'Elanna to her delight. When he realized, he twisted his hips until they were rolling. The pair landed with him on top of her and her legs to either side of his hips. He pinned her wrists._

The turbolift doors opened to reveal Tom. I dropped my hands quickly. We danced around each other before I finally stood to the left of the turbolift. I stared straight ahead.

"Deck two." He busied himself with his PADD and I hope he won't say anything. First the majy and now this _pon farr_ business. It just wasn’t my month. "So, looks like you're feeling better. You back on duty?"

"Yes," I smiled and nodded. "Yes, I'm fine." Remembering his attempted vigil last night and the fact that some idiot put me and that Vulcan in the same cabin, I added: "thanks." I felt the need to fill the empty air. "The refit is going well." I repeated what I'd learned from Nicoletti. "We should have new warp coils by the end of the week."

"Oh, good. Glad to hear it." He stayed silent. I'll get away without discussing the caves. Finally, something going my way. "Computer, halt turbolift." He turned to me. Not turning to him could make him drop this whole mess. "Look, this is ridiculous. We are going to be together on this ship for a long time." Finally, I turned to face him.

"You're right." This was the majy all over again: push and pull. I was determined to push. "We have to pretend that the whole mission didn't happen." He looked taken aback.

"But something did happen, B'Elanna."

"Look, Tom, I really appreciate what you did," I should be absolutely clear, "what you were willing to do for me." I couldn’t remember everything that happened; I could remember enough. "But as far as I'm concerned, I was under the influence of some weird Vulcan chemical imbalance, and," I couldn’t believe this was my life now, "and whatever I did, whatever I said, it wasn't me."

"Yeah, I know. You're afraid that your big, scary Klingon side might have been showing. Well, I saw it up close, and you know, it wasn't so terrible. In fact, I wouldn't mind seeing it again someday." I didn’t have an answer for him and turned away. He’d said something so similar that first night. It all played back to me in a rush. I heard him face forward. "Computer, resume."

"Careful what you wish for, Lieutenant," I called as I exited the turbolift. I grinned to myself as I imagined the expression I've just elicited. I've spent almost a month being Tom's girlfriend. Even if he'd forgotten, I hadn’t. I think I could guess his reactions pretty well at this point. Now I had my own superpower. Even if it only worked on Tom, it was pretty neat. My combadge chirped.

"Captain to Lieutenant Torres." I stopped and frowned when I tapped my badge to acknowledge the call. The Captain didn't usually use my full title unless it was crunch time.

"Lieutenant Torres here."

"Please," full title and polite terms; this couldn’t be good, "report to my Ready Room before arriving for your shift."

"Aye, Captain."

"Thank you. Janeway out." The call went silent. I debated taking breakfast first, but I didn’t want to do that only to hear from the Captain that I couldn’t work yet. Not that I expected to hear that, just that I could. I'd hurt Tom. While he didn't seem to mind, the Captain might take offense. I turned around and backtracked for the turbolift. When I stepped in, I was glad it was empty once more and that Tom had requested Deck Two.

"Deck One." The turbolift hummed while it hurtled upwards. The door opened to the Bridge. Chakotay's head whipped back at me. He gave me a soft smile upon seeing me, but didn’t otherwise draw attention. Good he didn’t. Tom was at the helm maneuvering the ship already. Chakotay's eyes followed me as I stepped down to the Captain's Ready Room.

I had my back turned to the Bridge when I pressed the chime and heard the Captain's clear response. Still, eyes must be boring into my back for me to feel so uneasy. I stepped inside and stood at attention when I reached the regulation three steps inside. Probably the distance from her desk was regulation for cases of crazed Vulcans. The door closed behind me. The Captain sat in her chair. She looked up with surprise that faded to neutral upon seeing me.

"I wasn't expecting you so soon." She tilted her PADD to the desk and gestured for the chair. "Sit." I hesitated. The Captain waited. I unclasped my hands from behind my back and stepped further inside so I could take the offered seat. "First, I'd like to apologize. Perhaps if you were on the ship, the..." I watched the Captain come up with an appropriate word, "situation on the planet wouldn't have escalated to such proportions." My nose itched. I scratched it. I didn’t want to draw attention to the nervous habit so I forced myself to lower my hand—slowly.

"Second, I'm..." she searched for another word, "glad that you were the first to wake up. It makes this situation easier to handle. Tuvok informs me that Vorik's...affections," so far, the Captain had chosen words I might have chosen myself if I were in her situation, but this one wasn’t what I'd use and I pursed my lips, "are unlikely to repeat themselves any time soon. I've discussed this with Tuvok and Chakotay: we cannot reassign him elsewhere."

"Oh," now I understood the politeness. "You want me to continue working with him?" I recalled my reaction to seeing him unconscious on the biobed and shook my head. "I won't be able to do that." The Captain pursed her lips.

"He is still under the Doctor's care and I don't expect you to be comfortable right away. In fact, I've asked Commander Chakotay to rearrange schedules already so that you two don't overlap for the month that he starts. Ensign Jor is covering for his new shift now." I stood abruptly. I felt boxed in. I needed space.

"No."

_I drew up my fists to slip between Vorik's arms, pushing outward to release his grip. I managed to make him let go of my face._

"B'Elanna, calm down."

_For good measure, I drove my palm at Vorik's chin. Fists have worked for me before, why not now? He fell back, rubbing his jaw. His prone form drew my eyes. I regretted to know that as his commanding officer, I had to check on him once he went to Sickbay._

The image of Vorik superimposed on the Captain faded. She rubbed her jaw, clearly pained. I crouched, horrified that I'd just done that.

“I didn’t realize—” The Captain waved me away and stood.

"It's alright, just sore."

"I'd dislocated..." I stopped myself from saying his name, "his jaw when I did that."

"Well," the Captain moved to fish around behind her desk in a desk drawer with one hand while the other held her jaw, "looks like I'm made of tougher stuff than Vulcans." The Captain slammed the drawer shut with her hip when she found the osteo regenerator she was apparently looking for. She held the handle end to me. "Help me with this?" I took the regenerator and ran it over the Captain's jaw once she removed her hand.

"Sorry. I don't know what came over me."

"It's alright." She took a step back when I finished. "We'll make that two months." My face went numb quickly. I couldn’t believe she wasn’t budging on reassigning him!

"Captain, I—" She held up her hand.

"No, B'Elanna. This is what it needs to be. Dismissed." I slammed the regenerator on the desk. I felt beyond furious, but I was not about to get thrown in the brig over it! I quickly turned to leave. I didn’t bother thanking the Captain for dismissing me or for making my life more difficult than it needed to be. When I exited the Captain's ready room abruptly, I drew several stares. Chakotay's was concerned. Tom's was confused. I huffed and then hustled to the turbolift as quickly as I could. When I was inside, I leaned against the far wall, breathing quickly.

"Deck..." I hesitated, "Six." The turbolift hummed happily: a real inconvenience. I growled at _Voyager_. The humming softened to a stop and I widened my eyes in surprise, but then the door opened to admit Carey.

"Hey Chief." I straightened from the wall as Carey stepped inside. He wore casual clothing, probably due to the shift change Chakotay created. "Where are you headed?"

"Mess hall," I commented dryly. His lips quirk up into a smile and he nodded. He'd been around my sharp attitude long enough to look the other way most days.

"Cool, I'm heading to the holodeck." I didn’t answer him back. He probably didn’t need it. The turbolift opened. Carey stepped ahead of me. "Catch you later, Chief," he waved. I step off before the doors could close on me and headed to the mess hall. I scanned the room, but didn’t see anyone I'd like to sit with so I took a bowl of mystery fruit and a plate of mystery mash. I crossed the room to a corner table. Only when I sat and took in the view outside the viewport did I recall that this had been the same seat I'd sat in for my uncomfortable lunch with Tom. I stretched my legs out to discourage anyone—especially Tom even if I'd just seen him at the helm—from joining me. I wished I'd grabbed a PADD to distract myself with. Meals without work or company can get pretty boring; pretty lonely. I sighed and forced myself to eat.

When I finished eating, I took the tray to the replicator and set it down. I made my way to Engineering, noting from the displays of the ship along the corridors that I was only ten minutes later than usual. Nicoletti greeted me at the door and explained the work that has been completed so far.

I busied myself with Engineering in the coming days, falling into an easy rhythm. Yet, refitting the warp coils was not the best distraction for me. It kept bringing back memories of the caves and then what Tom and I almost did there when we’d both remember. Or at least he would.

His comment on the night of that sleepover about not letting either of us do anything kept coming to mind. I couldn’t help but feel glad he wanted to act the same in the caves when I wasn't myself either and had even less control over my body. I thought about all of that often even if I haven't seen Tom since I stormed off the Bridge.

I hadn't seen that Vulcan either, which was a relief. He was back on his feet. Kes informed me in the cautious but firm way she sometimes says things of importance the previous evening when she checked on me. I did thank Kes for that information. I thanked Kes again when she gave me a clean bill of health; she no longer needed to visit me.

I took the long route back to my quarters from the mess hall. I was not willing to risk running into that Vulcan in the corridors or the turbolift. I shuddered at the very thought while I stood against the back of my own, blessedly _empty_ turbolift. The door chimed as it opened on deck nine and I stepped off to reach my quarters. The door to my quarters shut out most of the sounds of _Voyager_. I leaned against the door heavily as I removed my combadge, lieutenant bar, and boots.

_I’m lonely._

I turned my head to regard my combadge on the table near my door where I'd just set it down. I hadn't talked to anyone close to me in a while. Tom came to mind first, but I didn’t know what to expect from him. After all he said in the turbolift, it seemed like he was avoiding me. Chakotay came to mind next, but I snarled involuntarily. Nope, still mad at him. Harry was the last person I thought of. Anyone else would probably take offense at that, but not Starfleet. He'd be happy to talk to me no matter what. I smiled at the mental image I drew up of him smiling.


	18. Chapter 18

I stepped away from the door and took the combadge into my hands gingerly. I set it on my bedside nightstand and then grabbed my pajamas from under my pillow at _Tom's_ side, but really not. I needed to stop thinking of it that way. I dipped at the waist to the pillows and smelled them. They smelled like him. Maybe it will help if my bed didn't smell like him still. Was I ready to part with that yet? Pretending was fun.

I placed the clothes on that side in front of me and changed into them. Having second thoughts, I stripped the bed and pillows around my dirty clothes. The motions sent his scent into the air, but it quickly dispersed. I took the sack of bedding and clothes to the refresher and then returned to the bed with another set of sheets. When the bed was made, I slipped into the same side my clothes had been. I settled myself into a comfortable seated position and then took up the combadge to cradle it in my hands in my lap. I tapped it.

"B'Elanna to Harry," I requested. Harry responded quickly.

" _Hey Maquis._ "

I smiled, "Hey Starfleet. How are you?"

" _Good. But you called me. I didn't see you in the mess hall today. What's up?_ " he asked. I could always count on Harry for social niceties like wanting to see his friends often. I attached the combadge to the top of my blanket while I sank into bed to lay down.

"This week's been strange," I commented. He didn’t answer right away and I worried the comm signal dropped.

" _Yeah, I can imagine with Sakari?_ " I could tell from the way he hesitated that he didn’t know any more than anyone else who wasn't there. It occurred to me that I never looked to see if Tom healed my mark. He must have though. There was no way I'd miss it if he wore it when he joined me in the turbolift. " _Still there?_ "

"Yeah. Computer, dim lights to forty percent." We shared a comfortable silence. What would happen if I told Harry about the majy? Harry had been Tom's friend first and he's horrible at keeping secrets from Tom anyway. That was of course assuming he could remember. No one seemed to remember. “What if I told you this wasn’t the first time something weird forced me and Tom together?” He didn’t answer right away. When he does, it didn’t give me much hope.

“ _Still there?_ ”

“Yeah, I was talking just now.”

“ _You were?_ ”

“Yeah,” I might as well test the memory loss. I couldn’t see how the entire ship could miss a month’s worth of time for the sake of a parasite. “Last month I drank this crazy drink that turned out to be a parasite which reproduces through intimate memories. They’re stored in this big tree—the parasites come from trees—and anyone who becomes a host can see the memories,” I finished in a rush. I was not surprised by the silence; I was hardly surprised by the response this time.

“ _Hey, I thought you wanted to chat. Still there?_ ” He didn’t even hear me? I heard a door chime. Was that mine? It sounded too far away. " _Oh, hold on B'Elanna,_ " Harry said. " _Someone's at the door._ " I heard a little commotion as Harry moved about his quarters. Then I heard the door swoosh open. " _Hey Tom,_ " I drew a sharp breath. Really, who else did I expect to be at Harry's door at twenty hundred hours? Of course it was Tom. " _I'm talking to B'Elanna. What's up?_ "

" _I can come back later,_ " Tom said. My stomach sank at the proof he'd been avoiding me.

"No," I blurted. I consciously evened my tone. "It's fine, Tom." If Harry wasn't suspicious, he certainly would be now.

" _Okay, B'Elanna._ "

Was it wrong for me to miss the nickname? Could I convince him to use it any—. No, no. What was I thinking? That will make everything worse. I heard a little more commotion before the sounds settle.

" _B'Elanna, you're on maximum volume,_ " Harry informed. " _Go ahead._ " I felt pressured. I could close the commlink and claim signal errors when they called me back. That would be a little too convenient to be convincing, wouldn’t it?

"Err..."

" _Harry, didn't you say you had a hover ball game planned with Jenny?_ " Tom asked.

" _I did?_ " I heard a muffled _thump_. " _Right. I did._ " To his credit, Harry only sounded slightly pained.

" _I'll call you right back,_ " Tom finished quickly before Harry signed off. My badge chirped a minute later.

" _Tom to B'Elanna._ " I tapped the combadge hesitantly. " _So._ "

"So," I repeated. Be courageous, B'Elanna. "...You've been avoiding me."

" _No I haven't._ "

"Then why haven't I seen you?" Oh, that sounded bad. "I mean: you haven't been around at all and we normally run into each other more than that."

" _I thought you might want some space._ " I laughed despite myself.

"Seems you're the only one who thinks that other than me."

" _What do you mean? You do want space? 'Cause we don't have to have this conversation now._ " This wasn’t at all what I'd imagined being "this conversation" with Tom. I hadn't even gotten that far to imagine it.

"Not from you, I don't think."

" _The Captain?_ "

"How did you know?" I asked.

" _I sit in front of the command team. I hear all sorts of things._ " My eyes narrowed. I couldn’t help but wonder what things I should worry about him spreading to _Voyager_ 's rumor wheel.

"Like what?" I asked tersely.

" _I don't share anything I shouldn't._ "

"That's not what I asked."

He sighed over the link. " _I don't want to fight, so I'll tell you. The Captain mentioned to Chakotay how you dislocated her jaw.” I knew it. “He asked if he should send security after you._ " I stiffened. That's what I'd expected to happen. " _The Captain said to leave you be since it was clear something came up that triggered you._ " He took a breath and asked softly, " _What happened exactly?_ "

"She said she couldn't reassign," I took a fortifying breath, "Vorik to anywhere else. I freaked." I concluded dejectedly, "the big, scary Klingon got loose again."

" _Hey, hey, B'Elanna. I'd probably freak too and I'm not even Klingon!_ "

I smiled, "I don't know. You're pretty stubborn." His laughter filled my quarters as I continued, "Thanks, Tom."

" _Any time._ " I smiled at the echo. Honestly, I couldn’t remember whether the last time he said such was something he would remember or not. It didn’t matter either way for me because at least—several notions flitted across my mind: _I have my friend back; I’m certain he won’t betray me; It's okay that I love him; I don't feel alone anymore._


End file.
